Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 2

Still a sucker for a good country-western romance

So Boaz calls out to Ruth saying, “Heya sexy, don’t go gleaning on no other fields, ya hear? You watch my workers do their havestin’ then you follow after so you can get some good gleaning done! Don’t go worryin’ neither. I done told my boys to not go botherin’ ya. Also, ya should prolly just work with my handmaids from now on.”

After Boaz had his little chat with Ruth he told his workers to make sure they left a few handfuls of grain between the rows so Ruth could glean them. When Ruth got home that night with all that grain Naomi knew something was up and asked Ruth where she’d been working. When Naomi learned Ruth had been gleaning Boaz’s fields she got super excited and said, “Praise the Lord! That man is a really close relation. You make sure you never glean nowhere else, ya hear?”

After a couple of months, Naomi called Ruth in and told her, “Now listen girl, I done heard that Boaz is gonna be workin’ hard all day today in the barn so he’s gonna fall asleep in there. You go in after he’s asleep, uncover his feet and lay down on them.” So Ruth does this, and when Boaz wakes up he sees her laying on his feet and asks, “Um, who are you?” Ruth answered, “I’m Ruth, your handmaid. Please marry me because I’m also your relative.” Boaz said that would be alright (besides, he'd been hot for cousin-in-law since the tractor/song incident), but there was someone in the city that was more closely related, so he would have to make sure this other guy didn’t want to marry Ruth. Then he gave her six measures of barley and sent her on home.

That same day Boaz went out and found the closer relative and grabbed 10 elders of the city for a little sit-down. He told the relative that Naomi was back in town and she needed to sell her dead husband’s land. At first the relative was interested but then Boaz explained that Ruth would have to be part of the deal. Mr. Relative freaked out just a little and said, “Hey, no way man! I’m not buyin’ her. She’s used material. I’ve never even had sex and I want my first time to be with a virgin!”

So Boaz stood up and made a little speech: “Hey y’all. Pay attention! Today I’m buying all of Elimelech’s old stuff, and all his son’s old stuff. This includes Ruth. I’m buying her too so I can marry her.” So Ruth and Boaz got married and in short order Ruth had a son and turned him over to Naomi to care for. The neighbor women were super excited to see Naomi raising a baby and they named him Obed. Obed later turned out to be King David’s grandfather.

And they all lived happily ever after. You know, like you do if you buy your dead cousin's widow and make babies with her who are then brought up by your dead cousin’s mother.

Ref: Ruth 2-4

Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 1

I’m a sucker for a good country-western romance

Once upon a time Naomi moved to Moab with her husband Elimelech and their sons because there wasn’t enough to eat in their home town of Bethlehem. Elimelech died and the sons got married while living in Moab so Naomi picked up two daughter-in-laws: Orpah (not Oprah) and Ruth. Well, apparently Moab sucks because Naomi’s sons died too (probably West Nile or Hantavirus). Then Naomi called in her daughter-in-laws and said, “I done heard that God had the grace to bless the folks in Bethlehem with bread again, so I’m headin’ back thata way. Y’all need to get back to yer mama’s houses. I can’t go takin’ care of y’all anymore.”

Orpha was a good little girl and headed back to live with her parents, but Ruth said, “I won’t be havin’ none of that. I’m goin’ with you.” Naomi thought that was crazy and said, “What? You be crazy girl? I ain’t gonna have no more sons for you to marry, and even if I did, you really gonna wait around ‘till they’re old nuff for ya?” Ruth said she didn’t care about that. She was going with Naomi no matter what. Naomi relented and they moved to Bethlehem together.

Now, back in the olden days poor people could go to a field after it had been harvested and try to find any grain that the workers had missed (this is called gleaning). As luck would have it, Ruth unintentionally ended up gleaning the fields of some guy named Boaz. This is significant because Boaz was a relative of her deceased father-in-law.

Boaz was out driving his tractor along the corn rows that day and saw Ruth working in the field wearing her daisy dukes and a red flannel shirt. The Lyrics from John Michael Mongomery’s hit “Sold” (The Grundy County Auction Incident) slammed into his head like a ton of hay and he knew that he had “never seen anyone lookin’ so fine. Man I gotta have her, she’s a one of a kind. I’m goin’ once, goin’ twice. I’m sold! on the lady in the second row. She’s an eight, she’s a nine, she’s a ten, I know. She’s got ruby red lips, blonde hair, blue eyes. An I’m about to bid my heart good-bye!”

To be continued in Part 2 of this exciting epic . . .

Ref: Ruth 1 and Ruth 2:1-3