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Chronology Project

Stories in Chronological Order
(Work in Progress - Completed to December 22, 2014)

Genesis
Genesis 1 & 2 (Published 1/2/14)
THE CREATION – How it all began
 
Genesis 1:27 & Genesis 2:21 (Published 12/31/2012)
Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

Genesis 1:27 (Published 8/5/2013)
Adam and Steve – Not the work of God

Genesis 2-3 (Published 5/27/2013)

Genesis 4 (Published 2/21/2013)
Cain and Abel – The first brothers

Genesis 6-7 & Genesis 10:25 (Published 5/20/2013)

Genesis 9:18-28 (Published 6/28/2012)
Noah Gets Wasted – Never, ever, under any circumstances should you make fun of your dad

Genesis 10:25 (Published 12/17/2014)
Peleg - From Pangaea to today

Genesis 11:1-9 (Published 10/15/2012)
The Númenóreans and the Tower of Babel – Proof that Tolkien is better than the nameless hack that wrote the bible

Genesis 12 (Published 7/5/1212)
Abraham in Egypt – How to sell your wife and come out ahead

Genesis 12-17 & Jeremiah 25:8-11 (Published 10/7/2013)
The Covenant of Abraham – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Genesis 16:6-11 (Published 4/18/2013)
Isaac and Sibling Love – Is it Actually Naughty?

Genesis 16-17 & Genesis 20-21 (Published 7/9/2012)
Jews vs. Arabs – The fight begins

Genesis 19:1-36 (Published 6/1/2012)
Lot and his Family – Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Genesis 21-22 (Published 10/24/2013)
Abraham's Plan for Murder - Yahweh has it in for Isaac

Genesis 24 (Published 11/8/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Genesis 25:20-34 (Published 11/12/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Genesis 27 (Published 11/15/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

Genesis 29 (Published 11/19/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Genesis 30:1 – Genesis 31:18 (Published 11/22/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Genesis 31:19-55 (Published 11/26/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 6 – Rachel is a very naughty girl

Genesis 32-33 (Published 11/29/2012)
The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 7 – Jacob gets ready to meet Esau again

Genesis 30 & Genesis 35:12 (Published 1/14/2013)
Reuben and Bilhah – A full-sized scandal

Genesis 34:1-30 (Published 6/11/2012)
The Story of Dinah – A severe double standard

Genesis 37 (Published 6/3/2013)

Genesis 38 (Published 7/19/2012)
Judah and his Daughter-in-Law – Keeping things in the Family

Genesis 38:27-30 (Published 1/16/2014)
Tamar's Twins - Reminding us that babies are miraculous

Genesis 39 (Published 6/6/2013)
Potiphar’s Wife – The ORIGINAL MILF

Genesis 39-40 (Published 6/10/2013)

Genesis 41:1-8 (Published 6/13/2013)
Pharaoh Has Some Crazy Dreams – Play that funky music, white boy

Genesis 41:9-57 & Genesis 47:13-26 (Published 6/17/2013)
Joseph Passes Through His Suffering - like a kidney stone

Genesis 43-45 (Published 6/20/2013)
Joseph is Still a Jerk – Family first

Exodus
Exodus 1 (Published 8/12/2013)
The Hebrews in Egypt – Moses Part I

Exodus 2:1-15 (Published 8/15/2013)
Meet Super-Ninja Moses – Moses Part II

Exodus 2:15-22 (Published 8/19/2013)
Moses Gets Laid – Moses Part III

Exodus 3:1 – Exodus 4:26 (Published 8/22/2013)
God Convinces Moses to Help – Moses Part IV

Exodus 4:1-26 (Published 6/7/2012)
Moses’ Wife Saves the Day – Even God doesn’t let angry women with sharp rocks near his junk

Exodus 4:27 – Exodus 6:30 (Published 8/26/2013)
Moses Makes Things Worse – Moses Part V

Exodus 7 – Exodus 10 (Published 8/29/2013)
Yahweh’s Wonders – “Thunder bolt and lightning very very frightening me”

Exodus 11-12 (Published 9/2/2013)
Yahweh: Baby Killer - Moses Part VII

Exodus 13:17 – Exodus 14:31 (Published 9/5/2013)
Crossing the Red Sea - Moses Part VIII

