Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10

Jesus + water = wine: keeping your priorities straight

This makes me wonder if Jesus + turd = gold nugget

Jesus’ mother Mary was on the Volunteer Special Event Planning Committee of her local congregation, so when one of the young women of the congregation got married Mary ended up doing a big chunk of the planning. Now, you need to understand that when God was rolling Mary’s character he rolled an eight in intelligence, a five in wisdom, and a charisma of 20. This meant Mary could make a really poor decisions like those that led to her getting knocked up by the toothless assistant swine-herd AFTER she was engaged to Joseph, but have the charisma to claim she was still a virgin and pull it off.

This also meant that she only ordered about 1/5^th of the wine a wedding party normally uses. Once the wine ran out she ran off to find Jesus and said, “Jesus, they ran out of wine at the party. Fix it; pretty please?” Jesus didn’t like being used like a convenience store so he said, “Listen Woman. I have nothing to do with you. Besides, I don’t want to start doing public magic yet!”

Mary had known Jesus for a long time so she was used to his disrespectful language and reluctance to help out, but she also knew he would always succumb to social pressure so she said, “Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just go tell everyone that Jesus decided they don’t need any more wine.” Then she whispered to the slaves helping with the party, “Ok, now just do whatever he tells you, even if it seems crazy.”

Jesus knew he was trapped now, so he said, “Fine!” folded his arms, stomped his left food on the ground, pouted just a little, and then called over the slaves. He told them to fill the waterpots with water and take them to the Wedding Planner (WP). Then the WP tasted the water, which was now wine, and called over the groom for a little chat. The WP slapped the groom on the back of the head and said, “Hey, what gives man? I told you yesterday you’re supposed to serve the good wine FIRST, then after everyone is drunk you serve the crappy stuff. You’ve done the exact opposite here, saving the best stuff ‘till now!”

Moral: when Jesus makes wine, He makes really good wine.

Ref: John 2:1-10

Isaiah and Women – DON’T TAKE SMALL STEPS!

Here is yet another biblical foundation for misogyny

One day when Jehovah was ranting about the state of the world to his prophet Isaiah he got onto the topic of women. He went on for nine verses, an unusually long time for Jehovah to stay on the same topic while speaking. He said:

The Jewish women stand up straight and walk taking small steps. This is Intolerable!  Because they do this I will make huge scabs grow on top of their heads and I will expose their private parts!

I will take away their ankle bracelets, hair nets, and earrings. I won’t stop there either. I will take all their jewelry and fancy clothes. Fuck it; I’ll just take all their clothes.

I will make them stink, I’ll make their hair fall out, make them wear burlap rags, and burn them with the mark of slavery! That should teach them!

Moral: If you are a woman and are considering good posture or taking small steps, watch out! You REALLY don’t want Jehovah to catch you taking small steps.

Ref: Isaiah 3:16-26

Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

The Númenóreans and the Tower of Babel – Proof that Tolkien is better than the nameless hack that wrote the bible

Not all fiction is equal

For those who are weak in Tolkien lore I have prepared this brief summary of the history of Númenor.

Once there was this half-elven guy named Eärendil who was a great hero of Middle Earth. He was so awesome that Manwë, king of the Valar (demi-gods of Middle Earth) said he and his part elven children could decide if they wanted to be elvish or manish. One of his sons, Elrond (you you may remember from The Lord of the Rings), decided to be elvish and his other son, Elros, decided to be manish. Because of his elvish heritage and his awesome dad, he became a special kind of man that lives 300 years. He became the first king of Númenor and his descendents were the Númenóreans, who all live to be 300 years old.

Númenor was this huge island to the West of Middle Earth and after many hundreds of years they became a super powerful kingdom. They also became a super bad kingdom. They decided that not living forever like the elves sucked so they decided to invade the Undying Lands and seize them from the Valar (demi-gods). Then they would be able to live forever. As soon as they landed on the Undying Lands there was this huge cataclysm that completely obliterated the invading fleet and the Undying Lands were removed from the world.

Not all the Númenóreans were bad though. Most of the good ones escaped before this failed invasion and ended up in Middle Earth. Aragorn, who I hope you remember from the films, is one of their descendents. I always thought it was funny he ended up married to Elrond’s daughter Arwen, because she is his first cousin like 30 times removed.

Summary of summary: Númenóreans were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” The gods didn’t like that so they killed the invaders. Also: Aragorn’s relationship with Arwen is naughty.

Now let’s look at the biblical account:

Genesis 11:4 (KJV) And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

Many contemporary writers claim this passage means the people were making the city and the tall tower to keep all the people in one place, rather than scattering across the earth according to Yahweh’s plan.


This explanation doesn’t work for me because I’m convinced a good portion of the Old Testament was ripped off from Tolkien’s writings, as is the bulk of contemporary fantasy (to be fair, Tolkien ripped off a lot of his stuff from other sources too, like Beowulf). I think the humans were tired of God having all the fun so they decided to invade heaven where they could be like gods and live forever. My reading of the Old Testament reinforces this idea. There is never any indication that people go to heaven after they die. There is no eternal reward or punishment mentioned in Genesis. All punishments and rewards from Yahweh are immediate and temporal in nature.

