St. Peter’s Legacy – Give me socialism or give me death

Just one more reason Christians should be supporting big government and social programs

Back when Peter was the head of Christ’s church it experienced explosive growth after they started proselytizing gentiles. These people were all way better than believers today because they were of one heart and one soul. Nobody owned anything, and everybody owned everything. They were perfect little socialists. Everyone with property sold it and gave the money to the Lord’s apostles who then distributed it among the faithful. I might be crazy, but to me this means if Christ’s church still existed and Mit Romney were a believer, he would be required to sell all his stuff and let the Lord’s anointed use it to provide healthcare to the poor or something.

Here’s the thing though: not everyone was perfect. There was this one time that some guy named Ananias and his wife Sapphira sold something and didn’t give all the money to St. Peter. They had the temerity to keep some of it for themselves. Of course Peter had the power of Christ so he could easily tell what Ananias and his wife had done.

So, when Ananias gave Peter only the majority of the sale price of his property, St. Peter said, “Why hath Satan filled thine heart to lie to the Holy Ghost, and to keep back part of the price of the land?” Peter told Ananias that he wasn’t stealing from people by keeping that money, he was stealing from God. Well, as you might expect Ananias was so scared after being found out that he spontaneously died.

Really, he died from fear? You really believe that? Come on people!

This seems a little odd, as fear by itself isn’t usually fatal. My guess is that St. Peter killed Ananias to set an example and then made up the story about fear-death later.

Three hours later Ananias’ wife Sapphira showed up looking for her husband. As soon as Peter saw her, he immediately demanded to know the exact sale price of the land. Sapphira was a good girl and stuck to the party line, giving the incorrect amount delivered by her husband as the sale price. Peter was still in a killin’ mood so he said, “How is it that ye have agreed together to tempt the spirit of the Lord? Behold, the feet of them which have buried thy husband are at the door, and shall carry thee out.”

According to Peter, Sapphira also fell down dead all by herself after being called out for lying. Of course if I was Peter, I’d probably say the same thing and let everyone think that if they don’t give ALL their money to God it’s an instant death sentence carried out by the Lord himself.

Ref: Acts 4:31 - Acts 5:10

Moses Outsmarts God – 40 years of wandering in the desert: go!

Maybe if my kids believed that God kills complainers they wouldn’t whine so much

After Moses and the Israelites left Egypt by the power of the Lord they walked through the wilderness until they got near the “Promised Land.” At that point Moses picked one person from each of the twelve tribes and sent them to check out the region to see how well fortified the current inhabitants were and how promising it looked for agriculture.

So these 12 guys scouted the land for 40 days and came back to report. They said, “This place is awesome. It totally flows with milk and honey. It’s full of people though who live in big cities with strong walls.” Caleb (one of the scouts) said, “Alright, we’ve given our report. Let’s go right now to kill all those losers living there and take it for ourselves.” However, 10 of the other scouts said, “No way! We could never move to that place. The people who already live there are too many and too strong. There is no way we could ever beat them.”

When the general populace heard this report they all got upset and cried all night. The next day they just sat around and complained saying stuff like, “Why did Jehovah bring us here to die? We’re going to either be slaughtered by the inhabitants of the Promised Land or die in the wilderness. This is terrible. It would have been better if we had just stayed in Egypt!” Once everyone got all their complaining done they decided to elect a captain to lead them back to Egypt so they could return to their former lives as slaves.

Caleb and the other “good” scout didn’t like this conversation at all. They started running through the camp telling everyone that the Promised Land was good and they should move there and kill those who were already there. It would be WAY better than returning to Egypt. Well, the fans of returning to Egypt didn’t like what Caleb and his buddy were saying so they started throwing rocks at them.

As you might imagine, Jehovah was not pleased. He appeared to the populace just in time to stop them from killing the “good” scouts and said to Moses, “This is absurd. After everything I’ve done for these jerks they still won’t behave properly. I’m going to have to kill them all now and make a new nation using only your personal family.” Moses didn’t like the sound of that so he came up with a plan to convince Jehovah to change His mind. Moses said, “Ok, yeah, sure you could do that. However, I’m pretty sure the Egyptians would hear about it. Then they’ll probably tell all the people who now inhabit the Promised Land. Then everyone will know you were unable to bring us to the Promised Land and decided to just give up and kill us in the desert. Do you really want everyone to think you’re a pussy?”

