Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

I wonder if Midianite women had a reputation for sexual prowess

You may not remember this, but when Moses fled Egypt to escape the criminal justice system he took refuge in Midian. While he was there he married a young Midianite woman named Zipporah, daughter of Jethro. Given Moses’ past relationship with Midian, it might surprise you to learn that when the Hebrew migration passed near Midian, Jehovah commanded Moses to wipe out the Midianites.

Apparently the Midianites were pretty weak sauce because Moses only sent 12,000 fighting men; 1,000 from each tribe. After the Hebrew heroes finished the long walk to Midian, they wasted no time in killing all the men. Then they took all the women and children captive, gathered up all the livestock and valuables, and burned every building in the country before returning to report to Moses.
 

When Moses received the war report he was furious. He said to the military leaders, “You didn’t kill the women? Are you crazy or just stupid? Don’t you realize that when Jehovah says he wants genocide, he actually wants genocide? Do you want Jehovah to kill us for not following orders?”

Moses immediately launched his plan of remediation. He had his people kill all the male Midianite children and all the women who failed the virginity check, and commanded that all the young virgins be immediately married to their captors.
 

This was a good start, but it wasn’t quite enough for the Lord. Jehovah spoke to Moses again with some additional steps: “Divide all the loot from Midian into two equal parts, divide one part among those who went to Midian to fight, and the other part among those who stayed behind. Then from the fighting men’s half, take one in every 500 young virgins and animals to the temple, along with one in 50 animals and virgins from the half for those who didn’t fight. Then sacrifice all those virgins and animals as a formal apology for not committing genocide properly and give all the looted money to the priest.

 

A total of 32,000 virgin Midianite girls survived the slaughter of their families. Of these, 352 virgins perished over the next several days as sacrifices to the Lord along with almost 9,000 animals. After the money was all collected, it was made into a memorial for the People of Israel.

 

Moral: Jehovah doesn’t like people messing with his genocide

Ref: Numbers 31

Sodom and Gomorrah – Valuing obesity over charity

No matter how you look at it, what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty terrible

In Ezekiel chapter 16, Ezekiel serves as the mouthpiece of the Lord, directly conveying the words of God to us from the dust of ages past. The chapter focuses primarily on the people of Jerusalem and how awful they were for worshiping other gods. You can read more about it here.

The focus of this post is not about how God chose to punish the sinners of Jerusalem 2,500 years ago. Instead, I’d like to introduce a piece of often overlooked wisdom.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. (Ezekiel 16:49, JKV)

Here’s the deal: back, like forever ago, Jehovah rained down fire from heaven to destroy the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s pretty generally accepted that Sodom was destroyed because Jehovah doesn’t like sodomy. In fact, that’s where the word sodomy originates. Of course the bible never actually specifies the act of anal sex, but there is this bit in Sodom where a mob of unruly men attempted (unsuccessfully) to gang rape a couple of angels. That happened after Jehovah had already decided to destroy the city though. You can read more about it here.



The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah - Pieter Schoubroeck (16th century)

Words like “iniquity” and “abomination” are used to describe why Sodom was destroyed. Those are pretty general, but Christians in general think the word “abomination” refers to anal sex. The only thing I can think of that could drive the association is the attempted gang rape. However, there is TONS of rape in the bible and a fair amount of it is gang rape. None of those other places of rape got torched; presumably because it was guy on girl rape, but I’m not entirely convinced.


This Levite just found his concubine on the doorstep, where she
managed to drag herself before dying after a long night
of especially brutal rape by a gang of biblical miscreants



The only place in the bible I can find that uses really specific language to describe the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah is in the above quoted scripture where The Great God Himself says the iniquity (or abomination) of Sodom was pride, gluttony, laziness, and a failure to care properly for the poor and needy.

Yeah, Jehovah totally torched Sodom and Gomorrah because the non-poor were fat and lazy while the poor went hungry.

