Jesus’ Garment – Supernatural Conductor of Virtue

We could really use Jesus’ clothes in a children’s cancer ward. I’m just sayin’ . . .

Once upon a time, there was a woman who lived in the Middle East who suffered from a rather unpleasant affliction. She bled, like, all the time. She’d bled steadily for twelve years. I used to think that she’d either been menstruating for 12 years or had a particularly nasty STD; but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Either way, she was in bad shape and was probably severely iron deficient.

Well after 12 years of suffering, she heard of some crazy rabble rouser named Jesus that did all sorts of nifty magical stuff. When she saw him walking with his apostles through a huge crowd on his way to bring some poor, dead virgin back to life, she sprang into action. After pushing desperately through a crowd, she managed to touch Jesus’ clothing and was instantly healed.

Jesus immediately stopped after the touch and said, “Who touched me?” Nobody fessed up and Jesus’ poor, confused apostles said, “What you do mean, ‘Who touched me?’ You are surrounded by tons of people and most of them have bumped or jostled you at some point during our walk.” Jesus was in a generous mood, so he explained: “I know somebody touched me, because I could feel virtue leaving me.”

Ok, that explains how Jesus knew about the touch, but it leaves me with some important questions. Did Jesus have some limited amount of magic virtue he could use during his life and he only died after it ran out? Did Jesus not have any control over when and how the virtue was used? Did virtue transfer require physical contact? If so, was some other source of magical power used to perform miracles when no direct contact occurred? Is virtue the name of power specifically allocated to fix persistent bleeding, or can it be used for all sorts of things?

Once the now healed woman knew that Jesus had a supernatural way to tell what she did and who she was, she got really scared. She started trembling violently and fell down on the ground at Jesus’ feet and declared to the entire crowd her blood story and why she’d taken virtue without permission. Jesus loved groveling, and felt a little guilty about the poor woman sharing her blood story with the crowd, which was probably pretty embarrassing. Therefore, he just said, “Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.”

Moral: magic is awesome!

Ref: Matthew 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34, Luke 8:43-48

Note: This whole thing is weird to me because we were just told that the virtue healed her, not her faith. Does virture transfer also require faith to work? How can someone be brought back to life if faith is required? Do they still have faith after they die?

Cake made a great song that appears to draw at least some inspiration from this story called, “Hem of Your Garment.”

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment

I have no love but only goals
How very empty is my soul
It is a soul that feels no thrill
A soul that could easily kill
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

I am intrinsically no good
I have a heart that's made of wood
I am only biding time
Only reciting memorized lines
And I'm not fit to touch
The hem of your garment

No, no I'm not fit to touch the hem of your garment
The hem of your garment


Lyrics taken from www.azlyrics.com