Jehovah thought about this a little while and finally said, “Well, ok then. I’ll not kill everyone. But I’m only not doing it because that’s what I want; not because of anything you said. Remember that. The Lord doesn’t bow to the will of man. Here’s what I’ll do now instead. Everyone is going to have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years to make sure that all the people over the age of 20 that complained will die here. Oh, except Caleb. Because he’s awesome he will get to survive and live in the Promised Land with his posterity.”

To finish things Jehovah killed the 10 “evil” scouts and sent the Amalekites and Canaanites to kill a bunch of those whiny Israelites.

Moral: God kills complainers.

Ref: Numbers 14

Cain and Abel – The first brothers

If I did twice the work and got less than half the reward, I’d be pretty upset too

After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden they started popping out babies like crazy.

 

Their first two kids were boys named Abel and Cain. When they got old enough their parents put Abel in charge of herding the sheep and put Cain in charge of grain production. What this means is that mostly Abel walked around following the sheep and tried to keep them safe from lions and bears and stuff while Cain worked his ass off every damn day ploughing, planting, reaping, and threshing.
 

These were both important jobs but for whatever reason the more you work the less credit you get. When the time came to offer sacrifices to Elohim the creator; Abel brought some baby sheep and baby sheep fat while Cain brought a bag of wheat. Because Elohim is a big fan of blood and fat he really liked Abel’s sacrifice but he totally disrespected Cain.

 

Now Cain worked really hard for that wheat so he was all kinds of crazy upset that Elohim didn’t like it. Elohim noticed Cain was upset and asked him, “What are you getting your panties all in a bunch for? If you do well I’ll accept your stuff. If you don’t, sin will get you. Then it’s up to you to control sin so you don’t wind up its slave.”

Apparently this little pep talk did nothing for Cain because the next time he saw Abel out in the fields he took a big rock and smashed in Abel’s skull so he could get some baby sheep for kill for Elohim’s pleasure. It didn’t take long for Elohim to notice Abel was missing and he went straight to Cain to find out what was going on. He said, “Hey Cain, I can’t find your brother. Where is he?” Cain was very clever and answered, “How should I know? I’m like, not the boss of him, and stuff.”
 

 

Well Elohim wasn’t fooled. He said to Cain, “You jerk. I can totally tell you killed your brother. Now you are cursed from the earth which hath opened her mouth to receive your brother’s blood. From now on when you till the earth it won’t be nearly as productive as before.” Cain didn’t think this was fair and he said, “Hey, that’s too much. If that’s true, people will start to think it’s my fault when crops don’t grow well and they will kill me.” Elohim didn’t want Cain to die so he said, “Ok, pay attention universe: from this time forward anyone who kills Cain will have vengeance visited upon him at least seven times as bad.” Then Elohim put a mark upon Cain so everyone would know to not kill him.

 

After Cain was cursed, he took his wife/sister and walked east for a while before starting a new city with their kids.

 

This should be the end of the story, but the early Mormon leaders read the bible and decided the “mark of Cain” is dark skin and those with dark skin are inferior to people with white skin. God doesn’t like the dark people unless they manage to become good inside, in which case their skin becomes white. They even created the idea that one of Noah’s sons had a black wife to keep the dark skin gene going, then justified the poor treatment of blacks by teaching those born with dark skin didn’t love Jesus enough before they were born to earn white skin. Aren’t Mormons cool?

 

Bruce R. McConkey
(Taken from Wikipedia 19 Aug 2014)

"Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry.” - Bruce R. McConkie

 

Ref: Genesis 4

The “Palsy” – Jesus gets busted forgiving sins

“Luke, you’re going to find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly on our own point of view.”
-Obi-Wan Kenobi

To begin: When the New Testament refers to a “scribe” it is talking about a certain class of religious leader that specializes in studying and teaching religious law. Jesus really hated these guys because they were always calling him out for ignoring the laws of God (the damn hippie).

So one day a group of Jesus lovers carried some bed-ridden guy to meet him. This man was a victim of the “palsy.” This is most likely partial paralysis brought on by a stroke, but it’s tough to know for sure. In any case; it’s bad and means you have to be carried around in a bed. When Jesus saw this guy he could tell just by looking at him that he was a huge Jesus fan. Jesus was so excited he immediately blurted out, “Son, be of good cheer; thy sins be forgiven thee.” (Matt. 9:2, KJV)

As luck would have it there were some scribes in the vicinity that heard this exclamation absolving the old guy from sin. This seemed especially crazy to them and to themselves they said, “This man is full of shit. Only Jehovah can forgive sins and it is the worst sort of blasphemy to pretend otherwise.” Because Jesus had been blessed with supernatural powers by the Holy Spirit he could read their minds and he said, “What gives? Why do you fill yourselves with evil thoughts? Seriously; I want you to think about something for a minute. Is it easier to tell someone their sins are forgiven, or to tell them to get up and walk?”

