Would you be upset if God called your wife a whore?
Hosea had a very special relationship with Jehovah. They used to chat all the time, take long walks on the beach, and plan for the future. One day Jehovah said to Hosea:
Yo!
Like, all them Israelites, they be whoring
themselves out; bowing before another god.
I gots stuff to say, what ain’t not boring
Time for destruction. Get ready to applaud.
Seek out dem whores, and find a fertile girl
It’s time to procreate; make kids from whoredom
Let me give them names. Let’s give it a twirl.
We’ll use them to show the end of the kingdom.
Hosea was a good boy, so he went out and found a pretty little thing that was whoring herself out to other gods. Her name was Gomer, and after Hosea took her from her father Diblaim, she got all pregnant, gave birth to a son, and Jehovah named the kid Jezreel.
Jezreel’s name meant that Jehovah was going to destroy the kingdom of Israel and “break Israel’s bow” in the valley of Jezreel. The second kid, a daughter, was named Lo-ruhamah. This name meant the house of Israel would receive no mercy, but the house of Judah would sorta be OK after a while. Finally, Gomer popped out a second son, who Jehovah named Lo-ammi. Lo-ammi means, “You are not my people, and I will not be your God.”
After all the birthing and naming; things looked pretty bleak for those who practiced whoredoms and those born from whoredoms. Jehovah must have realized this, because he left off with some words of consolation:
Yo!
In the future, the stars will shine bright.
The people of Israel will expand.
You know they’ll outnumber the sand, right?
They’re the children of God, understand?
Whoa, did I hear that right? The people of Israel are the children of God? I thought they were the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob/Israel. Clearly I was wrong, because someone as tight with Jehovah as Hosea wouldn’t lie about something like that. I am just left to wonder if Jehovah was talking about Hosea’s kids and Jehovah was even closer to Hosea and Gomer than I thought. Probably not. Jehovah was probably banging Abraham’s wife Sarah, and that’s how she finally got pregnant with Isaac after all those unfruitful years of intercourse with Abraham. A third option is that Jehovah was having covert sex with ALL the ladies, and everyone was the literal son or daughter of God. That’s a whole lot of incest and a really funny looking family tree.
Of course Jehovah’s legendary fertility could explain the massive population growth among Abraham’s alleged descendants during their time in Egypt.
Moral: It’s rarely a good thing with God dictates who you marry and how you name your children.
Ref: Hosea 1:1-11
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