Testicle Crushing – A very real issue

A penis is a valuable asset. Guard it well.

I grew up as a member of a religious group that does not allow any woman to hold a position of authority over any man; so no female priests or leaders. Women can only be in charge of children or other women. My wife still comments that she should to strap on a dildo and then demand to be a member of the clergy. In fact she usually refers to the "priesthood" as the "penishood." Before I became good friends with the bible I used to argue that being a man was more than simple plumbing. I was wrong.

Many times in the bible when the phrase “assembly of the LORD” is used it means holding a leadership position. For example: in Deuteronomy 23:8 the Lord explains that Egyptians can live among the people of Israel, but only after three generations can one of their decedents enter the “assembly of the LORD.” If someone is illegitimate their descendents have to live among the people of the Lord for 10 generations before they can hold a leadership position (Deuteronomy 23:2).

Ok, now that we’ve established what “assembly of the LORD” means, you’re ready to learn the truth. “If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 23:1, NLT).

Holy crap! It is all about having the right parts in proper working order! This also means that if a priest or leader is involved in an accident or has testicular cancer or whatever, they have to be demoted! This also explains why priests that sexually assault little boys aren’t castrated. It would effectively remove them from the burden of leadership. We can’t have that! It would be best just to move an offender to a new parish where they have a fresh lot of victims waiting.

This whole idea of sacred penises and testicles also makes the following verse so much easier to understand. “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12, NIV). That’s like the woman tried to damage the man’s sacred connection to God and his authority to boss women around!

Moral: keep your hands to yourselves, ladies. You should know better than to mess around with a sacred conduit used expressly for conveying God’s will to the less worthy.