Testicle Crushing – A very real issue

A penis is a valuable asset. Guard it well.

I grew up as a member of a religious group that does not allow any woman to hold a position of authority over any man; so no female priests or leaders. Women can only be in charge of children or other women. My wife still comments that she should to strap on a dildo and then demand to be a member of the clergy. In fact she usually refers to the "priesthood" as the "penishood." Before I became good friends with the bible I used to argue that being a man was more than simple plumbing. I was wrong.

Many times in the bible when the phrase “assembly of the LORD” is used it means holding a leadership position. For example: in Deuteronomy 23:8 the Lord explains that Egyptians can live among the people of Israel, but only after three generations can one of their decedents enter the “assembly of the LORD.” If someone is illegitimate their descendents have to live among the people of the Lord for 10 generations before they can hold a leadership position (Deuteronomy 23:2).

Ok, now that we’ve established what “assembly of the LORD” means, you’re ready to learn the truth. “If a man's testicles are crushed or his penis is cut off, he may not be admitted to the assembly of the LORD” (Deuteronomy 23:1, NLT).

Holy crap! It is all about having the right parts in proper working order! This also means that if a priest or leader is involved in an accident or has testicular cancer or whatever, they have to be demoted! This also explains why priests that sexually assault little boys aren’t castrated. It would effectively remove them from the burden of leadership. We can’t have that! It would be best just to move an offender to a new parish where they have a fresh lot of victims waiting.

This whole idea of sacred penises and testicles also makes the following verse so much easier to understand. “If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity” (Deuteronomy 25:11-12, NIV). That’s like the woman tried to damage the man’s sacred connection to God and his authority to boss women around!

Moral: keep your hands to yourselves, ladies. You should know better than to mess around with a sacred conduit used expressly for conveying God’s will to the less worthy.

A Serious History Lesson – Jesus and his religious leaders

To understand Jesus, you must understand a little of his culture

There have been many different sects of Judaism throughout the centuries. Two that are well known to Christians are the Sadducees and Pharisees. Both were active, along with the Essenes, during the Second Temple Period which ended about 70 AD. The reason they are known today is Jesus was constantly complaining about them and criticizing them. He often fought with them in public and warned his followers about them, saying they should not follow or believe these spiritual and political leaders. For one example, see Matthew 16:1-12.

But who were the Sadducees and Pharisees?

The Sadducees were affiliated primarily with the upper class. They assumed various political, social, and religious roles. They were the ones tasked with maintaining the temple and had a deep interest in religious law as laid out in the Torah. They were obsessed with purity and holiness. They believed that God does not commit evil, that men have free will to choose between good and evil, and there is no afterlife: no eternal rewards or punishments. However, not all priests and aristocrats were Sadducees. Many were Pharisees, and many were not affiliated with any organized group (think independent voters).

The Pharisees’ interpretation of Jewish law was more liberal. They claimed to represent and have support from the majority of the common people, in contrast to the more elite Sadducees. The Pharisees accepted the teachings of the oral Torah, while the Sadducees would only accept the written version. They agreed with the Sadducees on the idea that people have free will, but differed because they believed that God knew in advance what people would do. They also believed in an afterlife with the associated eternal punishments and rewards.

Enter Jesus.

When Jesus showed up on the scene he was MUCH more liberal than even the Pharisees and constantly disregarded both law and tradition. When his religious leaders tried to encourage him to be a law-abiding citizen he both argued with them and taught his followers to ignore the priests who were honestly trying to teach and enforce God’s laws as recorded in the religious texts of the time.

In Jesus’ defense, he was typically trying to push the idea that helping people was more important than the law. This makes things a little more ambiguous. Imagine how modern law enforcement would feel about you stealing a police car to take someone to the hospital. Then remember Jean Valjean who stole some bread to feed his starving niece in Les Misérables and ended up in prison for 19 years before spending the rest of his life on the run from authorities for breaking parole. Most readers/viewers think Valjean is justified in stealing the bread because it’s for a “good cause.” But remember, someone had their bread stolen. What if it was the only food they had? Just think how you would feel if someone stole your car to take someone to the hospital. Yeah. It’s like that.

Ref: The Four Gospels