Exodus 21:1-6 (Published 12/12/2013)
Slavery and Marriage – God addresses the legality of slavery

Exodus 21:7-11 (Published 7/25/2013)
Daughter Selling – There are rules for everything

Exodus 23:29-33 (Published 1/28/2013)
Genocide – Ensuring that man does not exercise his agency

Leviticus
Leviticus 9-10 (Published 10/29/2012)
Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Numbers
Number 11:1-3 (Published 5/6/2013)
Mass Filicide – Fire from Heaven

Number 11 (Published 2/11/2013)
Jehovah Delivers Quail – When Jehovah does quail, He REALLY does quail

Numbers 14 (Published 2/25/2013)
Moses Outsmarts God – 40 years of wandering in the desert: go!

Number 16 (Published 12/10/2012)
Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Number 21:4-8 (Published 9/10/2012)
The Epic of the Brass Serpent – Giving Jehovah a run for his money

Numbers 22 & Numbers 31:8 (Published 7/16/2012)
Balaam Gets Jerked Around by God – How doing what God says gets you killed

Number 25 (Published 8/16/2012)
Phinehas Kills the Adulterers – How killing people stops God from killing other people

Numbers 30 (Published 12/5/2013)
Keep Your Promises - If your man allows it

Numbers 31 (Published 2/17/2014)
Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

Deuteronomy
Deuteronomy 13 (Published 8/30/2012)
God Explains Himself – Why God Tests his People to See if they will worship false gods

Deuteronomy 21:10-14 (Published 9/12/2013)
Pretty Non-Combatants – Enjoying the spoils of war

Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (Published 2/3/2-14)
How to Deal With a Rebellious Son – City Elders

Deuteronomy 22:13-21 (Published 11/18/2013)
Christian Wedding Nights - Not quite what you might expect
 
Deuteronomy 22:22-29 (Published 10/14/2013)
Rules for Raping Virgins – Law makes order from chaos

Deuteronomy 23:1-8 & Deuteronomy 25:11-12 (Published 9/30/2013)
Testicle Crushing – A very real issue

Joshua
Joshua 1-2 (Published 7/8/2013)
Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Joshua 3 & Joshua 6 (Published 7/11/2013)
The Invasion Begins – Jehovah helps the Hebrews wipe out the People of Jericho

Joshua 7-8 (Published 7/15/2013)
The Invasion Hits a Snag – Not all is well in Zion

Joshua 10-11 (Published July 18, 2013)
The Invasion Really Gets Going – So much death . . .

Judges
Judges 3:12-30 (Published 1/23/2014)
Eglon the Obese and Ehud the Crafty – Doing the work of God

Judges 3:31 (Published 4/14/2014)
Shamgar and the Ox Goad – You go to war with the ox goad you have

Judges 4 (Published 7/26/2012)
Deborah and Jael – When the Women start the killin’

Judges 6-8 (Published 1/3/2013)
Gideon – The Scottish Freedom Fighter

Judges 11:29-39 & Leviticus 3:1-6 (Published 9/23/2013)
Human Sacrifice – I used to think Jehovah only liked smoke and blood from animals

Judges 13 (Published 3/11/2013)
Samson is Born – Watch out for Flying Angels

Judges 14 (Published 3/14/2013)
Samson Gets Married – Cheaters never prosper

Judges 15 (Published 3/18/2013)
Samson Offends PETA – Even biblical heroes commit great acts of animal cruelty

Judges 16 (Published 3/21/2013)
Samson Dies – In which we see that at least one of the Nazarite rules mattered

Judges 19-21 (Published 6/4/2012)
The Levite and His Concubine – Sometimes it’s just too late to say you’re sorry

Ruth
Ruth 1 & Ruth 2:1-3 (Published 8/6/2012)
Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 1

Ruth 2-4 (Published 8/9/2012)
Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 2

1 Samuel
1 Samuel 1 & 1 Samuel 2:20-21 (Published 12/13/2012)
Hannah gives Samuel to the Lord – Who knew that Jehovah was looking to adopt?

