Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

I wonder if Midianite women had a reputation for sexual prowess

You may not remember this, but when Moses fled Egypt to escape the criminal justice system he took refuge in Midian. While he was there he married a young Midianite woman named Zipporah, daughter of Jethro. Given Moses’ past relationship with Midian, it might surprise you to learn that when the Hebrew migration passed near Midian, Jehovah commanded Moses to wipe out the Midianites.

Apparently the Midianites were pretty weak sauce because Moses only sent 12,000 fighting men; 1,000 from each tribe. After the Hebrew heroes finished the long walk to Midian, they wasted no time in killing all the men. Then they took all the women and children captive, gathered up all the livestock and valuables, and burned every building in the country before returning to report to Moses.
 

When Moses received the war report he was furious. He said to the military leaders, “You didn’t kill the women? Are you crazy or just stupid? Don’t you realize that when Jehovah says he wants genocide, he actually wants genocide? Do you want Jehovah to kill us for not following orders?”

Moses immediately launched his plan of remediation. He had his people kill all the male Midianite children and all the women who failed the virginity check, and commanded that all the young virgins be immediately married to their captors.
 

This was a good start, but it wasn’t quite enough for the Lord. Jehovah spoke to Moses again with some additional steps: “Divide all the loot from Midian into two equal parts, divide one part among those who went to Midian to fight, and the other part among those who stayed behind. Then from the fighting men’s half, take one in every 500 young virgins and animals to the temple, along with one in 50 animals and virgins from the half for those who didn’t fight. Then sacrifice all those virgins and animals as a formal apology for not committing genocide properly and give all the looted money to the priest.

 

A total of 32,000 virgin Midianite girls survived the slaughter of their families. Of these, 352 virgins perished over the next several days as sacrifices to the Lord along with almost 9,000 animals. After the money was all collected, it was made into a memorial for the People of Israel.

 

Moral: Jehovah doesn’t like people messing with his genocide

Ref: Numbers 31

Crossing the Red Sea - Moses Part VIII

We still have one more “hard heart” miracle to go . . .

Once the Hebrews were safely out of Egypt, they started to head toward Palestine so they could kill everyone there and take their land. Yahweh was worried that if the people went straight from slavery to war, they would head back to Egypt and ask to be enslaved again. To avoid this, Yahweh had Moses and Aaron take the people the long way through the Red Sea wilderness. To make doubly sure, Yahweh Himself led the people. He appeared as a pillar of cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night.

Because Yahweh got bored easily He led His people into a trap. Once they were safely camped near the shore of the Red Sea in a place where the wilderness hedged them in, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart one last time. Magically modified Pharaoh didn’t waste any time in gathering a huge force of chariots to kill a bunch of Hebrews and re-enslave the rest.

Once the Hebrews saw the approaching force they got all upset and demanded to know why they were led out of Egypt if they were just going to die in the wilderness. It’s ok though. You see, Yahweh had a plan. The real reason he hardened Pharaoh’s heart this last time was so He could kill a whole bunch more Egyptians. Yahweh had Moses divide the Red Sea so His people could cross on dry ground. Then the magic pillar of cloud moved behind the Hebrews and temporarily blinded the Egyptian forces by blocking all the light.



crossing on dry land

 After about a day of walking, the Hebrews were almost across the Sea and Yahweh released Pharaoh’s army from darkness. The chariots raced through the magic passage, but once they were too far in to escape, Yahweh made their chariot wheels pop off. Then, when all the Hebrews were safely across the sea, Yahweh told Moses to close the passage and every single Egyptian soldier drowned.

Moral: avoid joining the Military at all costs if your country’s population is more than 50% Hebrew slaves. Otherwise, there is a good change Yahweh will kill you.

Ref: Exodus 13:17 – 14:31

Yahweh’s Wonders – “Thunder bolt and lightning very very frightening me”

Why did Yahweh work so hard to impress Pharaoh if He was just going to use magic to make sure Pharaoh wasn’t impressed? Because He’s an exhibitionist.

