The Invasion Really Gets Going – So much death . . .

 So much death. What can men do against such reckless hate? – King Theoden

After Jericho, Ai, and Beth-el were destroyed, the five kings of the Amorites, the king of Jerusalem, the king of Hebron, the king of Jarmuth, the king of Lachish, and the king of Eglon created a last great alliance to stand against the might of the Hebrew invasion.

In fact, the Last Alliance of Elves and Men was formed in 3430 of the Second Age in response to the threat of conquest by the Dark Lord Joshua. It was the greatest military alliance involving the free peoples of Middle Earth. The Alliance marched on Mordor, intent on the destruction of Barad-dûr itself. When the Alliance reached the gates of Mordor a huge host of orcs poured out to meet them. Some historians say this host of orcs numbered more than a million individuals.

The Last Alliance trying to fight off Joshua's horde of orcs

The Lord of the Rings presented a narrative in which Isuldur used his father’s broken sword to cut off Joshua’s finger, separating Joshua’s soul from the One Ring. Unfortunately this was not the case. What really happened was the destruction of the Last Alliance and the execution of its leaders. Joshua’s host defeated them in a pitched battle, and then Jehovah rained down rocks from heaven to take out the survivors.

After all this death, Joshua and his host went around to all the now undefended city-states who participated in the Alliance and burned them to the ground after slaughtering the woman and children.

Sadly, that still wasn’t the end. After the Alliance failed, the remaining free nations combined what force they had left to protect themselves. Of course that didn’t work either. This time was different though. When Joshua’s host was going around killing everyone and destroying the cities, they kept the riches and cattle for themselves.

Moral: even the Dark Lord Sauron eventually stops destroying wealth.

Ref: Joshua 10 & 11

The Invasion Hits a Snag – Not all is well in Zion

It’s Jehovah’s way to kill a bunch of non-involved people when somebody sins

After wiping Jericho off the face of the Earth, Joshua sent a couple of guys to check out Ai. The spies returned and said, “Um, there’s like nobody in Ai. You should only spend like, two or three thousand guys to eliminate them so not everyone is inconvenienced by the trip.” This sounded good to Joshua so it was done.

Everything was going really well until the people from Ai tried to stop the Hebrews. This totally threw off God’s Warriors who had no experience with actual combat. Naturally they fled and while they were running away the soldiers from Ai managed to kill 36 of them.

When Joshua heard his men had not only run from the enemy, but had also suffered losses of 1.2% he was completely beside himself. He fell down in the dirt and cried all day. Eventually Joshua asked Jehovah why He had bothered to free the Hebrews from Egypt if He was just going to let them all be killed in Palestine! Jehovah was quick to answer saying, “Look, I’m not really trying to kill all of you, but here’s the deal. Someone took some stuff from Jericho after I told you to tell them to not do that.”

Joshua immediately set about trying to rectify the situation. He ordered a survey of every man and every tent to find the offender. Eventually it was determined that a Jew named Achan took a set of clothes and a bunch of money. Joshua told Achan that because he was causing trouble, Jehovah was going to cause him some trouble. Then the people of God threw rocks at Achan until he was dead. Just to be sure, they incinerated him too.

After the whole incident with Achan’s disobedient ways was resolved, Jehovah told Joshua to get back to the business of wiping out Palestinians. Joshua didn’t want to mess up again, so this time he sent 30,000 men to hide around the back of the city of Ai. Then he took a smaller force and pretended to attack the city from the front, then run away.  When the soldiers from Ai and its neighboring city Beth-el saw Joshua and his force running away they gave chase, just like the time before.

This time was different. Once all the fighting men were chasing Joshua, the secret 30,000 took control of Ai and burned it to the ground. With that business concluded Joshua stopped running away and turned to attack and the 30,000 turned their attention to the fight. The men of Ai and Beth-el were quickly wiped out except the king of Ai. Joshua had him hanged from a tree unto death. Then all the women and children from both cities were slaughtered.

Moral: don’t go against God, or his fans will kill you twice.