1 Samuel 3 (Published 12/17/2012)
Samuel Meets Yahweh – How hearing voices can be a good thing

1 Samuel 4-6 (Published 7/23/2012)
The Philistines take the Arc – The Lord works in mysterious ways

1 Samuel 8-13 (Published 4/15/2013)
King Saul – King Today, Gone Tomorrow

1 Samuel 14 (Published 4/29/2013)
Jonathan Eats Honey – OMFG!

1 Samuel 15 (Published 8/1/2013)
Saul Doesn’t Kill All The Animals – It’s the same as witchcraft

1 Samuel 17 (Published 6/25/2012)
David vs. Goliath – With God all things are possible

1 Samuel 18 (Published 7/2/2012)
David and the Foreskins – A tale of inappropriate touching

1 Samuel 19 (Published 2/7/2013)
David vs. Saul – Michal tricks her father

1 Samuel 28 (Published 10/8/2012)
Samuel and the Witch of Endor – Who needs a living prophet if you have a witch who can talk to dead ones?

2 Samuel
2 Samuel 11 (Published 5/9/2013)
David and Bathsheba – A tale of shame and disgrace for God’s chosen king

2 Samuel 12 (Published 5/13/2013)
David and Bathsheba – When it rains, it pours

2 Samuel 13-18 (Published 6/14/2012)
King David’s Kids – And I thought my family was weird

2 Samuel 24 (Published 2/14/2013)
King David Numbers the People of God – Jehovah is an asshole

1 Kings
1 Kings 1:1-4 (Published 11/1/2012)
Now King David was old and stricken in years; and they covered him with clothes, but he gat no heat.

1 Kings 3 (Published 5/16/2013)
Solomon the Judge – Righteousness was never so creepy
1 Kings 13:1-2 & 2 Kings 23:20-25 (Published 12/16/2013)
Josiah Sacrifices the Pagan Priests – A cumulative tale

1 Kings 18:1-40 (Published 9/3/2012)
Elijah vs. Priests of Baal – The best solution for any religious debate is mass murder

1 Kings 21 (Published 10/1/2012
Naboth is killed – Always sell your vineyard when the king asks

1 Kings 22:1-39 (Published 8/2/2012)
Ahab and His Dogs – It’s important to have canine friends

2 Kings
2 Kings 1 (Published 3/25/2013)
Elijah, Cop Killer – If he wears a leather skirt, he must be up to no good

2 Kings 2:23-25 (Published 6/18/2012)
Elisha and the Mean Kids from Bethel – Proving that God is the most badass of badasses

2 Kings 5:1-11 (Published 8/20/2012)
Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 1

2 Kings 5:12-26 (Published 8/23/2012)
Naaman is healed by Elisha – Musical Leprosy - Part 2

2 Kings 9 (Published 10/18/2012
Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

2 Kings 10 (Published 9/19/2013)
Killing Ahab’s Kids – Ahab and Jezebal kill one, Jehovah kills seventy

2 Kings 17 (Published 5/30/2013)
The Lost 10 Tribes – Oops, I seem to have misplaced something . . .

2 Kings 18 (Published 9/13/2012)
The Brass Serpent’s Ignoble End – How the Israelites should have taken better care of their things

1 Chronicles
1 Chronicles 13 (Published 11/7/2013) 
David Fetches the Ark – Jehovah kills Uzza

2 Chronicles

Ezra
Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10 (Published 12/26/2013)

Nehemiah
Nehemiah 13:1-3 (Published 11/5/2012)
The ancient Hebrews read the scriptures – Enforcing Jehovah’s desire for ethnic purity

Esther
Esther 1 (Published 9/17/2012)
King Ahasuerus puts women in their proper place – “get back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

Esther 2 (Published 9/20/2012)
Esther takes center stage – “She’s pretty enough, and virgin enough”

Esther 3 (Published 9/24/2012)
Mordecai screws up – pride cometh before the fall

Esther 4-8 (Published 9/27/2012)
The King lets Esther save the day – Always enter the king’s room booty first

Job
Job 1 (Published 1/7/2013)
The Epic Tale of Job: Part 1 – Elohim feels compelled to prove himself to Lucifer

Job 2-42 (Published 1/10/2013)
The Epic Tale of Job: Part 2 – From bad to worse to awesome

Psalms
Psalms 7:17 & 107:1 & 100:1-5 (Published 11/28/2013)
Psalms - Thanksgiving

Proverbs

Ecclesiastes
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 (Published 7/30/2012)
The Byrds: Turn! Turn! Turn! (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

Song of Solomon
Song of Solomon 1-8 (Published 1/17/2013)
Song of Solomon – The Song of Songs

Isaiah
Isaiah 3:16-26 (Published 10/22/2012)
Isaiah and Women – DON’T TAKE SMALL STEPS!