When Moses and Aaron went to visit Pharaoh the second time, Aaron turned his staff into a snake to impress Pharaoh. Of course Pharaoh wasn’t impressed and called in his personal magicians who also turned their rods into snakes. Because Aaron’s snake was a Yahweh snake it was tougher than the average snake and ate all the magician’s snakes. Unfortunately for the slaves, Yahweh “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” to make sure he didn’t get all worried and let the slaves go.

The next day Yahweh told Moses to tell Aaron to touch the river water with his magic snake rod. This turned the river to blood and all the fish died. This was pretty impressive, but again Pharaoh’s magicians duplicated the feat and Yahweh did his heart hardening bit so the slaves had to stay.

The next trick was frogs. Moses told Aaron to summon about a bazillion frogs. These frogs got everywhere. They covered the entire country. Then, the magicians duplicated the feat and made things even worse! Finally Pharaoh got fed up and asked Moses and Aaron to ask Yahweh to get rid of the frogs, promising that as soon as the frogs were gone the Hebrew slaves would all be released. Once the frogs were gone though, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart and the slaves had to stay.

They repeated this exact pattern for lice, and then for flies. After Pharaoh reversed his promise for the flies Moses and Aaron started to sing the part they knew of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, because who doesn’t love that song, I mean really? Even more surprising was the fact that Pharaoh joined in.

Moses: But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me.
Aaron: He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Moses: Easy come easy go will you let me go?
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.
Pharaoh: Will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.

Pharaoh: Never! Never let you go.

Moses: Let me go, never let me go ooo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for me - for me



Queen: Greatest Hits



While you would think performing Queen’s music a cappella would solve any property dispute, not even such joyful sounds could overcome Yahweh’s persistent hardening of Pharaoh’s heart. Even after Aaron and Moses killed all the Egyptian cattle, gave the Egyptians boils, made fire rain down from heaven, caused a plague of locusts, and made everything dark for three days, Pharaoh just couldn’t shake that heart hardening. Oh well.

Moral: no amount of singing or magic can overcome a hard heart once Yahweh gets involved.

Ref: Exodus 7 - 10

Moses Makes Things Worse – Moses Part V

‘Bush’ Yahweh is a jerk He deliberately made all those people suffer, just to make a good story.

After Moses got to Egypt he hooked up with his brother Aaron and the two of them went and talked to the elders of Israel. Aaron did the talking of course, and convinced the elders that they were sent by Yahweh to free the people. The elders got super excited and praised the lord and all that.

You may remember from the previous bible story that Yahweh told Moses the slaves would not be freed at first because Yahweh was going to harden Pharaoh’s heart until after all the plagues were finished and Yahweh got to kill Pharaoh’s son. Apparently Moses forgot, because when he went to visit Pharaoh the next day, he was really surprised when Pharaoh didn’t just let everyone go. Instead Pharaoh decided that if the people had time to pray to Yahweh, they weren’t working hard enough. We should probably forgive Moses for forgetting about the whole, “I won’t free the slaves until after I get to do all sorts of cool storybook stuff first.” After all, he was 80 years old at that point.

Pharaoh commanded that the supply of straw to the brick-making slaves stop. To take up some of that free time, the slaves would now be required to gather their own grass and stubble to make the bricks. Of course the number of bricks being produced couldn’t drop to make sure the new initiative would help reduce all that wasteful prayer time.

Moses got mad after the new straw program went into effect and demanded that Yahweh tell him why he was sent to free the slaves if asking just got them more work. “For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” Of course Yahweh had an answer. He went on and on and on about how he was remembering his people and would free them. Seriously, He wouldn’t shut up about it. After several hours of this incredibly repetitive rhetoric Yahweh finally got around to saying, “Just go back to Pharaoh again. This time I’ll help out and tell you what to say.”

Moral: to serve God properly, you must first confront Vader alone. Then, only then, a Jedi will you be.

Ref: Exodus 4:27 – 6:30

Moses Gets Laid – Moses Part III

Midianite women are HOT!