The people in Babel had no idea they had “eternal spirits.” That concept didn’t show up for another few thousand years. It makes sense therefore that they thought the only way to live forever was to actually build a tower to get to heaven.



Tower to Heaven



One day Yahweh wandered down from heaven to visit the people of Earth and while he was there he noticed the city and tower. This kinda freaked him out and he said, “Holy crap! It looks like if all the people live in the same place and speak the same language they can accomplish anything they put their minds to! They might even find a way to take heaven away from me, or live forever, or make an iPad!”

This simply wouldn’t do, so Yahweh confounded their language so they couldn’t talk to each other and scattered them across the planet. Then just to dick with us, he took all the color from the skin and hair of the people he stuck in Europe and gave it to these in Africa. Then he gave the Asians thick eyelids so the white people would make fun of them for having “squinty eyes.”

Biblical summary: Babelians were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” Yahweh didn’t like that so he/she/it scattered the invaders and messed with their language. Also: Yahweh gave Asians thick eyelids.

Ref: Genesis 11:1-9

Paul and headscarves – working tireless to save us from God

I once read a theory that the Neanderthals were Nephilim because they no longer exist and they were bigger than the Homo Sapiens.

When the artist formerly known as Saul (Paul) was writing to the saints living in Corinth he gave one of his most important instructions. He said to make sure the women keep their heads covered because of the angels. You see, he knew all about the sordid past between God’s angels and the daughters of men.

Back before the flood women used to run around with their heads uncovered, and the angels were able to see how beautiful they were. Many of these angels chose to fall from heaven and live among these women. They had sex with them and made great big babies. In fact, I suspect the artist formerly known as Saul may have been on the writing staff for the 1998 movie City of Angels. In this film we learn Nicholas Cage was working as an Angel for Jehovah when he noticed Meg Ryan. Meg didn’t follow the instruction from the artist formerly known as Saul to keep her head covered and Nick fell from heaven to be able to partake of her hotness. Luckily for us, Meg Ryan died before they could make a baby.

It’s the babies that are the problem. They are known as the Nephilim: fallen ones of both heaven and earth. They are big, strong, and mean. In Noah’s time there got to be so many Nephilim that Jehovah couldn’t think of any way to get rid of them other than flooding the Earth, so God had Noah build an arc and you know the rest (if not, Google Noah and the Arc).

So any time you think it’s old fashioned to keep your women covered, or a violation of their rights; remember what the artist formerly known as Saul taught us. If angels can see the women’s faces, they will fall from heaven to make babies with them and Jehovah will be forced to flood the earth again to kill all the Nephilim.

And I say these things in the name of cheese and rice, amen!

Ref: 1 Corinthians 10:11 and Genesis 6:2-4

Samuel and the Witch of Endor – Who needs a living prophet if you have a witch who can talk to dead ones?

I think the papal conclave should use a witch to decide who gets to be the next pope. It seems to deliver pretty good results.

After the prophet Samuel died King Saul was unable to get any instruction from Jehovah. He tried other prophets, dreaming, praying, and the Urim and Thummim but nothing worked. He had a big battle with the Philistines coming up and he really wanted some sort of magical guidance so he asked one of his servants to find a witch he could ask. The servant said, “I’m not sure there are any, I mean you had all the witches and wizards kicked out of your kingdom some time ago. I’ll do some asking around and get back to you though.”

After a little research the servant returned and said, “Ok, it turns out there is a witch of Endor that may be able to help.” This didn’t sound right to King Saul who asked, “Endor, really? You mean the inhabitable forest moon of Endor where the Ewoks live? Where Han and Leah finally accept their love for each other? And just how do you propose we get there?”

The servant answered, “No sir. You misunderstand. Endor is ALSO the name of a village in Canaan. The Witch of Endor lives in that village, not in a galaxy far, far away.” After about a minute Saul’s brain was able to sort through these conflicting ideas and he said, “Oh, OK. I guess I’ve watched Return of the Jedi too many times. I mean, that was my favorite Star Wars movie. The forest scenes were great. The final space battle where the second death star was destroyed was cinematically spectacular and I really liked how the theme of Anakin Skywalker’s redemption emerged toward the end. I mean, I’ve always been a huge fan of death-bed repentance.


Scene from Return of the Jedi

So King Saul put on a disguise and went to visit the Witch of Endor. When he asked her to call up the Samuel’s spirit so they could chat the witch was skeptical at first. She said, “Now you know the King kicked out all the witches and wizards, right? What are you trying to do, get me killed?” So Saul swore that as long as Jehovah was alive, the witch would not be punished for working magic.

The witch was convinced so she called up Samuel, but as soon as he appeared the witch kinda freaked out a little bit and said, “Oh hell no! YOU are Saul? You’re the king that’s been trying so hard to put me in an unemployment line? Why have you deceived me, and where do you get off; coming to ask ME for help after the evil you’ve done to witches and wizards everywhere?”


