Jehovah Delivers Quail – When Jehovah does quail, He REALLY does quail

Please don’t tell me you actually expected this story to have a happy ending

After the Israelites left Egypt they wandered in the wilderness for a really long time. While they were out there Jehovah gave them magic food every night called manna. This manna stuff would just show up on the ground and the Israelites would gather it up every morning. Now, manna is pretty great but if you never, ever, eat anything else it gets pretty old.

Eventually the Israelites started to complain that they wanted meat to eat. They didn’t just stop there though. They went really nuts and actually said, “We miss the awesome food we used to get in Egypt. There were cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions, and garlic. It was so great.” As you might imagine, Jehovah heard his people bitching about the food and got all kinds of crazy upset. Hopefully you’ve learned by now that you wouldn’t like Jehovah when he’s angry. He has a tendency to Hulk Smash™ things.

For whatever reason with the meat deal Jehovah briefly broke character and didn’t just kills tons of people outright. Instead he told Moses, “Alright then. If those whiny bitches want meat I’ll give them meat. I’ll give them so much meat for the next month that it will come out their noses. They’re going to hate meat so much they really will wish they were dead.”

Moses thought that sounded crazy and said, “Really? Look Jehovah; I have over 600,000 people here. Just how do you think you’re going to get that much meat? What, are you going to completely empty the ocean or something?” Jehovah was pretty tolerant of Moses’ sass for some reason and just replied, “What, do you think I’m becoming less powerful or something? Just wait and see if I can deliver or not.”

Of course Jehovah did deliver. That night he caused a magic wind to deliver quail. Not just a few quail of course. He lay down a layer of quail three feet thick for a day’s journey in every direction. For two days the people gathered quail and then got down to the business of eating them. Now this is where Jehovah went back to being good old Mr. Reliable. While the people were eating the quail Jehovah slapped them with a deadly plague as punishment for complaining.

Moral: the ancient Israelites were retarded. I mean; how many whiners does Jehovah have to annihilate before you figure out that complaining just gets you killed?

Ref: Numbers 11