Jonah and Ninevah: Part 2 – The fate of Ninevah

Minstrel: [singing]
He is packing it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge.

After Jonah washed off the fish’s digestive fluids he walked to Nineveh which was such a big city that it took three days to walk across it. Jonah decided that after one full day of walking toward the city center he was far enough in to start warning of Jehovah induced destruction. It didn’t take the people of Nineveh long to get really freaked out about their impending end. They all believed the message and started to pray and fast. Even the king took off his fancy clothes, dressed in sackcloth, and covered himself with ashes. He commanded that everyone throughout the city pray, fast, and dress in sackcloth and ashes.

Jehovah saw that everyone decided to dance to his little tune, and there’s nothing Jehovah likes better that to see people scared and miserable on His behalf. So, Jehovah decided to not destroy Nineveh after all. This made Jonah mad. He was all sorts of upset that God forgave the people of Nineveh, but didn’t let him flee to Tarshish. Usually when someone gets mad at Jehovah, He just kills them; but for some reason with Jonah He departed from His modus operandi. Instead He explained that even if He doesn’t forgive the sins of a single person, it’s important to forgive naughtiness when a lot of people (and cattle) are involved. You should find odd if you’re familiar with the Old Testament because it represents a complete 180 in Jehovah’s thinking.

Of course Nineveh’s newfound righteousness didn’t last that long and Jehovah eventually ended up destroying it anyway.

Easy come, easy go.

Ref: Jonah 3-4

Jonah and Ninevah: Part 1 – Brave Sir Jonah Ran Away

Minstrel: [singing] Brave Sir Robin ran away...
Sir Robin: *No!*
Minstrel: [singing] bravely ran away away...
Sir Robin: *I didn't!*
Minstrel: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.
Sir Robin: *I never did!*
Minstrel: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about, and valiantly, he chickened out.
Sir Robin: *Oh, you liars!*
Minstrel: [singing] Bravely taking to his feet, he beat a very brave retreat. A brave retreat by brave Sir Robin.

One day Jonah was in his garden, minding his own damn business when the voice of Jehovah came to him saying, “Jonah, I need you to go to the great city of Nineveh and tell them to behave themselves. I’ve noticed that lately they’ve been naughty.” Well, Jonah didn’t want to go to Nineveh, especially if the people there were getting rowdy. Jonah figured his best bet to get away from Jehovah was to take a ship to Tarshish because apparently Jehovah can’t find you if you hide in Tarshish.

This made Jehovah mad. You wouldn’t like Jehovah when he gets angry. He will take you out and it won’t matter who gets hurt in the process. To kill Jonah, Jehovah sent a huge storm to sink the ship he was sailing on to get to Tarshish. Now the sailors weren’t stupid. They knew big storms only happen when Jehovah is trying to kill someone, so they drew lots to figure out who God was after. Then, because drawing lots always works, Jonah got the short straw. Once he’d been ousted by the damn straw Jonah came clean. He said, “Ok. You got me. I’m a Hebrew and I believe in Jehovah.” The sailors asked Jonah how to get Jehovah to stop trying to kill them and Jonah replied, “Well, I guess what you’ll have to do is throw me off the ship.”

To save themselves the sailors called out to the Lord saying, “Oh great Jehovah, please don’t kill us because Jonah sucks. Also, don’t hold us accountable for killing an innocent man. We’re only throwing him overboard because you want us to.” Then they tossed Jonah into the sea.

As crazy coincidence would have it, there was a giant fish (NOT a whale!) near the ship that swallowed Jonah. After three days in the fish’s belly Jonah started to rethink his hasty decision to flee Jehovah’s will and he began to pray. He said, “I’m really sorry I ran away. You are obviously super awesome. You made the oceans and mountains. You gave me life. I promise that I will now go to Nineveh just as you commanded me.”

I feel bad for the fish on hooks, don't you? I mean, look at them: they're bleeding!

Once Jonah prayed Jehovah decided to not kill him. Instead Jehovah talked to the fish and asked it to swim to shore and vomit. Because the fish was much smarter than Jonah, it did as the Lord asked, swam to the beach and blew chunks, depositing Jonah on the beach along with a big pile of fish puke. Yay for fish puke!

Ref: Jonah 1-2