Reuben and Bilhah – A full-sized scandal

I really can’t say that I blame them

Jacob was one of the most significant characters in the Old Testament. He was the grandson of Abraham and the Father of that one guy Joseph, who had the coat of many colors. From Jacob’s 12 sons came the 12 tribes of Israel. Reuben was the firstborn of Jacob. Two or three years after Reuben was born, Jacob’s second wife Rachel gave her personal slave to Jacob for sex/reproduction because Rachel wasn’t getting pregnant. This slave was named Bilhah. Jacob had two sons with Bilhah, Dan and Naphtali.

After Rachel started having children (which I argue was because she finally hit puberty) Jacob didn’t have a need for Bilhah anymore. You see, Jacob had enough wives that he didn’t need Bilhah for sex and he was only screwing her to help out his favorite wife, Rachel who took Bilhah’s children for herself. Besides, Bilhah wasn’t a close relative of Jacob’s by blood, so he just wasn’t that into her.

Disclaimer: The bible is really short on detail regarding Reuben and Bilhah’s relationship so I’ve had to assume a lot of stuff to be able to tell this story.

Jacob’s favorite wife Rachel was a total bitch. She was selfish and mean. For example: when Reuben went out into the field to collect mandrakes, Rachel noticed and demanded that Reuben’s mom, Leah, give her those mandrakes. So we know that Rachel was mean to Reuben. We also know that Bilhah didn’t ever choose to have sex with Jacob. Rachel forced her into the arrangement so she could take the resulting babies for herself. That seems pretty crappy. Therefore, Reuben and Bilhah had this common dislike for Rachel that served as the basis for their early relationship.

Because Bilhah was a slave, Jacob’s other wives felt they were much too high-class to be friends with her. Bilhah was only good for emptying chamber pots, serving as a surrogate, and breast feeding. Bilhah ended up spending most of her free time with the children and because Reuben was the oldest they developed a close relationship. Initially their friendship was based on a mutual dislike for Rachel, but eventually they were able to find common interests in raising sheep and making cheese.

When Reuben was going through puberty he had a lot of questions. Because his father was so busy and he didn’t have any other adolescents around, Reuben ended up talking about gender differences and his physical changes with Bilhah. Now, Bilhah remembered that sex was pretty nice from her earlier encounters with Jacob and Reuben was turning out to be pretty attractive, so Bilhah started helping Reuben with educational demonstrations in the privacy of one of the tents. Eventually this evolved into a full-blown sexual relationship and was actually really fulfilling for both of them. It was literally the realization of every adolescent boy’s fantasies.

Eventually someone noticed this was going on and told Jacob. And here the Bible really lets me down. It says absolutely nothing about what happened to poor Bilhah. We know that basically nothing happens to Reuben. His dad told him that he wasn’t the official “firstborn” anymore and he was as “unstable as water.” Because it’s the bible though, I’m pretty sure they did something horrific to Bilhah like cut off her breasts or impale her on a sharp stick. Either way, it really sucks. I guess the only hope for Bilhah to have survived getting caught fooling around with her husband’s son was for her to be considered property to the point that her actions didn’t really matter that much as long as she could keep those damn chamber pots empty.

Ref: Genesis 30 & Genesis 35:12