Ruth – Biblical Hottie - Part 1

I’m a sucker for a good country-western romance

Once upon a time Naomi moved to Moab with her husband Elimelech and their sons because there wasn’t enough to eat in their home town of Bethlehem. Elimelech died and the sons got married while living in Moab so Naomi picked up two daughter-in-laws: Orpah (not Oprah) and Ruth. Well, apparently Moab sucks because Naomi’s sons died too (probably West Nile or Hantavirus). Then Naomi called in her daughter-in-laws and said, “I done heard that God had the grace to bless the folks in Bethlehem with bread again, so I’m headin’ back thata way. Y’all need to get back to yer mama’s houses. I can’t go takin’ care of y’all anymore.”

Orpha was a good little girl and headed back to live with her parents, but Ruth said, “I won’t be havin’ none of that. I’m goin’ with you.” Naomi thought that was crazy and said, “What? You be crazy girl? I ain’t gonna have no more sons for you to marry, and even if I did, you really gonna wait around ‘till they’re old nuff for ya?” Ruth said she didn’t care about that. She was going with Naomi no matter what. Naomi relented and they moved to Bethlehem together.

Now, back in the olden days poor people could go to a field after it had been harvested and try to find any grain that the workers had missed (this is called gleaning). As luck would have it, Ruth unintentionally ended up gleaning the fields of some guy named Boaz. This is significant because Boaz was a relative of her deceased father-in-law.

Boaz was out driving his tractor along the corn rows that day and saw Ruth working in the field wearing her daisy dukes and a red flannel shirt. The Lyrics from John Michael Mongomery’s hit “Sold” (The Grundy County Auction Incident) slammed into his head like a ton of hay and he knew that he had “never seen anyone lookin’ so fine. Man I gotta have her, she’s a one of a kind. I’m goin’ once, goin’ twice. I’m sold! on the lady in the second row. She’s an eight, she’s a nine, she’s a ten, I know. She’s got ruby red lips, blonde hair, blue eyes. An I’m about to bid my heart good-bye!”

To be continued in Part 2 of this exciting epic . . .

Ref: Ruth 1 and Ruth 2:1-3

Balaam Gets Jerked Around by God – How doing what God says gets you killed

Doing my part to spread the Good Word

After the Hebrews left Egypt they started to move toward the land promised by God to Abraham’s descendents. Along the way they destroyed all the civilizations they came across. Now the king of Moab noticed the approach of the blood-thirsty people of God and figured his kingdom was next. Fortunately he knew a skilled wizard named Balaam. He sent some messengers to Balaam with gifts and a request that Balaam curse the Hebrews so they would lose in battle and NOT commit genocide against the Moabites.

After the messengers talked with Balaam, God showed up to put in his two cents. He said, “Hey man. You can’t go cursing my chosen people. You best just be stayin’ at home.” So Balaam is a good little boy and does what God says. After the King of Moab hears about Balaam’s refusal to curse the Hebrews he sends more messengers with more presents. This time when God shows up he says, “Alright man, I guess you should go with the Moabites, but you better not do what they ask. You just better do what I say instead.”

So Balaam gets on his Donkey and starts on his trip. Somehow God must have forgotten that He told Balaam to go because He gets MAD and sends an invisible angel to stop Balaam. Fortunately, Balaam’s donkey is special and can see invisible angels so when the angel blocks the path the donkey won’t walk. Balaam doesn’t know what’s going on so he hits the donkey. The donkey doesn’t think this is very fair so he STARTS TALKING. The donkey says, “Whoa man. Whacha be hittin’ me for?” Of course Balaam doesn’t think it’s weird at all to have a conversation with a donkey so he responds, “Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.” The donkey then says, “Hey now, you know I be a good donkey. I’ve like, never disrespected you before.”

Then God makes it so Balaam can see the angel who says, “Yo, Balaam it’s not nice to hit donkeys, oh and, by the way; God’s mad at you for doing what he told you to do last night.” Balaam doesn’t want God mad at him so he starts to head home. The angel stops him and says, “Ok Balaam. The thing is, now God wants you to go with the Moabites again. Just make sure you do what God tells you at the opportune moment.”

When that moment arrived Balaam was a good boy and blessed the Israelites instead of cursing them. This super awesome blessing from a hedge wizard who talks with God made it so the Israelites could then wipe out all the kingdoms in the region with impunity. Of course Balaam received an appropriate reward for his part in helping God’s people commit genocide. They killed him too.

Ref: Numbers 22 and Numbers 31:8