Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

John the Baptist – Be careful who you criticize

It turns out that opening your mouth when you could remain silent can cost you your head

Baptism of Christ by Guido Reni

Many people who have the good fortune to know some of the New Testament stories are familiar with Jesus’ second cousin, John the Baptist. Just like Samson, John was a nazarite so he didn’t drink wine or cut his hair. John isn’t famous for being hairy though. He’s famous because he baptized Jesus by having Jesus walk out into a river and then sprinkling water on Jesus’ head.



Here’s the thing though; John was kinda a blabbermouth and just couldn’t keep quiet when King Herod married his brother’s wife and cousin Herodias. John said it was illegal for Herod the take his cousin Herodias for himself because Philip was still alive. As you might imagine, Herodias was upset and convinced Herod to have John thrown into prison. Of course she also wanted John dead, but Herod was worried that because the population at large had a high opinion of John, people would be upset.



Salome by Franz von Stuck

You might think this story is over, but as soon as Herod’s birthday rolled around, Herodias’ daughter Salome danced for Herod. This wasn’t no innocent dance though. Herod’s step-daughter and first-cousin once-removed and niece put on a SHOW! Herod was pleased. Herod was so pleased that as soon as he regained his composure he promised Salome he would give her anything she asked. BINGO! Of course this was the whole reason Herodias had her daughter give Herod a lap-dance. Herodias was still after John’s head.

When Salome told Herod what she wanted most was John the Baptist’s head in a basket, Herod regretted his lust-driven promise because he was still reluctant to have John executed. He had promised though, so he gave the appropriate orders. John’s head was delivered to Salome who then gave it to her mother.

Moral: if you can’t get your husband to do what you want, have your daughter give him a lap-dance.

Ref: Matthew 14:3-11

Giant Animals of Destruction – For the exclusive use of Satan and Saturday morning cartoons

Voltron: Defender of the Universe

Voltron: seen here in both
assembled and disassembled forms



Voltron is the name of a giant fighting robot that protects the galaxy from the forces of evil. Voltron is made up of five giant robot lions/spaceships that are piloted by the Voltron Force. When there is a challenge to galactic safety so great that the five giant robot lions and their pilots can’t solve, they combine into the fighting robot Voltron who always saves the day. Voltron was the subject of an animated TV series that ran in syndication from September 1984 to November 1985.

Remember: giant animal robots fight the forces of evil.

The Revelation of St. John the Divine is located at the end of the New Testament because it deals with vague promises of future events: mostly images of death of destruction prior to the return of the Messiah and the end of the world. Prior to “the end,” in Revelation chapters 12 and 13 John recounts his visions of giant animals.

The Heros of Voltron Force



First John saw a great Dragon fighting against God and His angels in heaven, but the dragon was too weak by itself and was cast down to earth. I can only assume the dragon was fighting to keep God from destroying the Earth and killing its inhabitants. Too bad he hadn’t been watching Voltron: Defender of the Universe because then the poor giant animal would have known that a solo pilot with a giant robot animal can never win alone.

Fortunately, new giant animals arrived on the scene to help. St. John saw them in his vision. He said, “I was standing on the beach when I saw a new giant animal come up out of the sea. It had seven heads and ten horns. It looked like a leopard with bear feet and a lion’s mouth. I saw it converse with the dragon and it was obvious they were friends. Then the leopard-like beast opened its mouth and started saying mean things about God. It said God was going to destroy the Earth and that we all needed to work together to save the planet from God.”

Then St. John saw the third and final Beast: “I saw another beast come up out of the ground. It was super cool and could breathe fire and stuff. It used its powers like the leopard beast to convince people to fight against God.”

The three giant beasts combined together to form the Master of Sky, Earth, and Water (MSEW). For a while it looked like the Earth would be saved but, because this is real life and not some cheesy cartoon MSEW was only able to stave off the destruction of God for 42 months before it lost all its power and was killed.

Moral: It’s nice to want to save people from God, but it just doesn’t work out.

Ref: Revelation 12-13