Deborah and Jael – When the Women start the killin’

Now tell me again; why can’t they get equal pay for equal work?

Predictably, the Israelites weren’t doing what God wanted again, so of course he sold them (yes, sold them) to Jabin, the King of Canaan. After twenty years of enslavement to the Canaanites some of the Israeli leaders tracked down the prophet of Jehovah for help. At that time the prophet was a highly capable woman named Deborah. Deborah was perfectly happy to help and sent for Barak, the leader of the Israelite armies and said, “Listen jackass. God says you need to take your little army to Mount Tabor so God can make Sisera, the leader of Jabin’s army, go down to the river so you can eradicate his Army.”

Barak didn’t think a woman should talk to him like that so he replied,” Ok, Little Debbie, I may like your Oatmeal Creme Pies but I still don’t trust you. I’m not going anywhere God orders me unless you go too.”

Little Debbie doesn’t have a problem with tagging along. She just needs to say one more thing: “Ok, I’ll go. You just need to know that no matter what you do, you’re not getting’ any of the cred for this little operation. God’s gonna make sure that something called a WOMAN is gonna take out Sisera. Choke on it sucker!”

Everything went down just as Deborah predicted. Once Barak got his army to Mount Tabor, Sisera showed up with his army and Barak’s troops were able to wipe the floor with Sisera’s boys. When Sisera saw how badly his ass was being beaten he booked it out of there. He ran until he made it to the tent of Jael, the wife of Heber the Kenite. He figured that was a safe bet because Heber was friendly with King Jabin.

Jael came out of the tent when she saw Sisera coming and told him to hide in the tent. Jael gave Sisera a cup of warm milk and tucked him into bed where he fell right asleep on account of his being tired from running so far. Jael then went outside and pulled up a giant tent stake. She walked into the tent, grabbed a hammer and drove the FUCKING GIANT SPIKE into Sisera’s skull. Of course blood starts spurting everywhere, making a huge mess and getting all over Jael. So when Barak shows up this blood-covered woman walks out of the tent and calmly says, “Hey jackass, you know that guy you were chasing? He’s in here. Kindly remove him so I can get this shit cleaned up.”

Ref: Judges 4