Saul and the Witch of Endor by Salvator Rosa 1668
© RMN, Musée du Louvre / Daniel Arnaudet

 Saul still wanted answers so he said, “Be not afraid. Just tell me what you see.” The woman said unto Saul, “An old man cometh up; and he is covered with a mantle.” This description was plenty good enough for Saul who then bowed down before the apparition.

The magic vision of Samuel then spoke to Saul; saying, “Why have you disturbed my slumber, hmmmm?” Saul explained that he couldn’t get any feedback from Jehovah about the upcoming battle. Then Samuel said, “That’s because God doesn’t like you anymore. He wants David to be King now so he is going to make your armies lose tomorrow and you will die. Then all your sons will die too just so there’s no trouble with the succession later.”

Saul was really upset so he had to lie down for a while. Then the witch fed him and sent him on his way.

Moral: if Jehovah doesn’t like you, getting help from a witch isn’t going to do you much good.

Ref: 1 Samuel 28

Jesus and the Adulteress - A novel approach to problem solving

"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

So one morning Jesus wandered down to the temple to do some teaching. After he’d been there a while a group of religious types brought a woman to see him. They said, “This skank was totally screwing some guy she wasn’t married to and we caught her in the act. As you should know Moses told us that Jehovah commands we stone her. What do you think?”

Jesus said, “What, really? So how long did you watch before you grabbed her? Did you at least let her lover finish? I mean seriously. Did you just happen to walk in on them doing it, or did someone tell you there was a free show in Jeshue’s house? Anyway, you losers aren’t worth my time so I’m just gonna ignore you now and draw pictures of hoo-haws in the dirt.”

After an uncomfortable silence one of the religious guys said, “Look, I get you have a LOT on your mind but I really am going to need some kind of answer from you on this.” So Jesus finally looked up and said, “Look, I know you guys were enjoying the show and I’m pretty sure you’ve heard me say stuff like, ‘He who looks at a woman with lust for her has already committed adultery in his heart’ so go ahead. Whoever here has no sin, let him throw the first stone.” Then Jesus went back to drawing his dirty pictures.

Well, the pervy old guys felt pretty bad about desperately wishing it was them screwing the adulteress instead of Jeshue, so they slowly started to leave until only Jesus and the woman were left at the temple. When Jesus finished his drawing he looked up and said, “Woman, where are you accusers?” The woman answered, “They all took off, leaving me here with you all alone, and I am so grateful that you stopped them from throwing rocks at me until I died.”

Jesus then said, “Sweet deal. Just remember to be careful to not get caught next time."

Ref: John 8:1-11

Reference for drawing female genitalia in the dirt: http://www.luciferianliberationfront.org/sf.html

Naboth is killed – Always sell your vineyard when the king asks

This is my very first original Limerick. The metering seems off in the fifth line but I’m not able to get it right.

Naboth was a Jezreelite diehard
Whose father had left him a vinyard
The king wanted it
And thought it was fit
To kill poor Naboth without regard

Naboth had this vineyard see. It had been in his family for generations and it was all he got from his father when he died. Ahab the king of Israel was his next door neighbor and wanted the vineyard so he would have a place for an herb garden. Ahab went to have a chat with Naboth about the situation. Ahab was even really reasonable and offered to either give Naboth a better vineyard or pay its value in cash.

This didn’t work for Naboth who said, “Sorry, I can’t do it. Jehovah won’t let me sell my ancestral vineyard.” Poor Ahab was really sad he couldn’t get the land to grow herbs so he went home, lay on his bed and refused to eat. His wife Jezebel was concerned and asked him what was wrong. When Ahab explained the situation Jezebel launched into a tirade. She said, “What the hell man? Seriously? You are the mother-fucking king of Israel. If you want a god-damn vineyard you had damn well better get it! Now don’t you worry about a thing. I will personally make sure you get that land.”

So Jezebel sent letters to all the rich people in town telling them the king wanted them to have a big party and place Naboth in the seat on honor. Then, on the day of the party she bribed to men to publically accuse Naboth of blasphemy against God and the king. Because the Israelites were hardcore they immediately dragged Naboth outside of the city and threw rocks at him until he died. When Jezebel told Ahab that Naboth was dead, Ahab got super excited and ran right over to the vineyard to take possession of it.

Now everything was fine and dandy. That is, until Jehovah told his prophet Elijah about the situation. Elijah didn’t think it was cool to have someone killed under false pretenses so you can plant an herb garden. He told Ahab and Jezebel they were definitely going to have to die. In fact, God was going to make sure that when Ahab died dogs would lick up his blood and Jezebel would be eaten by dogs.

Apparently this sounded really bad so Ahab ripped his clothes and prayed and fasted a whole bunch. Jehovah was so excited about the attention he was getting from Ahab he decided that he wouldn’t cause any trouble for Ahab and Jezebel while they were alive. Instead he would punish their children.

Moral: don’t kill people to get their stuff or Jehovah will punish your children after you die.

Ref: 1 Kings 21