Isaiah 8:14-15 (Published 12/6/2012)
Isaiah warns us about Jesus – You better eat your vegetables or Jesus will get you!

Isaiah 13:15-18 & Hosea 13:16 & Psalms 137:8-9 (Published 11/21/2013)
Dashing Infants – In the Bible, “dashing” is a verb; not an adjective 

Isaiah 9:6-7, Isaiah 16:1-5, & 2 Samuel 7:12-16 (Published (10/20/2014)
Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Isaiah 36-37 (Published 4/1/2013)
Independence Day: Jehovah is Tougher than Will Smith

Isaiah 38:1-8 (Published 7/29/2013)
Dragons and Isaiah – Awesome

Isaiah 66 (Published 1/24/2013)
Isaiah 66 – Someday the Gentiles will learn about Jehovah

Jeremiah
Jeremiah 3:1-14 (Published 11/4/2013)
Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Lamentations
Lamentations 1:1-17 (Published 11/25/2013)
Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Ezekiel
Ezekiel 16:49 (Published 2/10/2014)
Sodom and Gomorrah – Valuing obesity over charity

Ezekiel 23:1-35 (Published 11/11/2013)
Two Adulterous Sisters – God explains donkey balls and horse ejaculate

Daniel
Daniel 1 (Published 3/4/2013)
The Babylonian Captivity - Water and pulse

Daniel 3 (Published 3/7/2013)
Nebuchadnezzar and the Golden Image – Size matters

Daniel 6 (Published 12/3/2012)
Daniel and the Den of Lions – Don’t mess with Texas

Hosea
Hosea 1:1-11 (Published 12/19/13)
Hosea and Gomer – A refreshing blend of prophet and whoredom

Joel

Amos
Amos 4 (Published 4/22/2013)
God vs. Fanghorn – You Decide Which is Better

Amos 6 (Published 6/27/2013)
Amos – Telling it like it is since 766 BC

Amos 9:9-15 (Published 4/7/2014)
Sifting the People of Israel – How gathering gets done

Obadiah

Jonah
Jonah 1-2 (Published 1/31/2013)
Jonah and Ninevah: Part 1 – Brave Sir Jonah Ran Away

Jonah 3-4 (Published 2/4/2013)
Jonah and Ninevah: Part 2 – The fate of Ninevah

Micah

Nahum

Zechariah
Zechariah 12 (Published 10/23/2014)
The Last Battle - The Zechariah version
 
Zechariah 14:1-2 (Published 12/30/2013)
Rape in the Last Days – Everything is bigger in the Last Days

Malachi

Malachi 1:2-3 (Published 10/28/2013)
God Hates Esau - Dragons are trouble

Malachi 1:6-14 (Published 9/26/2013)
Mercury Poisoning – A great way to slowly weed out the top of the food chain

Esdras
1 Esdras 3-5 (Published 1/6/2-14)

Baruch
Baruch 2:1-3 (Published 1/13/2014)

The Gospels
Matthew 1:18 & Luke 1:31 & Luke 1:35 (Published 12/20/2012)

Luke 1 & 2 (Published 12/23/2013)
Christmas - Celebrating unexplained pregnancy

Luke 2:1-17 (Published 12/24/2012)
Merry Christmas Part 2 – The birth of Jesus

John 2:1-10 (Published 10/25/2012)
Jesus + water = wine: keeping your priorities straight

John 3:1-15 (Published 10/31/2013)
Nicodemus - Jewish rabbi or kindly old rat?

Mark 5:10-17 (Published 7/12/2012)
Jesus and the Demons – Showing again that the Son of God is an asshole

Matthew 9 (Published 2/18/2013)
The “Palsy” – Jesus gets busted forgiving sins

Matthew 9:18-26 & Mark 5:22-46 & Luke 8:41-55 (Published 2/6/2014)
Jairus’ Daughter – Jesus raises a lovely young woman from the dead

Matthew 9:20-22 & Mark 5:25-34 & Luke 8:43-48 (Published 5/23/2013)
Jesus’ Garment – Supernatural Conductor of Virtue

Luke 10:38-42 (Published 4/10/2014)
Jesus Meets Mary and Martha - Keeping it in the family

Luke 10:8-12 (Published 10/30/2014)
Feet Dusting - It's how modern killing is done!