After Moses safely escaped from the law and settled in Midian, we went to a well and sat down. Sound strange? Here it is in the language of the King James Version: “Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well” (Exodus 2:15). Yup, the high point of the verse describing Moses’ flight from the punishment for murder is that he sat down by a well in Midian.

While Moses was chilling by the well the seven daughters of Midian’s High Priest Jethro showed up to water their sheep. I’m sure that it never occurred to Moses to figure out what time the pretty little girls showed up at the well every day, and it never occurred to him that he could be there every time to get an eyeful. Moses just wasn’t the kind of guy that likes to perv over little girls; didn’t give murder a second thought, but conveniently run into Jethro’s daughters at the well? Never!

Pervy or not, on this particular day when the girls started to draw water from the well, a bunch of shepherds showed up and drove the little girls away from the well. Moses didn’t like people messing with his little girl/well fetish so once again he drew upon his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz and watered those little girls’ animals himself; and there was nothing a bunch of untrained shepherds could do about it.

When the little girls got home with their animals earlier then Jethro expected he said, “What’s going on? Why are you back so soon?” The little girls told their father about the nice Egyptian that helped them water their animals. Jethro liked the idea of bringing new genetic material into the family so he sent the girls to fetch Moses and invite him to dinner.

 

Moses was thrilled when he learned the High Priest wanted him to spend more time around the pretty girls. He was even more excited when Jethro offered him Zipporah (the post-pubescent one) as a wife, free of charge. This was the best possible outcome for Moses. He was getting a rich father-in-law, a hot young sex partner, and he could still spend his afternoons watching the little girls work.



Iron Maiden: Somewhere in Time



Moses immediately started spending all his free time trying to make a baby with Zipporah and when it eventually worked, he named the kid Gershom, which for some reason commemorates being a “stranger in a strange land.” This is indisputable proof that Iron Maiden is the heavy metal band most preferred by famous murdering prophets of Yahweh. Clearly Moses was inspired by the lyrics to ‘Stranger in a Strange Land.’



Ref: Exodus 2:15-22

Iron Maiden – Stranger in a Strange Land

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
Nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
Discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
They came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Lyrics taken from www.lyricsfreak.com

Meet Super-Ninja Moses – Moses Part II

Silent and deadly, he strikes when an opportunity presents itself.

Moses must have inherited some of his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz from his mother who not only managed keep his birth a secret, but also kept him hidden from the world for three months. Eventually Moses’ mom decided she couldn’t keep him anymore so she put him in a basket and left him floating in the reeds by the side of the river, with his sister Miriam keeping her eye on things.
 

Luckily, one of Pharaoh’s daughters found the basket when she walked down to the river with her personal slaves to wash up. When she saw the cute little boy she immediately recognized him as a Hebrew, but she felt bad for the little guy so she didn’t toss him into the river. She decided to keep him instead, you know, like a pet snake or a frog. Miriam rushed up to the daughter and said, “Hey, do you want me to go fetch a Hebrew wet nurse to feed your new pet?” The daughter agreed and Miriam went and told her mother she could hang around her new son, feed him, and get paid for doing it; sweet deal, right?

Once the boy started getting older and didn’t feel like nursing anymore he was formally adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter who named him Moses. Moses went on to grow up in a wealthy household. He had it so good he probably got his first iPhone when he was in kindergarten and a brand new Lamborghini when he turned sixteen.

 

Aventador LP 720-4 50° Anniversario: image taken from www.lamborghini.com

Once Moses was done growing up, he went out one day to check on some of the other Hebrews. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave, got upset, and went into full ninja mode. First he checked to make sure there were no witnesses. Then he slipped like a gentle breeze through the reeds and across the sand before launching a stealth attack. Because Moses was fully concealed he had a 3d6 sneak attack damage bonus and his opponent lost his dex bonus to AC. Moses rolled a 20, a crit threat with his improvised stone weapon and followed it up with a 14 which easily overcame his opponent’s AC (who wasn’t wearing heavy armor and was highly dependent on his dex bonus) and landed a CRITICAL hit for 2x damage. The poor little Egyptian crumpled like soggy paper and Moses hid the body in the sand.

