Rape in the Last Days – Everything is bigger in the Last Days

I try not to judge. I also try to not think too much about terrible things.

In the “Last Days,” Jehovah will gather ALL the nations of Earth to Jerusalem where they will have a huge battle.

The cities will be overrun,

the houses will be looted,

and the women will be raped.

You may be inclined to think Jehovah is all about enabling rape, since mass rape on an unimaginable scale will be caused by Jehovah’s gathering of the people.

Yes, you may feel that way.

Ref: Zechariah 14:1-2

Ezra Cleans House – Kicking impure bitches to the curb

Never yield to the temptation of interracial relationships

In the first year of Cyprus, king of Persia, Jehovah manipulated Cyprus into decreeing that the Hebrews were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple. This was great news and the prophet Ezra led everyone back to Jerusalem where they were counted, then spent a bunch of time praying and fasting and such.

Once all this stuff was taken care of, the local princes went to Ezra with a disturbing report. They said something like: um, you know how not absolutely everyone was taken away to live in Persia? Well, the people who stayed here kinda, mingled with the locals. Yeah they’ve been taking wives from the non-holy races and mixing their holy sperm with those impure women. They’re making babies with them! It’s totally interracial! They are even worshiping the local gods instead of the great Jehovah.

As you would expect, as soon as Ezra heard the terrible news, he tore his clothes, ripped out his beard, ripped out the hair on his head, and sat down; completely astonished.

Ezra sat on the ground all day, overcome with astonishment. When the time for the evening sacrifice rolled around, Ezra finally stood up. He then launched into a moving speach about how awful the local population was: how sinful and wicked, naughty and  . . . well, bad; just bad – iniquitous even.

After Ezra wrapped up his monologue, a huge group of people gathered around him; men, women, and children. One of the men spoke up and said, “. . . We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law (Ezra 10:2-3, KJV).”

This whole idea of kicking everyone of “impure” blood out of the community appealed to Ezra so he send out word that everyone of Hebrew ancestry needed to gather at Jerusalem. Once everyone was together, Ezra explained how all the “impure” women and the half-breed children needed to be cast out of the community so they could live according to Gods will again. Everyone was moved by the spirit of the Lord so when Ezra said, “Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives (Ezra 10:11, KJV).”  The men all answered and said, “As thou hast said, so must we do (Ezra 10:12, KJV).”

Because there were so many non-Hebrew women and mongrel children, it took three and a half months to identify and kick them all to the curb and for every offending man to kill a ram by way of apology.

However, after all those weeks of righteous toil, the impurities were finally removed and the Kingdom of Israel was once again pure in the eyes of God.

Moral: Just because God’s prophet is living in another city, it doesn’t mean you can go chasing tail among the local population.

Ref: Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10

Christmas - Celebrating unexplained pregnancy

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

This is Mary. Mary is 14 years old and is very pretty. Mary goes to St. Joseph and St. Phillip’s Middle School in West Vermont.

Mary doesn’t like school though.

Mary likes to party with the High School kids.

Mary has conservative religious parents who worry about her grades and her choices in friends.

Mary’s parents decide the best thing to do is merry her off to a respectable older man named José.

One day José noticed that Mary was unmistakably pregnant. Mary said it was ok though because she was still a virgin.

José didn’t believe Mary and was upset. He went to talk with Mary’s parents.

Mary’s parents said that Mary would never tell a lie, and that she must have been magically made pregnant by God or something like that.

José and Mary got married in secret so people would think it was José that helped Mary get pregnant.

Eventually Mary gave birth. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. But several decades later, someone wrote that the baby was magic. Perhaps Mary didn’t get pregnant at a drinking party. Perhaps Mary’s parents were right, and Mary was a virgin. Perhaps . . .

Of course Mary wasn’t really that into being a mom, so she hired a nanny and took a job as a “party planner.”

Merry Christmas!

Hosea and Gomer – A refreshing blend of prophet and whoredom

Would you be upset if God called your wife a whore?

Hosea had a very special relationship with Jehovah. They used to chat all the time, take long walks on the beach, and plan for the future. One day Jehovah said to Hosea:

Yo!

Like, all them Israelites, they be whoring

themselves out; bowing before another god.

I gots stuff to say, what ain’t not boring

Time for destruction. Get ready to applaud.

Seek out dem whores, and find a fertile girl

It’s time to procreate; make kids from whoredom

Let me give them names. Let’s give it a twirl.

We’ll use them to show the end of the kingdom.

Hosea was a good boy, so he went out and found a pretty little thing that was whoring herself out to other gods. Her name was Gomer, and after Hosea took her from her father Diblaim, she got all pregnant, gave birth to a son, and Jehovah named the kid Jezreel.

Jezreel’s name meant that Jehovah was going to destroy the kingdom of Israel and “break Israel’s bow” in the valley of Jezreel. The second kid, a daughter, was named Lo-ruhamah. This name meant the house of Israel would receive no mercy, but the house of Judah would sorta be OK after a while. Finally, Gomer popped out a second son, who Jehovah named Lo-ammi. Lo-ammi means, “You are not my people, and I will not be your God.”

