Paul vs. Bar-jesus - In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I wonder how bad it would be for the GOP if Christian leaders were still blinding those who try to impede social progress

One day in Antioch a group of early Christian leaders were chillin’ at the church when the holy spirit of God decided to make an appearance. After thanking everyone for coming, it gave a brief sermon on the concept of a social contract and handed out a few awards for things like “Best Preacher” and “Biggest Liberal.” Then it told Paul and Barnabas they needed to go do some missionary work in Cyprus.

After preaching the good word in Cyprus for a while Paul and Barnabas ended up in the city of Paphos. The local ruler, Sergius Paulus, heard what Paul and Barnabas were doing and decided he wanted to know what all the fuss was about. To this end, he summoned them to his home. Sergius already had a holy advisor though, a man named Bar-jesus. Bar-jesus was a Jewish prophet and the bible also calls him a sorcerer, probably to make sure everyone knows he’s the bad guy: just like Maleficent in Disney’s Sleeping Beauty.

Bar-jesus was a conservative fellow and was terrified that the socialist society advocated by the Christians would not only take away his individual freedoms, but also cause total social and economic collapse. Naturally Bar-jesus sat in on the meeting between Sergius and the Christians and argued forcefully against Christianity in favor of the old traditions.

It didn’t take Paul long to see he wasn’t making any progress with Sergius so he stood up, pointed his finger at Bar-jesus and said, “You think you’re so clever, child of Satan. Why don’t you just go away and stop working to pervert the ways of the Lord? Because God is displeased with you, your sight shall be taken from you!” Bar-jesus immediately went blind and started to wander around in circles gesturing for someone to guide him by the hand. Sergius was shocked to see that Christians could blind people just by talking to them, so he jumped right on board the Christian bandwagon, professing unbounded depths of devotion (and a desire to keep his eyesight).

Moral: When in doubt, have Jesus poke out someone’s eyes.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13

Image of Polyphemus losing his eye.
Taken from Wikipedia Commons.

Every time God blinds someone in the bible I think of Odysseus in the cave of Polyphemus: I found a good summary for the uninitiated on www.thinkquest.com.

The Cyclops

Landing his ships in Sicily, Odysseus and twelve of his men went in search of supplies. They come across a cave that was obviously inhabited by a giant. Odysseus insisted on meeting the inhabitant in the hope of exchanging gifts. Polyphemus, a Cyclops and son of Poseidon, drove his giant herd of sheep into the cave and blocked the huge cave with a huge boulder.

Finding intruders in the cave, he immediately killed and ate two of Odysseus' men. Knowing he would never be able to leave the cave unless they killed the Cyclops, Odysseus devised a plan. He and his men sharpened a huge log of wood into a stake, during Polyphemus' absence the next day.

Two more of his men were killed upon Polyphemus' return. Odysseus gave the Cyclops a little wine. Enjoying the wine, Polyphemus promised him some gift in return for some more wine. Asking for Odysseus' name, the hero reply that it was "Nobody". Polyphemus promised to eat "Nobody" last.

Drunk, the Cyclops went wearily to bed. Odysseus and his men hardened the huge stake point in the fire pit, before driving the stake into Polyphemus' single eye, blinding the Cyclops. They hid under the bellies of the huge sheep, and when the Cyclops was herding his sheep the next day, due to his blindness, he did not notice them.

Furious with what Odysseus had done, he proceded to call all the other Cyclops living in the vicinity to ask for their assistance. When they asked him what happened to his eye, the poor Polyphemus could only repeat " 'Nobody' did this to me!!" The other Cyclops went back home, pitying their friend whom they now thought mad.