Note: according to the USDA, almost 15% of American households experience “food insecurity” every year. These households are uncertain of having, or unable to acquire, enough food to meet the needs of all their members because they had insufficient money or other resources for food.

  

Please take the time to visit http://feedingamerica.org/ or http://thehungersite.greatergood.com/ to learn how you can help combat hunger.

Eating Your Children – It only happens when Jehovah gets mad

I wonder if Jehovah was kind enough to provide of copy of “To Serve Man: A Cookbook for People”

When Baruch was living in Babylon, he had an important lesson to teach his fellow Hebrews. Jehovah was not pleased. Ever since the Hebrews had been led away from Egypt by Moses, they had failed to live up to Jehovah’s expectations. There was a lot of partying, bi-racial children, and other stuff that was contrary to the laws of God. 

Because Jehovah was not pleased, all sorts of terrible things happened in Jerusalem so people would eat their children. Jehovah doesn’t mess around.

Moral: don’t dick with God, or you’ll have to eat your children.

Ref: Baruch 2:1-3 (World English Bible)

'Therefore the Lord has made good his word, which he pronounced against us and against our judges who judged Israel and against our kings and our princes and against the men of Israel and Judah, to bring upon us great plagues, such as never happened under the whole heaven, yet came to pass in Jerusalem, according to the things which were written in the law of Moses, so that a man would eat the flesh of his own son and the flesh of his own daughter.

Rape in the Last Days – Everything is bigger in the Last Days

I try not to judge. I also try to not think too much about terrible things.

In the “Last Days,” Jehovah will gather ALL the nations of Earth to Jerusalem where they will have a huge battle.

The cities will be overrun,

the houses will be looted,

and the women will be raped.

You may be inclined to think Jehovah is all about enabling rape, since mass rape on an unimaginable scale will be caused by Jehovah’s gathering of the people.

Yes, you may feel that way.

Ref: Zechariah 14:1-2

Hosea and Gomer – A refreshing blend of prophet and whoredom

Would you be upset if God called your wife a whore?

Hosea had a very special relationship with Jehovah. They used to chat all the time, take long walks on the beach, and plan for the future. One day Jehovah said to Hosea:

Yo!

Like, all them Israelites, they be whoring

themselves out; bowing before another god.

I gots stuff to say, what ain’t not boring

Time for destruction. Get ready to applaud.

Seek out dem whores, and find a fertile girl

It’s time to procreate; make kids from whoredom

Let me give them names. Let’s give it a twirl.

We’ll use them to show the end of the kingdom.

Hosea was a good boy, so he went out and found a pretty little thing that was whoring herself out to other gods. Her name was Gomer, and after Hosea took her from her father Diblaim, she got all pregnant, gave birth to a son, and Jehovah named the kid Jezreel.

Jezreel’s name meant that Jehovah was going to destroy the kingdom of Israel and “break Israel’s bow” in the valley of Jezreel. The second kid, a daughter, was named Lo-ruhamah. This name meant the house of Israel would receive no mercy, but the house of Judah would sorta be OK after a while. Finally, Gomer popped out a second son, who Jehovah named Lo-ammi. Lo-ammi means, “You are not my people, and I will not be your God.”

After all the birthing and naming; things looked pretty bleak for those who practiced whoredoms and those born from whoredoms. Jehovah must have realized this, because he left off with some words of consolation:

Yo!

In the future, the stars will shine bright.

The people of Israel will expand.

You know they’ll outnumber the sand, right?

They’re the children of God, understand?

Whoa, did I hear that right? The people of Israel are the children of God? I thought they were the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob/Israel. Clearly I was wrong, because someone as tight with Jehovah as Hosea wouldn’t lie about something like that. I am just left to wonder if Jehovah was talking about Hosea’s kids and Jehovah was even closer to Hosea and Gomer than I thought. Probably not. Jehovah was probably banging Abraham’s wife Sarah, and that’s how she finally got pregnant with Isaac after all those unfruitful years of intercourse with Abraham. A third option is that Jehovah was having covert sex with ALL the ladies, and everyone was the literal son or daughter of God. That’s a whole lot of incest and a really funny looking family tree.

