Moses Gets Laid – Moses Part III

Midianite women are HOT!

After Moses safely escaped from the law and settled in Midian, we went to a well and sat down. Sound strange? Here it is in the language of the King James Version: “Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well” (Exodus 2:15). Yup, the high point of the verse describing Moses’ flight from the punishment for murder is that he sat down by a well in Midian.

While Moses was chilling by the well the seven daughters of Midian’s High Priest Jethro showed up to water their sheep. I’m sure that it never occurred to Moses to figure out what time the pretty little girls showed up at the well every day, and it never occurred to him that he could be there every time to get an eyeful. Moses just wasn’t the kind of guy that likes to perv over little girls; didn’t give murder a second thought, but conveniently run into Jethro’s daughters at the well? Never!

Pervy or not, on this particular day when the girls started to draw water from the well, a bunch of shepherds showed up and drove the little girls away from the well. Moses didn’t like people messing with his little girl/well fetish so once again he drew upon his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz and watered those little girls’ animals himself; and there was nothing a bunch of untrained shepherds could do about it.

When the little girls got home with their animals earlier then Jethro expected he said, “What’s going on? Why are you back so soon?” The little girls told their father about the nice Egyptian that helped them water their animals. Jethro liked the idea of bringing new genetic material into the family so he sent the girls to fetch Moses and invite him to dinner.

 

Moses was thrilled when he learned the High Priest wanted him to spend more time around the pretty girls. He was even more excited when Jethro offered him Zipporah (the post-pubescent one) as a wife, free of charge. This was the best possible outcome for Moses. He was getting a rich father-in-law, a hot young sex partner, and he could still spend his afternoons watching the little girls work.



Iron Maiden: Somewhere in Time



Moses immediately started spending all his free time trying to make a baby with Zipporah and when it eventually worked, he named the kid Gershom, which for some reason commemorates being a “stranger in a strange land.” This is indisputable proof that Iron Maiden is the heavy metal band most preferred by famous murdering prophets of Yahweh. Clearly Moses was inspired by the lyrics to ‘Stranger in a Strange Land.’



Ref: Exodus 2:15-22

Iron Maiden – Stranger in a Strange Land

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
Nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
Discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
They came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Lyrics taken from www.lyricsfreak.com

Meet Super-Ninja Moses – Moses Part II

Silent and deadly, he strikes when an opportunity presents itself.

Moses must have inherited some of his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz from his mother who not only managed keep his birth a secret, but also kept him hidden from the world for three months. Eventually Moses’ mom decided she couldn’t keep him anymore so she put him in a basket and left him floating in the reeds by the side of the river, with his sister Miriam keeping her eye on things.
 

Luckily, one of Pharaoh’s daughters found the basket when she walked down to the river with her personal slaves to wash up. When she saw the cute little boy she immediately recognized him as a Hebrew, but she felt bad for the little guy so she didn’t toss him into the river. She decided to keep him instead, you know, like a pet snake or a frog. Miriam rushed up to the daughter and said, “Hey, do you want me to go fetch a Hebrew wet nurse to feed your new pet?” The daughter agreed and Miriam went and told her mother she could hang around her new son, feed him, and get paid for doing it; sweet deal, right?

Once the boy started getting older and didn’t feel like nursing anymore he was formally adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter who named him Moses. Moses went on to grow up in a wealthy household. He had it so good he probably got his first iPhone when he was in kindergarten and a brand new Lamborghini when he turned sixteen.

 

Aventador LP 720-4 50° Anniversario: image taken from www.lamborghini.com

Once Moses was done growing up, he went out one day to check on some of the other Hebrews. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave, got upset, and went into full ninja mode. First he checked to make sure there were no witnesses. Then he slipped like a gentle breeze through the reeds and across the sand before launching a stealth attack. Because Moses was fully concealed he had a 3d6 sneak attack damage bonus and his opponent lost his dex bonus to AC. Moses rolled a 20, a crit threat with his improvised stone weapon and followed it up with a 14 which easily overcame his opponent’s AC (who wasn’t wearing heavy armor and was highly dependent on his dex bonus) and landed a CRITICAL hit for 2x damage. The poor little Egyptian crumpled like soggy paper and Moses hid the body in the sand.

Moses was really proud of himself until the next day when he decided to stop a fight between two Hebrew slaves. One of the slaves said, “Hey jackass! Since when are you in charge of us? Are you gonna kill me now, like you did the Egyptian yesterday?”

Moses was really concerned the belligerent slave knew about his murdering ways and decided the police would find out soon if they didn’t know already. Moses knew the Egyptian legal system really well and knew that Hebrews always received the death penalty for killing an Egyptian citizen. Moses didn’t like that idea very much so he booked it right out of town. He didn’t stop running until he made it all the way to Midian (modern day Saudi Arabia), probably at least 300 miles. I assume Moses didn’t run the entire stretch in one go. He probably stopped to rest every so often, maybe drink some water; but maybe not. After all, he was a super ninja with m4d sk1lz.

Moral: even super ninjas can get in trouble with the law.

Ref: Exodus 2:1-15

Note: m4d n1nj4 sk1lz = mad ninja skills