Matthew 11:16-19 (Published 1/21/2013)
Wine – The great enigma

Matthew 12:39-40 (Published 10/10/2013)
Sign Seeking – Music is Evil

Matthew 12:22-48 (Published 9/6/2012)
Jesus' family comes to visit - Mary gets the cold shoulder

Matthew 12:39, Matthew 16:4, & Luke 11:29 (Published 9/9/2013)

Matthew 14:3-11 (Published 12/2/2013)
John the Baptist – Be careful who you criticize

Matthew 15:21-28 (Published 8/13/2012)
Jesus and Crumbs for Dogs – The right woman can convince Jesus to do just about anything

Matthew 16:1-12 (Published 5/2/2013)
A Serious History Lesson – Jesus and his religious leaders

Mark 9:1, Mark 13:30, Revelation 3:13, Zachariah 13:2-3 & Jeremiah 29:20-32 (Published 10/3/2013)
 False Prophets – People who prophesy falsely

Mark 9:33-40 (Published 8/8/2013)

Mark 9:37 & Mark 9:42-49 (Published 1/9/2014)
Self-Mutilation – More Christ-like than you might think
 
John 7:8-10 (Published 7/22/2013)
Lying – Always follow Jesus’ example

John 8:1-11 (Published 10/4/2012)
Jesus and the Adulteress - A novel approach to problem solving

Luke 15:11-32 (Published 11/14/2013)
The Prodigal Son – Finding Nemo

John 11:1-16 (Published 4/4/2013)
Lazarus is Dead - oops

John 11:17-54 (Published 4/8/2013)
“Lazarus, come forth!” - Grandstanding much, no?

John 11:47-53 (Published 1/27/2014)
Lessons Learned From Masada – A failed uprising rarely goes well for the insurgents

Matthew 19:1-12 (Published 10/17/13)
Divorce and Castration – They’re both painful

John 12:1-8 (Published 6/24/2013)

Mark 11 & Matthew 21 (Published 6/21/2012)
Jesus’ Bad Temper – Too bad we can’t force God into anger management

Matthew 24 (Published 7/1/2013)
Sheep Go To Heaven – CAKE

Matthew 26:14-16, 47-50; Mark 14: 10-11, 43-46; Luke 22:3-6, 47-49 (Published 4/17/2014)
Judas Iscariot – Helping local law enforcement since 33 AD
 
Mary 4-5 & Mary 8-9 (Published 1/20/2014)
Mary’s Teaching Moment – Gender roles among Christ’s disciples

The Acts of the Apostles
Acts 2 (Published 8/27/2012)
The Pentecost – Speaking in Tongues -> baptism

Acts 4:31 – Acts 5:10 (Published 2/28/2013)
St. Peter’s Legacy – Give me socialism or give me death

Acts 12 (Published 12/22/2014)
Rhoda - The first dumb blonde

Acts 13:1-13 (Published 3/28/2013)
Paul vs. Bar-jesus - In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

Acts 13:1-13 (Published 7/4/2013)
Paul vs. Bar-jesus Second Edition – An “inspired” re- write

1 Corinthians
1 Corinthians 5:9-13 (Published 4/25/2013)
Segregation – Lord Farquaad’s Solution

1 Corinthians 10:11 & Genesis 6:2-4 (Published 10/11/2012)
Paul and headscarves – working tireless to save us from God

James
James 1:13, 2 Peter 2:4, Revelation 12, John 14:30 & 2 Corinthians 4:4 (Published 1/30/2014)
The Guardian Legend – Stopping the God of Sin

Jude
Jude 1:6-7 (Published 4/11/2013)
Fallen Angels – Heavenly Porn Stars

Jude 1:17-19 (Published 2/13/2014)
Mockers in the Last Days – Jude’s warning to the world
 
Revelation
Revelation 3:5-21 (Published 9/16/2013)

Revelation 12-13 (Published 10/21/13)

Revelation 17:1-6 (Published 12/9/2013)
Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

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