Moses Makes Things Worse – Moses Part V

‘Bush’ Yahweh is a jerk He deliberately made all those people suffer, just to make a good story.

After Moses got to Egypt he hooked up with his brother Aaron and the two of them went and talked to the elders of Israel. Aaron did the talking of course, and convinced the elders that they were sent by Yahweh to free the people. The elders got super excited and praised the lord and all that.

You may remember from the previous bible story that Yahweh told Moses the slaves would not be freed at first because Yahweh was going to harden Pharaoh’s heart until after all the plagues were finished and Yahweh got to kill Pharaoh’s son. Apparently Moses forgot, because when he went to visit Pharaoh the next day, he was really surprised when Pharaoh didn’t just let everyone go. Instead Pharaoh decided that if the people had time to pray to Yahweh, they weren’t working hard enough. We should probably forgive Moses for forgetting about the whole, “I won’t free the slaves until after I get to do all sorts of cool storybook stuff first.” After all, he was 80 years old at that point.

Pharaoh commanded that the supply of straw to the brick-making slaves stop. To take up some of that free time, the slaves would now be required to gather their own grass and stubble to make the bricks. Of course the number of bricks being produced couldn’t drop to make sure the new initiative would help reduce all that wasteful prayer time.

Moses got mad after the new straw program went into effect and demanded that Yahweh tell him why he was sent to free the slaves if asking just got them more work. “For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” Of course Yahweh had an answer. He went on and on and on about how he was remembering his people and would free them. Seriously, He wouldn’t shut up about it. After several hours of this incredibly repetitive rhetoric Yahweh finally got around to saying, “Just go back to Pharaoh again. This time I’ll help out and tell you what to say.”

Moral: to serve God properly, you must first confront Vader alone. Then, only then, a Jedi will you be.

Ref: Exodus 4:27 – 6:30

The Epic of the Brass Serpent – Giving Jehovah a run for his money

Yeah, snakes are the best.

A long time ago in a desert far, far away . . .

SNAKE
WARS

Episode IV

A NEW HOPE
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel Hebrews, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against the
awesome might of Jehovah.
During the battle, Hebrew spies
managed to steal secrets plans
to Jehovah’s ultimate weapon,
the Fiery Serpent, a flying snake
with enough power to destroy
an entire race. Pursued by
Jehovah’s sinister agents,
Moses races home upon his
camel, custodian of the stolen
plans that can save his people
and restore freedom to the
desert . . .

 

Snake Wars started while the Hebrew people were living in the wilderness; after leaving Egypt, but before wiping out the inhabitants of the “promised land.” Some of the Hebrews started complaining that they didn’t like the desert and they were tired of eating the magic food God was providing for them for free: ungrateful bastards.

If there’s one thing Jehovah simply can’t abide, it’s a whiner. To stop the complaining Jehovah sent his fleet of flying fire snakes into the desert to bite the Hebrews. After a good percentage of the population died from snakebite, the survivors asked Moses to find a way to save Jehovah’s chosen people. In secret Moses planned a daring strike into the heart of heaven to steal the secret plans to the fiery serpent. To discuss strategy, he gathered the members of the Pentaverate: the Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up (google it kids). Finally it was decided the Queen would run a solo mission to get the plans, then Moses would “go long” for a Hail Mary pass.

Now, I’m going to avoid reciting the details of the mission to avoid boring you. Suffice it to say that Moses received the pass and managed to escape on his camel.

Once Moses was back in camp with the plans, construction began immediately on a serpent made from brass to counter the effects of Jehovah’s evil fire snakes. When the Brass Serpent was completed, Moses raised it on a pole so everyone could see it. Once the people of God put their faith in the Brass Serpent instead of God, the poison from the fiery snake bites was purged from their systems and they survived. Through their brave effort, the Hebrew rebels were able to thwart the will of God and prove that nine times out of ten; man-made snakes overpower those made by God.

Ref: Numbers 21:4-8