Of course Jehovah’s legendary fertility could explain the massive population growth among Abraham’s alleged descendants during their time in Egypt.  

Moral: It’s rarely a good thing with God dictates who you marry and how you name your children.

Ref: Hosea 1:1-11

Josiah Sacrifices the Pagan Priests – A cumulative tale

Special thanks to “This is the House that Jack Built”

This is the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Jeroboam that promised death

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

__________________________________________________

These are the priests, who love pagan rites,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

These are the police that captured the priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Josiah, the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is a priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

These are the bones, hard and white,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Jehovah, completely sated,

by the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

Ref: 1 Kings 13:1-2 & 2 Kings 23:20-25

1 Kings 13:1-2

1 And, behold, there came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the Lord unto Beth-el: and Jeroboam stood by the altar to burn incense.

 2 And he cried against the altar in the word of the Lord, and said, O altar, altar, thus saith the Lord; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee.

2 Kings 23:20-25

20 And he slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them, and returned to Jerusalem.

24 ¶Moreover the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the abominations that were spied in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, did Josiah put away, that he might perform the words of the law which were written in the book that Hilkiah the priest found in the house of the Lord.

 25 And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the Lord with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there any like him.

Slavery and Marriage – God addresses the legality of slavery

Jehovah doesn’t like it when people don’t follow the rules for slave ownership

Slavery was common among the Lord’s chosen people back when they actually followed the laws recorded in the bible. Nowadays everyone ignores most of the God’s laws so there is no more official slavery practiced in the Western world. Of course human trafficking is alive and well, primarily in the sex trade, but it no longer has any official government sanction.

When African slavery was practiced in the United States, the children of slaves always belonged to whoever owned the parents. Jehovah doesn’t think it should be that simple, that’s why God’s One True Slavery is clearly explained in the bible.

Whenever a Hebrew buys a Hebrew male as a slave, that slave automatically goes free after six years. Female Hebrew slaves are never released. Once you buy a female Hebrew, she’s yours until she dies or you sell her. If you buy a male Hebrew who is already married, you get the wife too, but after six years she and her children get released with the husband.

Let’s say that one day I decide I need some extra help in my winery; logically, I go down to the slave market to buy someone. I end up buying Stevinski. Stevinski is a 19 year-old bachelor. He was put up for sale because he borrowed money from a certain Mr. Loan Shark to bet on the New York Giants. When the Giants lost, Mr. Loan Shark went to the local authorities and had Stevinshi arrested for not paying back the debt. Mr. Loan Shark then had Stevinski sold to recover his money.

Fortunately for me, Stevinski is an excellent slave and does really good work in the winery. To reward Stevinsky I give him Paulette as a wife. Paulette is a fifteen-year-old slave I bought three years earlier from her father who needed some extra money to refurbish his house boat. Because there is no law requiring the eventual release of female slaves, I have no reason to not use Paulette this way.

Over the next four years, Stevinski and Paulette have two kids. Because Paulette is my slave, and not a wife who came into my service with Stevinski, the kids belong to me. The sixth year of Stevinski’s slavery ends and I tell him he’s free to go, but in accordance with God’s law, Paulette and the kids are staying with me.

Stevinski has the option to leave, but he decides that he loves his wife and children enough to stay a slave so they are not separated. Then I have to take Stevinski to the courthouse and he swears to a judge that he wants to remain a slave forever so he can stay with his wife and kids. Then I stab his ear with an awl to mark him as a permanent slave and he keeps working in my winery. He and Paulette have four more children, who also belong to me, and I end up with eight slaves for the price of two.

Moral: God wants Paulette and her children to belong to me for life, all so Paulette’s dad can get some extra cash.

Ref: Exodus 21:1-6

Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot