David and Bathsheba – A tale of shame and disgrace for God’s chosen king

When God “gives” a man hundreds of wives and concubines with whom can have sex whenever he wants (because spousal rape is as old as marriage), he apparently starts to crave variety.

This tale starts with at “the time when kings go forth to battle.” That’s right; the bible actually defined a time of year for making battle. Apparently this is just after the New Year begins. I don’t know if the weather was better for war at that time of year, or our biblical predecessors had defined specific months for peace or war, or what. Anyway, it seems weird to me.

It just so happens that one particular year King David didn’t go to war with his buddies. Instead he stayed home for the bird watching season. Late one night when he was on his roof looking for “birds” he spotted a particularly attractive woman outside bathing in the moonlight. I imagine that was exactly like when Gilthanas caught Silvara bathing in Dragons of Winter Night. Well, except Silvara and Gilthanas were decent people/creatures and Bathsheba wasn’t a silver dragon posing as an elf.



"Water Maiden" by John E Kaufman

 In any case, King David was a filthy bastard ass-face piece of shit. So Ass-Face asked a servant who the hot chick was and learned she was Uriah’s wife. Well, Ass-Face didn’t give a flying fuck about anyone else so he sent some of his people to collect her. They brought Bathsheba to Ass-Face’s room and “he lay with her.” Of course the bible doesn’t say the king had this poor woman dragged from her bath to his room where he raped her repeatedly, but I can’t possible imagine it happening any other way. King Ass-Face was just that classy of a guy.

It wasn’t too long before Bathsheba learned the rape resulted in pregnancy. There was no abortion for rape victims in those days and Bathsheba was terrified her husband would have her stoned for getting pregnant without his help, as any woman who stepped out on her husband was put to death. She informed Ass-Face of the problem. He didn’t want the embarrassment that would come if word got out he was impregnating other men’s wives, so he came up with a plan to keep Uriah from letting the world know of his affinity for raping married women.

Ass-Face sent orders for Uriah to return home from battle for a brief vacation in the hope that Uriah would have sex with Bathsheba and wouldn’t notice the baby was born a little too early to be his. This plan didn’t work though. It turned out that Uriah was such a stand up guy that he refused to enter his home and partake of any special comforts while his boys were still out on the front lines. Ass-Face tried for several days to get Uriah to make a booty call, but eventually gave up and sent Uriah back to war with a message for his commander. The letter Uriah carried had very specific instructions on how Uriah should be utilized in combat to ensure his death.

After Uriah was safely dead Bathsheba was extremely distraught and mourned bitterly. I feel so incredibly bad for Bathsheba. Not only was she raped by King Ass-Face, her husband was executed so he wouldn’t cry foul concerning the King’s raping ways. Even worse, Bathsheba was forced into a marriage with Ass-Face and bore him a son.

Note: This story really, really makes me mad. King David was such a horrible, horrible person and has been revered for many centuries as a righteous and successful king of Israel for his influence/longevity and his ability to apply sufficient violence to keep the Philistines in check while expanding the borders of his kingdom.

Ref: 2 Samuel 11