After all the birthing and naming; things looked pretty bleak for those who practiced whoredoms and those born from whoredoms. Jehovah must have realized this, because he left off with some words of consolation:

Yo!

In the future, the stars will shine bright.

The people of Israel will expand.

You know they’ll outnumber the sand, right?

They’re the children of God, understand?

Whoa, did I hear that right? The people of Israel are the children of God? I thought they were the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob/Israel. Clearly I was wrong, because someone as tight with Jehovah as Hosea wouldn’t lie about something like that. I am just left to wonder if Jehovah was talking about Hosea’s kids and Jehovah was even closer to Hosea and Gomer than I thought. Probably not. Jehovah was probably banging Abraham’s wife Sarah, and that’s how she finally got pregnant with Isaac after all those unfruitful years of intercourse with Abraham. A third option is that Jehovah was having covert sex with ALL the ladies, and everyone was the literal son or daughter of God. That’s a whole lot of incest and a really funny looking family tree.

Of course Jehovah’s legendary fertility could explain the massive population growth among Abraham’s alleged descendants during their time in Egypt.  

Moral: It’s rarely a good thing with God dictates who you marry and how you name your children.

Ref: Hosea 1:1-11

Josiah Sacrifices the Pagan Priests – A cumulative tale

Special thanks to “This is the House that Jack Built”

This is the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Jeroboam that promised death

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

__________________________________________________

These are the priests, who love pagan rites,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

These are the police that captured the priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Josiah, the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is a priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

These are the bones, hard and white,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

This is Jehovah, completely sated,

by the fire that burned the bones,

removed with the knife, incredibly sharp,

that sliced the priest, upon the altar,

placed there by Josiah the righteous king

who took from the police the captured priests,

destined for death, promised by Jeroboam

upon the altar that angered the Lord.

___________________________________________________

Ref: 1 Kings 13:1-2 & 2 Kings 23:20-25

1 Kings 13:1-2

1 And, behold, there came a man of God out of Judah by the word of the Lord unto Beth-el: and Jeroboam stood by the altar to burn incense.

 2 And he cried against the altar in the word of the Lord, and said, O altar, altar, thus saith the Lord; Behold, a child shall be born unto the house of David, Josiah by name; and upon thee shall he offer the priests of the high places that burn incense upon thee, and men’s bones shall be burnt upon thee.

2 Kings 23:20-25

20 And he slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them, and returned to Jerusalem.

24 ¶Moreover the workers with familiar spirits, and the wizards, and the images, and the idols, and all the abominations that were spied in the land of Judah and in Jerusalem, did Josiah put away, that he might perform the words of the law which were written in the book that Hilkiah the priest found in the house of the Lord.

 25 And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the Lord with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there any like him.

Slavery and Marriage – God addresses the legality of slavery

Jehovah doesn’t like it when people don’t follow the rules for slave ownership

Slavery was common among the Lord’s chosen people back when they actually followed the laws recorded in the bible. Nowadays everyone ignores most of the God’s laws so there is no more official slavery practiced in the Western world. Of course human trafficking is alive and well, primarily in the sex trade, but it no longer has any official government sanction.

When African slavery was practiced in the United States, the children of slaves always belonged to whoever owned the parents. Jehovah doesn’t think it should be that simple, that’s why God’s One True Slavery is clearly explained in the bible.

Whenever a Hebrew buys a Hebrew male as a slave, that slave automatically goes free after six years. Female Hebrew slaves are never released. Once you buy a female Hebrew, she’s yours until she dies or you sell her. If you buy a male Hebrew who is already married, you get the wife too, but after six years she and her children get released with the husband.

Let’s say that one day I decide I need some extra help in my winery; logically, I go down to the slave market to buy someone. I end up buying Stevinski. Stevinski is a 19 year-old bachelor. He was put up for sale because he borrowed money from a certain Mr. Loan Shark to bet on the New York Giants. When the Giants lost, Mr. Loan Shark went to the local authorities and had Stevinshi arrested for not paying back the debt. Mr. Loan Shark then had Stevinski sold to recover his money.

Fortunately for me, Stevinski is an excellent slave and does really good work in the winery. To reward Stevinsky I give him Paulette as a wife. Paulette is a fifteen-year-old slave I bought three years earlier from her father who needed some extra money to refurbish his house boat. Because there is no law requiring the eventual release of female slaves, I have no reason to not use Paulette this way.

Over the next four years, Stevinski and Paulette have two kids. Because Paulette is my slave, and not a wife who came into my service with Stevinski, the kids belong to me. The sixth year of Stevinski’s slavery ends and I tell him he’s free to go, but in accordance with God’s law, Paulette and the kids are staying with me.

Stevinski has the option to leave, but he decides that he loves his wife and children enough to stay a slave so they are not separated. Then I have to take Stevinski to the courthouse and he swears to a judge that he wants to remain a slave forever so he can stay with his wife and kids. Then I stab his ear with an awl to mark him as a permanent slave and he keeps working in my winery. He and Paulette have four more children, who also belong to me, and I end up with eight slaves for the price of two.

Moral: God wants Paulette and her children to belong to me for life, all so Paulette’s dad can get some extra cash.

Ref: Exodus 21:1-6