Merry Christmas Part 1 – The really confusing story of how Mary got knocked up

This is going to be really offensive to fans of Mary and the virgin birth

It’s pretty common knowledge that Christians believe Mary was made pregnant through the power of God and gave birth to Jesus as a virgin. However, the scriptural accounts are not really that clear if you know what to look for. The account in the Gospel According to St. Matthew says that while Mary was engaged to Joseph people discovered she had been knocked up by “The Holy Spirit.” The Gospel according to St. Luke says that the “power” of God would “rest upon” Mary and she would become pregnant.

I see two possible explanations for these accounts.

First: Several times in the New Testament, God is referred to as the Holy Spirit. Also the phallus has been a symbol of power since people first understood symbolism. This symbolism was MUCH more powerful 2,000 years ago than it is now of course. So then; God got Mary pregnant after she was engaged to Joseph by holding her down (resting upon her) and using his power (phallus).

Second: Mary got pregnant through more conventional means and the child was made holy (magical) through the Holy Spirit which “rested” upon Mary.

According to the American Heritage Medical Dictionary rape is “the crime of forcing another person to submit to sex acts, especially sexual intercourse.” Because Mary acted surprised when she figured out she was pregnant I highly doubt she gave the almighty permission to impregnate her. Did Jehovah rape his mother so he could be born in the flesh? I think not. That’s why I’m more inclined to believe the second possibility is the correct one.

Here’s how I see it happening: Mary had her first period and told her mom. Mom got super excited because it meant Mary was old enough to be sold to a suitor. Mom and Dad were short on cash and Mary was super hot so they figured they could find someone with boatloads of cash. After a sort search they figured out all the really rich dudes were already married or tied up by previous arrangements. Fortunately there was this older carpenter in town who had been saving up for a hot virgin bride since he was a kid. He was the only one with the cash so Mary’s parents made the deal.

When Mary’s parents told her she was engaged to this old guy Joseph she got pretty upset. This is pretty understandable, after all she had just barely turned 13 and Joseph didn’t have all his teeth anymore and didn’t really wash up that often. Oh, and his hands were really calloused and rough looking. In any case, Mary stormed out of the house and went to her friend Sarah’s house. They broke into Sarah’s parents’ liquor cabinet and got pretty smashed before Mary got it into her head that she didn’t want her first time to be with Mr. Smelly McRoughHands. To take care of this problem she crawled into Sarah’s older brother’s bed (for whom she’s always had a little crush) shortly before dawn. Older brother was more than happy to take care of Mary’s need and after he finished up Mary had this vision where an angel came to her and said, “Behold, thou shalt conceive in thy womb, and bring forth a son, and shalt call his name Jesus. The power of God will overpower your womb and the holy thing which shall be born of thee shall be called the Son of God.”

When Joseph noticed that Mary was pregnant before their wedding day he was pretty upset so Mary lied and told him that although she was pregnant, she like, totally never had sex. She spontaneously got pregnant with Jehovah’s baby. Joseph didn’t really believe Mary; after all he wasn’t TOTALLY retarded. He’d already made the down payment to Mary’s parents though. So he decided that in light of everything, Mary was still hot enough to warrant continuing with the purchase.

Ref: Matthew 1:18, Luke 1:31 & Luke 1:35