Moses was really proud of himself until the next day when he decided to stop a fight between two Hebrew slaves. One of the slaves said, “Hey jackass! Since when are you in charge of us? Are you gonna kill me now, like you did the Egyptian yesterday?”

Moses was really concerned the belligerent slave knew about his murdering ways and decided the police would find out soon if they didn’t know already. Moses knew the Egyptian legal system really well and knew that Hebrews always received the death penalty for killing an Egyptian citizen. Moses didn’t like that idea very much so he booked it right out of town. He didn’t stop running until he made it all the way to Midian (modern day Saudi Arabia), probably at least 300 miles. I assume Moses didn’t run the entire stretch in one go. He probably stopped to rest every so often, maybe drink some water; but maybe not. After all, he was a super ninja with m4d sk1lz.

Moral: even super ninjas can get in trouble with the law.

Ref: Exodus 2:1-15

Note: m4d n1nj4 sk1lz = mad ninja skills

Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Q: Why do so many stories involve hookers? A: In biblical times it was a highly respected profession, like an attorney or a member of congress.

Many Westerners have heard of Palestine and the conflict with Israel. What they may not know is that the modern areas of Israel, Palestine, and the West Bank are all part of the region traditionally known as “Palestine.” Back in the olden days (think bible) this region was known as Canaan.

When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt Jehovah promised to give them Palestine; never mind that Palestine was already a populated region composed of a whole mess of small kingdoms. Jehovah was going to hand it all over to the Hebrews and there was nothing anybody could do about it. After Moses died Jehovah decided it was finally time for the invasion to begin. He floated down to Earth and told Joshua to prepare for the invasion. Jericho was the closest major population center, so Joshua sent some spies to check it out.

When the spies got to the big city the first thing they did was find a prostitute. This particular prostitute was named Rahab and she was really great. After the spies showed up in Jericho, the King was told that some Israelis were there to case the joint. The king wasn’t comfortable with this so he sent some of his men to Rahab’s place to pick up the spies. Rahab was fond of her latest customers so she lied to the soldiers. She said, “Yeah, there were some guys here earlier but I didn’t know they were from out of town. They took off a while ago. I’m pretty sure I saw them go out the main gate just before sundown. I bet if you start now, you’ll be able to catch them before they get too far.”

Once the soldiers were out of sight Rahab went to have a little chat with her Hebrew clients. She said, “Look, I know who you are and I know Jehovah has given your people all of Palestine. Here’s the thing though; I have parents, brothers, and sisters and because I saved you I ask that you not kill my family.” This seemed reasonable to the spies so they gave Rahab their word and she lowered them out through a window in the city wall.

Moral: whenever you visit a new city, your first order of business should be to hook up with a prostitute. It just may save your life

Ref: Joshua 1 & 2

Moses Outsmarts God – 40 years of wandering in the desert: go!

Maybe if my kids believed that God kills complainers they wouldn’t whine so much

After Moses and the Israelites left Egypt by the power of the Lord they walked through the wilderness until they got near the “Promised Land.” At that point Moses picked one person from each of the twelve tribes and sent them to check out the region to see how well fortified the current inhabitants were and how promising it looked for agriculture.

So these 12 guys scouted the land for 40 days and came back to report. They said, “This place is awesome. It totally flows with milk and honey. It’s full of people though who live in big cities with strong walls.” Caleb (one of the scouts) said, “Alright, we’ve given our report. Let’s go right now to kill all those losers living there and take it for ourselves.” However, 10 of the other scouts said, “No way! We could never move to that place. The people who already live there are too many and too strong. There is no way we could ever beat them.”

When the general populace heard this report they all got upset and cried all night. The next day they just sat around and complained saying stuff like, “Why did Jehovah bring us here to die? We’re going to either be slaughtered by the inhabitants of the Promised Land or die in the wilderness. This is terrible. It would have been better if we had just stayed in Egypt!” Once everyone got all their complaining done they decided to elect a captain to lead them back to Egypt so they could return to their former lives as slaves.

