Paul vs. Bar-jesus Second Edition – An “inspired” re-write

To get into the proper frame of mind, you should start by reading Paul vs. Bar-jesus – In which the Lord’s power blinds the social conservative

I realized recently that by sticking too closely to the biblical account of this story, I may have lost a great deal of value. This is me trying again.

 

Drew Barrymore

You see, the best account of Acts 13:1-13 I’ve ever seen was the 1984 film “Firestarter” starring Drew Barrymore, Heather Locklear, and the apostle Paul. The film was based on the 1980 novel “Firestarter” by Stephen King.

 

When the apostle Paul was in college he participated in a human-subject experiment where he was subjected to a low-grade hallucinogen called “Lot 6.” While he was there he met his future wife Heather Locklear. Crazy enough, the experiments left Paul and Miss Locklear with supernatural abilities. Heather could read minds and Paul could force people to do and believe what he wanted.

 

Paul and Heather meet in college while on drugs



 

After Paul and Heather got married they had a daughter named Drew Barrymore. This was great but it turned out that little Drew could use her mind to start fires. After she turned eight, Bar-jesus the holy advisor of the local ruler Sergius Paulus, decided he needed to weaponize Drew Barrymore so he could stop the Christians from converting Sergius’ people. He went with some buddies to Drew’s home to kill Heather Locklear and kidnap Drew while Paul was at work.





Paul uses his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies

Paul got home while the agents were searching the house for Drew after killing Heather. Paul got really mad and rescued Drew by using his mind to blind Bar-jesus and his buddies. Paul and Drew then went into hiding. That worked for a while, but Sergius Paulus sent George C. Scott to capture Paul and Drew. Because George was clever he managed to bring them back to Sergius’ place and separate them. 

 

It didn’t take too long for Paul to sort out an escape plan that would allow him to return to teaching about Jesus. He used his mental power to convince Sergius to help him. Unfortunatly, while Sergius was helping Paul and Drew sneak out of the compound they were intercepted by George. During the fight Sergius died and Paul was fatally wounded. Before Paul died he told Drew to burn Sergius’ place and everyone in it, then run away. A very angry Drew was happy to comply with the request and destroyed Sergius’ compound and several hundred anti-Christians.

 

Drew burns the compound

Moral: be careful with “Lot 6” or Jesus may use your experimental results to allow his work to continue in spite of secular opposition.

Ref: Acts 13:1-13