The Epic of the Brass Serpent – Giving Jehovah a run for his money

Yeah, snakes are the best.

A long time ago in a desert far, far away . . .

SNAKE
WARS

Episode IV

A NEW HOPE
It is a period of civil war.
Rebel Hebrews, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against the
awesome might of Jehovah.
During the battle, Hebrew spies
managed to steal secrets plans
to Jehovah’s ultimate weapon,
the Fiery Serpent, a flying snake
with enough power to destroy
an entire race. Pursued by
Jehovah’s sinister agents,
Moses races home upon his
camel, custodian of the stolen
plans that can save his people
and restore freedom to the
desert . . .

 

Snake Wars started while the Hebrew people were living in the wilderness; after leaving Egypt, but before wiping out the inhabitants of the “promised land.” Some of the Hebrews started complaining that they didn’t like the desert and they were tired of eating the magic food God was providing for them for free: ungrateful bastards.

If there’s one thing Jehovah simply can’t abide, it’s a whiner. To stop the complaining Jehovah sent his fleet of flying fire snakes into the desert to bite the Hebrews. After a good percentage of the population died from snakebite, the survivors asked Moses to find a way to save Jehovah’s chosen people. In secret Moses planned a daring strike into the heart of heaven to steal the secret plans to the fiery serpent. To discuss strategy, he gathered the members of the Pentaverate: the Queen, the Rothchilds, the Gettys, the Vatican, and Colonel Sanders before he went tits up (google it kids). Finally it was decided the Queen would run a solo mission to get the plans, then Moses would “go long” for a Hail Mary pass.

Now, I’m going to avoid reciting the details of the mission to avoid boring you. Suffice it to say that Moses received the pass and managed to escape on his camel.

Once Moses was back in camp with the plans, construction began immediately on a serpent made from brass to counter the effects of Jehovah’s evil fire snakes. When the Brass Serpent was completed, Moses raised it on a pole so everyone could see it. Once the people of God put their faith in the Brass Serpent instead of God, the poison from the fiery snake bites was purged from their systems and they survived. Through their brave effort, the Hebrew rebels were able to thwart the will of God and prove that nine times out of ten; man-made snakes overpower those made by God.

Ref: Numbers 21:4-8