Then Jesus turned to his bed-ridden fan and said, “Just to prove to these losers that I can forgive sins I need you to stand up, pick up your bed, and go home.” When the old guy did this all the bystanders were amazed. I mean, they had never seen an old person get out of bed before. It was truly a miraculous sight. These bystanders were super excited and told tons of other people the story of how the blasphemous hippy told an old man to get out of bed. Yay!

Ref: Matthew 9

King David Numbers the People of God – Jehovah is an asshole

I don’t understand how I used to read these and think they were OK

One day Jehovah was angry with the Israeli people. Of course this happened really frequently but this time was special because Jehovah was feeling particularly dickish and wanted to make sure another of His abhorrent acts was documented. To this end He went to have a chat with King David. Jehovah said, “I command you to obtain a proper count of the people of Israel and Judah.” This seemed really reasonable to King David because he knew that Moses had once obtained a similar count as reported in Numbers Chapter One.

So King David did as he was commanded and told the supreme commander of the Israeli forces (Joab) to obtain a count. Joab thought this was a little crazy and said, “Ok, I’m sure Jehovah will increase the number of your people 100 times and I pray you live to see it, but I don’t get why you insist on counting them.” Of course Joab’s concern was ignored and the people were counted. This count took nine months and twenty days. At the end of this time Joab reported that King Davids army of fighting men numbered 1,300,000.

After David received the final count his heart told him he had sinned by doing as the Lord commanded. Jehovah then told his Prophet Gad to have a chat with David. Gad went straight to the King’s palace and said to David, “Ok, here’s the deal. God is mad at Israel because you did as He commanded. Because you are the King, God says you get to choose the punishment. There will be seven years of famine, you must flee from your enemies for three months, or there will be three days of pestilence.

King David didn’t care for the idea of running from anyone so he said, “Ok then. Let’s go with one of the god-sent things. Either of those will be just fine, just make sure that I don’t end up having to flee from mere mortals.” This was just what Jehovah wanted when he commanded David to number the people, and He immediately sent a disease-carrying angel. After the disease killed 70,000 men in the countryside the angel started toward Jerusalem. Before it got there though Jehovah decided He wasn’t really all that mad anymore and told the angel to stop killing people.

Because Jehovah didn’t want anyone to think he was going soft he gave King David a really complicated set of instructions to stop the plague. First, David had to buy Arunah the Jebusite’s threshing floor. Then, David had to build an altar to the Lord there. Finally, David was to make burnt offerings and peace offerings. Once this was finished, Jehovah officially stopped killing people.

Moral: Don’t forget to NEVER, EVER, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES trust the Christian God. He is a total prick that will command you to do something and then kill a whole bunch of innocent people if you do as you are told and kill you if you disobey.

Ref: 2 Samuel 24

Jehovah Delivers Quail – When Jehovah does quail, He REALLY does quail

Please don’t tell me you actually expected this story to have a happy ending

After the Israelites left Egypt they wandered in the wilderness for a really long time. While they were out there Jehovah gave them magic food every night called manna. This manna stuff would just show up on the ground and the Israelites would gather it up every morning. Now, manna is pretty great but if you never, ever, eat anything else it gets pretty old.

Eventually the Israelites started to complain that they wanted meat to eat. They didn’t just stop there though. They went really nuts and actually said, “We miss the awesome food we used to get in Egypt. There were cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic. It was so great.” As you might imagine, Jehovah heard his people bitching about the food and got all kinds of crazy upset. Hopefully you’ve learned by now that you wouldn’t like Jehovah when he’s angry. He has a tendency to Hulk Smash™ things.

For whatever reason with the meat deal Jehovah briefly broke character and didn’t just kills tons of people outright. Instead he told Moses, “Alright then. If those whiny bitches want meat I’ll give them meat. I’ll give them so much meat for the next month that it will come out their noses. They’re going to hate meat so much they really will wish they were dead.”