Ref: Joshua 7 & 8

The Invasion Begins – Jehovah helps the Hebrews wipe out the People of Jericho

Genocide is OK if Jehovah says so

After Joshua and the fighting men of Israel started their track toward Jericho they ran into a little problem. The River Jordan was flooded. This would have been problematic if Jehovah wasn’t so awesome. The army of God was carrying the Ark of the Covenant and as soon as the Ark bearers touched the river water with their feet, the river opened up and the entire army walked across on dry ground. Yay for Jehovah!

The people of Jericho noticed they were being invaded so everyone moved into the city and they closed the gates. At first glance it appeared that Jehovah wasn’t going to get the slaughter he was looking for; I mean, he didn’t even have the Israelites prepare any siege engines or long range weapons. Melee troops aren’t great for attacking fortified positions without some sort of support.

Jehovah had a plan though. He told Joshua to have his people all walk around the city once every day for six days without talking, then on the seventh day they were to walk around the city silently six times and at the end of the seventh circuit they were to shout really loud. The Hebrews did this, and upon the great shout the city’s walls collapsed to the ground. The Hebrew infantry stormed into the city and utterly destroyed all that was in the city, both man and woman, young and old, and ox, and sheep, and ass, with the edge of the sword.
 

Making noise is sure to destroy enemy fortifications

But not quite: Joshua told his spies that checked out the city in my previous bible story to go get the hooker Rahab and her family and make sure they got out of the city safely. In this way the spies were able to keep their word and Israel’s prostitution workforce was strengthened.

Moral: when committing genocide you should always keep at least one of the harlots.

Ref: Joshua 3 & 6

Israel Prepares to Invade Palestine – The reason our culture depends on prostitution

Q: Why do so many stories involve hookers? A: In biblical times it was a highly respected profession, like an attorney or a member of congress.

Many Westerners have heard of Palestine and the conflict with Israel. What they may not know is that the modern areas of Israel, Palestine, and the West Bank are all part of the region traditionally known as “Palestine.” Back in the olden days (think bible) this region was known as Canaan.

When Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt Jehovah promised to give them Palestine; never mind that Palestine was already a populated region composed of a whole mess of small kingdoms. Jehovah was going to hand it all over to the Hebrews and there was nothing anybody could do about it. After Moses died Jehovah decided it was finally time for the invasion to begin. He floated down to Earth and told Joshua to prepare for the invasion. Jericho was the closest major population center, so Joshua sent some spies to check it out.

When the spies got to the big city the first thing they did was find a prostitute. This particular prostitute was named Rahab and she was really great. After the spies showed up in Jericho, the King was told that some Israelis were there to case the joint. The king wasn’t comfortable with this so he sent some of his men to Rahab’s place to pick up the spies. Rahab was fond of her latest customers so she lied to the soldiers. She said, “Yeah, there were some guys here earlier but I didn’t know they were from out of town. They took off a while ago. I’m pretty sure I saw them go out the main gate just before sundown. I bet if you start now, you’ll be able to catch them before they get too far.”

Once the soldiers were out of sight Rahab went to have a little chat with her Hebrew clients. She said, “Look, I know who you are and I know Jehovah has given your people all of Palestine. Here’s the thing though; I have parents, brothers, and sisters and because I saved you I ask that you not kill my family.” This seemed reasonable to the spies so they gave Rahab their word and she lowered them out through a window in the city wall.

Moral: whenever you visit a new city, your first order of business should be to hook up with a prostitute. It just may save your life

Ref: Joshua 1 & 2

Paul vs. Bar-jesus Second Edition – An “inspired” re-write

To get into the proper frame of mind, you should start by reading Paul vs. Bar-jesus – In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I realized recently that by sticking too closely to the biblical account of this story, I may have lost a great deal of value. This is me trying again.

 

Drew Barrymore

You see, the best account of Acts 13:1-13 I’ve ever seen was the 1984 film “Firestarter” starring Drew Barrymore, Heather Locklear, and the apostle Paul. The film was based on the 1980 novel “Firestarter” by Stephen King.