Caleb and the other “good” scout didn’t like this conversation at all. They started running through the camp telling everyone that the Promised Land was good and they should move there and kill those who were already there. It would be WAY better than returning to Egypt. Well, the fans of returning to Egypt didn’t like what Caleb and his buddy were saying so they started throwing rocks at them.

As you might imagine, Jehovah was not pleased. He appeared to the populace just in time to stop them from killing the “good” scouts and said to Moses, “This is absurd. After everything I’ve done for these jerks they still won’t behave properly. I’m going to have to kill them all now and make a new nation using only your personal family.” Moses didn’t like the sound of that so he came up with a plan to convince Jehovah to change His mind. Moses said, “Ok, yeah, sure you could do that. However, I’m pretty sure the Egyptians would hear about it. Then they’ll probably tell all the people who now inhabit the Promised Land. Then everyone will know you were unable to bring us to the Promised Land and decided to just give up and kill us in the desert. Do you really want everyone to think you’re a pussy?”

Jehovah thought about this a little while and finally said, “Well, ok then. I’ll not kill everyone. But I’m only not doing it because that’s what I want; not because of anything you said. Remember that. The Lord doesn’t bow to the will of man. Here’s what I’ll do now instead. Everyone is going to have to wander in the wilderness for 40 years to make sure that all the people over the age of 20 that complained will die here. Oh, except Caleb. Because he’s awesome he will get to survive and live in the Promised Land with his posterity.”

To finish things Jehovah killed the 10 “evil” scouts and sent the Amalekites and Canaanites to kill a bunch of those whiny Israelites.

Moral: God kills complainers.

Ref: Numbers 14

Genocide – Ensuring that man does not exercise his agency

Why does Elohim have to be so damn inconsistent?

Revelation chapter 12 talks about a great war in heaven wherein Michael and his Angels fight against a dragon and its angels and cast them out of heaven. That dragon is identified as Satan.

The Mormons teach that everyone who is ever born was first born spiritually in heaven to our heavenly father and one of his polygamous wives. This includes Lucifer and Jesus (who in Mormon lore is the actual son of God in the flesh just like Hercules is the son of Zeus). There was a big council before the world was formed to decide how best to get all God’s spirit children back to heaven. Lucifer proposed a world without choice so everyone could get a body, never sin, then die and be resurrected. That wasn’t what Elohim wanted. Jesus was a good little boy and put forward a plan that worked for Elohim. Everyone would be able to sin but because no unclean thing can enter the presence of God, Jesus would go be the literal son of God, choose to never sin, and then pay for everyone else’s sins so they could go to heaven.

There was a big fight after that where the forces of Jesus and the Forces of Lucifer had it out. Of course Lucifer lost but he took 1/3^rd of the host of heaven with him when he was cast out (hence the 1/3^rd of the stars thing).

Michael and the Dragon

Point of the above story: Elohim wants people to make their own decisions about whether or not to sin. Then they can choose to either repent and take advantage of Jesus’ atonement or go to hell with Lucifer and his 1/3^rd.  I’m not an expert on every religion, but I’m pretty sure the idea that people need to choose for themselves to go to heaven is pretty much true across the board, at least for the Christians anyway.

Problem: In the bible, Elohim works to make it so people don’t choose the bad.

For example: in Exodus chapter 23, Elohim reveals his laws to Moses. This is largely a reiteration of the 10 commandments as found in Exodus 20, but it includes a couple of additional instructions. It’s not good enough to avoid serving different gods, you have to destroy the people who follow those gods. In verses 29-33 Elohim promises to help the Hebrews destroy all the idol worshipers in the Promised Land, and commands them to do it so they can avoid the temptation of idol worship.

Yep, that’s right. God commanded the Israelites to commit genocide so they would not face temptation. So much for allowing people to choose for themselves which gods to serve. Sounds like Elohim and the Mormon version of Lucifer have a lot in common.

Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Letting the Lord be a part of your daily life seems like a good way to get killed

And it came to pass that in the days of Moses wherein the children of Israel sojourned in the desert that Korah the Levite and 250 of the great princes of the assembly rose up to address Moses. That’s right, you heard me. Korah and his celebrity friends went to have a little chat with Moses one day. They said, “Moses and Aaron, you two have way too much power to decide what happens to us. You need to share some of that responsibility and authority. Everyone in the congregation is a holy person and Yahweh is with all of us. Why then do the two of you use your ‘holiness’ as an excuse to boss everyone around?”

Moses was not pleased these individuals were challenging his authority. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and instantly formulated a plan. He said, “Alright then. All of you all who are here challenging us bring some incense tomorrow and you will burn it to honor Yahweh. Aaron and his priests will do the same. Then Yahweh will show us who is holy.” Moses then had a talk with God and told Him to not accept the offering of Korah and his buddies.

At the time set aside for burning the incense the next day Moses said, “Everyone pay attention. Yahweh put me in charge of you all. If these men who are assembled against me die, it means I’m in charge. If the Lord visits them peacefully it means that I’m not supposed to be in charge.” Right after Moses stopped talking a huge pit appeared in the ground. Korah, all his relatives, their houses, and all their property fell into the pit. Then Yahweh shot out streams of flame that consumed the 250 celebrity princes with the incense.

The next day the surviving children of Israel started to complain because Moses had killed so many of the Lord’s people; as you might expect. Because Yahweh can’t stand whining he said to Moses, “Get away from all these people so I can destroy them too.” Moses didn’t want EVERYONE to die so he made Aaron grab some incense and run like crazy among the people so the Lord would not destroy them. This sort of worked. Only 14,700 people were killed for complaining instead of everyone.

Moral: Don’t complain, seriously. If you do Yahweh will get you!

Ref: Numbers 16

Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10

The Epic of the Brass Serpent – Giving Jehovah a run for his money

Yeah, snakes are the best.

A long time ago in a desert far, far away . . .

SNAKE
WARS

Episode IV

A NEW HOPE
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel Hebrews, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against the
awesome might of Jehovah.
During the battle, Hebrew spies
managed to steal secrets plans
to Jehovah’s ultimate weapon,
the Fiery Serpent, a flying snake
with enough power to destroy
an entire race. Pursued by
Jehovah’s sinister agents,
Moses races home upon his
camel, custodian of the stolen
plans that can save his people
and restore freedom to the
desert . . .

 

Snake Wars started while the Hebrew people were living in the wilderness; after leaving Egypt, but before wiping out the inhabitants of the “promised land.” Some of the Hebrews started complaining that they didn’t like the desert and they were tired of eating the magic food God was providing for them for free: ungrateful bastards.

If there’s one thing Jehovah simply can’t abide, it’s a whiner. To stop the complaining Jehovah sent his fleet of flying fire snakes into the desert to bite the Hebrews. After a good percentage of the population died from snakebite, the survivors asked Moses to find a way to save Jehovah’s chosen people. In secret Moses planned a daring strike into the heart of heaven to steal the secret plans to the fiery serpent. To discuss strategy, he gathered the members of the Pentaverate: the Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up (google it kids). Finally it was decided the Queen would run a solo mission to get the plans, then Moses would “go long” for a Hail Mary pass.

Now, I’m going to avoid reciting the details of the mission to avoid boring you. Suffice it to say that Moses received the pass and managed to escape on his camel.

Once Moses was back in camp with the plans, construction began immediately on a serpent made from brass to counter the effects of Jehovah’s evil fire snakes. When the Brass Serpent was completed, Moses raised it on a pole so everyone could see it. Once the people of God put their faith in the Brass Serpent instead of God, the poison from the fiery snake bites was purged from their systems and they survived. Through their brave effort, the Hebrew rebels were able to thwart the will of God and prove that nine times out of ten; man-made snakes overpower those made by God.