Moses thought that sounded crazy and said, “Really? Look Jehovah; I have over 600,000 people here. Just how do you think you’re going to get that much meat? What, are you going to completely empty the ocean or something?” Jehovah was pretty tolerant of Moses’ sass for some reason and just replied, “What, do you think I’m becoming less powerful or something? Just wait and see if I can deliver or not.”

Of course Jehovah did deliver. That night he caused a magic wind to deliver quail. Not just a few quail of course. He lay down a layer of quail three feet thick for a day’s journey in every direction. For two days the people gathered quail and then got down to the business of eating them. Now this is where Jehovah went back to being good old Mr. Reliable. While the people were eating the quail Jehovah slapped them with a deadly plague as punishment for complaining.

Moral: the ancient Israelites were retarded. I mean; how many whiners does Jehovah have to annihilate before you figure out that complaining just gets you killed?

Ref: Numbers 11

David vs. Saul – Michal tricks her father

Everything considered, I’d much rather have Michal on my team than Saul

After David won the hand of King Saul’s daughter Michal by giving Saul all those Philistine foreskins, Saul decided (once again) that David needed to die. To this end Saul gathered up his servants and his son Jonathan. He told them they needed to kill David.

Now Jonathan was a huge fan of David. Indeed I’ve heard it suggested that they were secret lovers. Anyway, Jonathan went to visit David and told him that Saul was trying to have him killed (again). He told David to hide in a secret place, then he would take his father Saul to a field by that secret place where they could talk about David, then he would tell David what was decided.

Jonathan told his father not to kill David because David was a good guy and had even killed Goliath. He said that it would be a sin to spill the blood of an innocent man. Well, this convinced Saul to not have David killed and Saul swore in the name of the Lord that David would not be slain. Jonathan let David know about Saul’s change of heart and once again David was allowed to hang out around Saul.

This much safer arrangement lasted until after the next war with the philistines. David distinguished himself in the field and Saul remembered that David was a famous war hero. Because Saul didn’t want anyone other than himself to be famous, the next time he saw David he tried to kill him with a javelin. David was smart enough to flee after the javelin throwing incident and hid in his house.

Saul sent messengers to David’s house to keep watch over it and kill David in the morning. David’s wife Michal was smart enough to know what was going on so she helped David escape out the window during the night. Then she made a fake David out of a small statue and a goat hair pillow. The next day when the servants knocked on the door Michal told them David was sick and couldn’t get out of bed. After they reported this to Saul they were sent back to carry the bed to Saul so he could kill David himself.

It didn’t take long for Saul to figure out it wasn’t really David in the bed (think the ring wraith scene in the prancing pony where they stab the pillows). He immediately demanded to know why his daughter Michal had deceived him. Michal answered him by saying, “I had to do it. David told me he would kill me if I didn’t help him.” Of course this was a blatant lie but I guess Michal didn’t want her dad to kill her for helping her husband escape death.

What awesome family dynamics, eh?

Ref: 1 Samuel 19

Jonah and Ninevah: Part 2 – The fate of Ninevah

Minstrel: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

After Jonah washed off the fish’s digestive fluids he walked to Nineveh which was such a big city that it took three days to walk across it. Jonah decided that after one full day of walking toward the city center he was far enough in to start warning of Jehovah induced destruction. It didn’t take the people of Nineveh long to get really freaked out about their impending end. They all believed the message and started to pray and fast. Even the king took off his fancy clothes, dressed in sackcloth, and covered himself with ashes. He commanded that everyone throughout the city pray, fast, and dress in sackcloth and ashes.

Jehovah saw that everyone decided to dance to his little tune, and there’s nothing Jehovah likes better that to see people scared and miserable on His behalf. So, Jehovah decided to not destroy Nineveh after all. This made Jonah mad. He was all sorts of upset that God forgave the people of Nineveh, but didn’t let him flee to Tarshish. Usually when someone gets mad at Jehovah, He just kills them; but for some reason with Jonah He departed from His modus operandi. Instead He explained that even if He doesn’t forgive the sins of a single person, it’s important to forgive naughtiness when a lot of people (and cattle) are involved. You should find odd if you’re familiar with the Old Testament because it represents a complete 180 in Jehovah’s thinking.

Of course Nineveh’s newfound righteousness didn’t last that long and Jehovah eventually ended up destroying it anyway.

Easy come, easy go.

Ref: Jonah 3-4