Moses Gets Laid – Moses Part III

Midianite women are HOT!

After Moses safely escaped from the law and settled in Midian, we went to a well and sat down. Sound strange? Here it is in the language of the King James Version: “Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well” (Exodus 2:15). Yup, the high point of the verse describing Moses’ flight from the punishment for murder is that he sat down by a well in Midian.

While Moses was chilling by the well the seven daughters of Midian’s High Priest Jethro showed up to water their sheep. I’m sure that it never occurred to Moses to figure out what time the pretty little girls showed up at the well every day, and it never occurred to him that he could be there every time to get an eyeful. Moses just wasn’t the kind of guy that likes to perv over little girls; didn’t give murder a second thought, but conveniently run into Jethro’s daughters at the well? Never!

Pervy or not, on this particular day when the girls started to draw water from the well, a bunch of shepherds showed up and drove the little girls away from the well. Moses didn’t like people messing with his little girl/well fetish so once again he drew upon his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz and watered those little girls’ animals himself; and there was nothing a bunch of untrained shepherds could do about it.

When the little girls got home with their animals earlier then Jethro expected he said, “What’s going on? Why are you back so soon?” The little girls told their father about the nice Egyptian that helped them water their animals. Jethro liked the idea of bringing new genetic material into the family so he sent the girls to fetch Moses and invite him to dinner.

 

Moses was thrilled when he learned the High Priest wanted him to spend more time around the pretty girls. He was even more excited when Jethro offered him Zipporah (the post-pubescent one) as a wife, free of charge. This was the best possible outcome for Moses. He was getting a rich father-in-law, a hot young sex partner, and he could still spend his afternoons watching the little girls work.



Iron Maiden: Somewhere in Time



Moses immediately started spending all his free time trying to make a baby with Zipporah and when it eventually worked, he named the kid Gershom, which for some reason commemorates being a “stranger in a strange land.” This is indisputable proof that Iron Maiden is the heavy metal band most preferred by famous murdering prophets of Yahweh. Clearly Moses was inspired by the lyrics to ‘Stranger in a Strange Land.’



Ref: Exodus 2:15-22

Iron Maiden – Stranger in a Strange Land

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
Nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
Discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
They came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Lyrics taken from www.lyricsfreak.com

Moses’ Wife Saves the Day – Even God doesn’t let angry women with sharp rocks near his junk

I'm Extracting the Gems

So Moses is living as a shepherd in Midean, and one day God shows up and tells Moses he has to get over to Egypt and convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites move away. Moses isn’t cool with this at first because he is convinced that Pharaoh is WAY tougher than God; also, Moses is on the run from the Egyptian police who are after him on charges of aggravated assault and homicide.

God spends some time convincing Moses that He is actually tougher than Pharaoh and reassures Moses than due to an unusually high turnover rate in the Egyptian police department, nobody works there anymore that remembers Moses’ criminal past. So Moses goes and asks his father-in-law (Jethro) permission to head over to Egypt so he can do what the magic voice tells him.

Jethro says it’s ok, so Moses takes his wife (Zipporah) and son and they head off toward Egypt. On the way they stop at an inn and for some reason that I don’t understand, God meets Moses at the inn and tries to kill him. Zipporah notices that God is trying to kill Moses, so she grabs a sharp rock and cuts the foreskin off her son’s penis (like you do when God tries to kill your husband). Zipporah throws the foreskin on the ground by Moses’ feet and says, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.”

God is pretty busy trying to kill Moses but he still manages to notice there is a genital mutilation party going down in the inn, and books it straight out of there before Zipporah gets any more ideas. Once God is safely out of the picture, Zipporah apologizes to Moses for calling him a bloody husband and explains it was because she had to use a rock to cut up her son’s penis.

Hurray for Zipporah who managed to stop God from killing her husband so he was still able to do God’s chores.

Ref: Exodus 4:1-26