Ref: Numbers 21:4-8

Phinehas Kills the Adulterers – How killing people stops God from killing other people

Holy crap, could Jehovah be any more of a prick?

After Moses led the Israelites out of Egypt but before they made it to the “promised land” they had a lot of contact with different groups of people. When they were in Shittim (no, I did not make up that name) they started to do some really crazy stuff like have sex with the local women, eat their food, and worship their gods.

As you might expect, Jehovah was not pleased. He told Moses to take the heads off his people and hang them in the sun so He wouldn’t be mad anymore. Since this made perfect sense to Moses, he gave the order that every man who participated in the worship of local gods should be executed. Just the men though. You have to be careful to always kill more men than women so polygamy works out better.

After the whole worshiping the wrong gods thing was sorted through the use of capital punishment, things managed to get even crazier. This Hebrew guy named Zimri had the audacity to hook up with a Midianitish woman named Cozbi (remember that Moses’ wife was from Midian, damn hippocrate) and actually bring her around so the other Hebrews could see that a Hebrew man and Midianitish women were together and not ashamed of it. Well, this level of audacity got Jehovah so worked up that he started killing random Israelites using disease (one of God’s favorite toys).

Fortunately for the Lord’s people, a discerning gentleman named Phinehas worked out that Zimri’s relationship with Cozbi was the cause for the plague. Phinehas grabbed a Javelin, walked into their tent, and killed both of them, making sure he stabbed Cozbi through the stomach just in case she was pregnant. Of course this stopped God from killing random bystanders, but not before 24,000 of them died.  --  I learned in church the reason Zimri and Cozbi had to die to stop the plague was because they were committing adultery. It turns out that was about 2,000% bullshit. Nowhere in the biblical account is adultery mentioned. They totally had to die because Cozbi was from a different cultural background: God is such a racist bastard.  --

After God called off his bacteria that had been killing the Israelites he had a little chat with Moses: “Well, you’re sure lucky that Phinehas killed Zimri and Cozbi; otherwise I was going to completely wipe out the Hebrew race. Now you’re going to have to make war against the Midianites and wipe them off the face of the earth because it’s totally their fault I had to kill so many of my people using plague.”

When I read these stories, I can’t help but think it’s usually much better to not be part of God’s chosen people. It seems the more attention God gives you, the greater his need to fuck with you.

Ref: Numbers 25

Moses’ Wife Saves the Day – Even God doesn’t let angry women with sharp rocks near his junk

I'm Extracting the Gems

So Moses is living as a shepherd in Midean, and one day God shows up and tells Moses he has to get over to Egypt and convince Pharaoh to let the Israelites move away. Moses isn’t cool with this at first because he is convinced that Pharaoh is WAY tougher than God; also, Moses is on the run from the Egyptian police who are after him on charges of aggravated assault and homicide.

God spends some time convincing Moses that He is actually tougher than Pharaoh and reassures Moses than due to an unusually high turnover rate in the Egyptian police department, nobody works there anymore that remembers Moses’ criminal past. So Moses goes and asks his father-in-law (Jethro) permission to head over to Egypt so he can do what the magic voice tells him.

Jethro says it’s ok, so Moses takes his wife (Zipporah) and son and they head off toward Egypt. On the way they stop at an inn and for some reason that I don’t understand, God meets Moses at the inn and tries to kill him. Zipporah notices that God is trying to kill Moses, so she grabs a sharp rock and cuts the foreskin off her son’s penis (like you do when God tries to kill your husband). Zipporah throws the foreskin on the ground by Moses’ feet and says, “Surely a bloody husband art thou to me.”

God is pretty busy trying to kill Moses but he still manages to notice there is a genital mutilation party going down in the inn, and books it straight out of there before Zipporah gets any more ideas. Once God is safely out of the picture, Zipporah apologizes to Moses for calling him a bloody husband and explains it was because she had to use a rock to cut up her son’s penis.

Hurray for Zipporah who managed to stop God from killing her husband so he was still able to do God’s chores.

Ref: Exodus 4:1-26