 

When the apostle Paul was in college he participated in a human-subject experiment where he was subjected to a low-grade hallucinogen called “Lot 6.” While he was there he met his future wife Heather Locklear. Crazy enough, the experiments left Paul and Miss Locklear with supernatural abilities. Heather could read minds and Paul could force people to do and believe what he wanted.

 

Paul and Heather meet in college while on drugs



 

After Paul and Heather got married they had a daughter named Drew Barrymore. This was great but it turned out that little Drew could use her mind to start fires. After she turned eight, Bar-jesus the holy advisor of the local ruler Sergius Paulus, decided he needed to weaponize Drew Barrymore so he could stop the Christians from converting Sergius’ people. He went with some buddies to Drew’s home to kill Heather Locklear and kidnap Drew while Paul was at work.





Paul uses his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies

Paul got home while the agents were searching the house for Drew after killing Heather. Paul got really mad and rescued Drew by using his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies. Paul and Drew then went into hiding. That worked for a while, but Sergius Paulus sent George C. Scott to capture Paul and Drew. Because George was clever he managed to bring them back to Sergius’ place and separate them. 

 

It didn’t take too long for Paul to sort out an escape plan that would allow him to return to teaching about Jesus. He used his mental power to convince Sergius to help him. Unfortunatly, while Sergius was helping Paul and Drew sneak out of the compound they were intercepted by George. During the fight Sergius died and Paul was fatally wounded. Before Paul died he told Drew to burn Sergius’ place and everyone in it, then run away. A very angry Drew was happy to comply with the request and destroyed Sergius’ compound and several hundred anti-Christians.

 

Drew burns the compound

Moral: be careful with “Lot 6” or Jesus may use your experimental results to allow his work to continue in spite of secular opposition.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13

Sheep Go To Heaven – CAKE

SHEEP GO TO HEAVEN – CAKE

Before I feed you these lyrics I need to give you some background information so you can hear it all bible-like, just as I do.

First: Jesus was the son of a carpenter – Matthew 13:55

Second: But when the Son of Man comes in His glory, and all the angels with Him, then He will sit on His glorious throne. All the nations will be gathered before Him; and He will separate them from one another, as the shepherd separates the sheep from the goats; and He will put the sheep on His right, and the goats on the left. (Matthew 25: 31-33 NASB)

Third: Pan-pipes and wine are both heavily associated with the god Dionysus, also known as Bacchus. Like Jesus he had an immortal father (Zeus) and a mortal mother (Semele). Unlike Jesus, Dionysus’ mother died before he was born, so Zeus saved Dionysus’ fetus by sewing it into his thigh where it safely incubated until it could live on its own. Nifty, eh?

 

I’m not feeling alright today
I’m not feeling that great
I’m not catching on fire today
love has started to fade
I’m not going to smile today
I’m not gonna laugh
you're out living it up today
I’ve got dues to pay

And the grave-digger puts on the forceps
The stone mason does all the work
The barber can give you a haircut
The carpenter can take you out to lunch

I just want to play on my pan-pipes
I just want to drink me some wine
as soon as you're born you start dying
so you might as well have a good time

Sheep go to heaven
Goats go to hell
Sheep go to heaven
Goats… go to hell

I don't wanna go to sunset strip
I don't wanna feel the emptiness
bold marquees with stupid band names
I don't wanna go to sunset strip
I don't wanna go to sunset strip
I don't wanna feel the emptiness
Bold marquees with stupid band names
I don't wanna go to sunset strip

And the grave-digger puts on the forceps
The stone mason does all the work
The barber can give you a haircut
The carpenter can take you out to lunch

I just want to play on my pan-pipes
I just want to drink me some wine
As soon as you're born you start dying
So you might as well have a good time

Sheep go to heaven
Goats go to hell
Sheep go to heaven
Goats… go to hell

And the grave-digger puts on the forceps
The stone mason does all the work
The barber can give you a haircut
The carpenter can take you out to lunch

I just want to play on my pan-pipes
I just want to drink me some wine
As soon as you're born you start dying
So you might as well have a good time

Sheep go to heaven
Goats go to hell
Sheep go to heaven
Goats… go to hell [x5]

From the album Prolonging the Magic