Balaam Gets Jerked Around by God – How doing what God says gets you killed

Doing my part to spread the Good Word

After the Hebrews left Egypt they started to move toward the land promised by God to Abraham’s descendents. Along the way they destroyed all the civilizations they came across. Now the king of Moab noticed the approach of the blood-thirsty people of God and figured his kingdom was next. Fortunately he knew a skilled wizard named Balaam. He sent some messengers to Balaam with gifts and a request that Balaam curse the Hebrews so they would lose in battle and NOT commit genocide against the Moabites.

After the messengers talked with Balaam, God showed up to put in his two cents. He said, “Hey man. You can’t go cursing my chosen people. You best just be stayin’ at home.” So Balaam is a good little boy and does what God says. After the King of Moab hears about Balaam’s refusal to curse the Hebrews he sends more messengers with more presents. This time when God shows up he says, “Alright man, I guess you should go with the Moabites, but you better not do what they ask. You just better do what I say instead.”

So Balaam gets on his Donkey and starts on his trip. Somehow God must have forgotten that He told Balaam to go because He gets MAD and sends an invisible angel to stop Balaam. Fortunately, Balaam’s donkey is special and can see invisible angels so when the angel blocks the path the donkey won’t walk. Balaam doesn’t know what’s going on so he hits the donkey. The donkey doesn’t think this is very fair so he STARTS TALKING. The donkey says, “Whoa man. Whacha be hittin’ me for?” Of course Balaam doesn’t think it’s weird at all to have a conversation with a donkey so he responds, “Because thou hast mocked me: I would there were a sword in mine hand, for now would I kill thee.” The donkey then says, “Hey now, you know I be a good donkey. I’ve like, never disrespected you before.”

Then God makes it so Balaam can see the angel who says, “Yo, Balaam it’s not nice to hit donkeys, oh and, by the way; God’s mad at you for doing what he told you to do last night.” Balaam doesn’t want God mad at him so he starts to head home. The angel stops him and says, “Ok Balaam. The thing is, now God wants you to go with the Moabites again. Just make sure you do what God tells you at the opportune moment.”

When that moment arrived Balaam was a good boy and blessed the Israelites instead of cursing them. This super awesome blessing from a hedge wizard who talks with God made it so the Israelites could then wipe out all the kingdoms in the region with impunity. Of course Balaam received an appropriate reward for his part in helping God’s people commit genocide. They killed him too.

Ref: Numbers 22 and Numbers 31:8