Joseph Passes Through His Suffering - like a kidney stone

With the power of hindsight, I can see that making the sex with Mrs. Potiphar would have kept Joseph from his eventual fortune

While all the magicians and wise men were working on, and failing to provide, an interpretation of Pharaoh’s dreams the chief butler had a severe attack of conscience. Mr. Chief Butler told Pharaoh all about the Hebrew prisoner Joseph who had successfully interpreted his and the chief baker's dreams. As you would expect, Pharaoh sent for Joseph. Joseph was immediately pulled from prison, shaved (to get rid of the fleas and lice), and put in appropriate clothing.

Pharaoh said to Joseph, “I understand that you can interpret dreams.” Joseph replied, “I cannot, but Jehovah will use me to provide you with the answers you seek.” Pharaoh eagerly recited his freaky dreams to Joseph. Joseph didn’t even have to blink an eye. He immediately said, “You are very fortunate. Jehovah sent you these dreams to tell you must do. The seven healthy cows and seven healthy heads of grain represent seven years of super awesome harvests. The seven anorexic-looking things represent seven years of famine that will follow the seven plentiful years. The great and powerful Pharaoh must appoint a wise and virtuous man to be in charge of Egypt. One fifth of all grain production must be stored for seven years so it can be distributed to the people during the years of famine so everyone doesn’t die.”

Pharaoh liked this explanation and made Joseph his second-in-command, in charge of all Egypt. Then Pharaoh gave Asenath, who was the daughter of one of his priests, to Joseph for a wife and Joseph finally got laid (with Mrs. Potiphar and Mr. Jeremy nowhere in sight). Over the next seven years Joseph oversaw the collection of grain and made two babies with Asenath. Then the famine began.

Joseph was clever so he sold the grain back to the people he took it from, and also sold it to the peoples of the surrounding countries. After Joseph had all the money, he started trading grain for cattle, and once he had all the cattle, he traded grain for land until he had all the land in Egypt. He did all this for Pharaoh of course. Getting rich on the side had nothing to do with it.

Once Joseph owned everything in the country he let the people of Egypt work the land, on the condition that 20% of everything they produced be delivered unto Pharaoh.

Moral: with Jehovah on your side, you can buy a major country.

Ref: Genesis 41:9-57 & Genesis 47:13-26

Please note: Joseph is the first recorded person in his line to marry outside the family. No cousin love for good ol' Joe.

Prison – The realm of the unworthy

Just think, if only Joseph hadn’t turned down the hottest woman he would ever meet in his life . . .

Getting tossed in the slammer didn’t stop Jehovah from giving Joseph the “magic hands” hookup. Just like Potiphar, the keeper of the prison quickly noticed how well everything Joseph did turned out, so he put Joseph in charge of all the other prisoners. If you’re waiting for Potiphar to get around to having Joseph executed, you can just forget it. Potiphar was a very busy and important man and rarely had the time to concern himself with domestic affairs. I assume this is part of why Mrs. Potiphar was so eager to jump into bed with Joseph: the whole “desperate housewife” stereotype. If you’ve ever listened to the Green Day song “Longview” hopefully you know what I’m talking about (the line I’m thinking of is about ¾ of the way through the song).

  





While Joseph was doing the prison keeper’s job, a couple of Pharaoh’s servants were incarcerated: the chief butler and the chief baker. After spending about three months in the prison, the servants each had a vivid and disturbing dream the same night. When Joseph checked up on them in the morning he noticed they were visibly upset and asked them what was wrong. They told Joseph about the dreams and explained they couldn’t figure out what the dreams meant.

Joseph saw an opportunity to show how awesome he was and said, “You fools; don’t you know that only the Hebrew God has the power to interpret dreams? If you want to learn the meaning you must tell me the dream.” The chief butler went first. He said, “I dreamed about a vine with three branches. Grapes grew on the branches and I pressed them into Pharaoh’s cup and gave it to Pharaoh.”

Joseph said, “Easy Peasy. In three days you will get your old job back. Now I need something from you. I am a Hebrew. I was stolen from my homeland and I ended up in here through no fault of my own. In fact, I even turned down sex with Mrs. Potiphar.” The chief baker chuckled and said, “Oh don’t worry son. Mrs. Potiphar never wants for lack of sex with young men. That woman is mighty fine, but every time I look at her I can only think how it would be like rubbing junk with dozens of other guys. That can’t be healthy.” Joseph answered, “Right, I’m sure she’s a lovely girl.” Then turning his attention back to the chief butler said, “Please remember me after you are once again a trusted servant of Pharaoh and bring me out from this place.”

The butler gave his word it would be done and the chief baker then related his dream. “I was walking with three baskets stacked on my head. The top basket was full of bakemeats for Pharaoh, but birds came and ate all of them.” Joseph told the meaning of the dream like this: “The three baskets are three days. In three days when the chief butler gets his job back, you will be decapitated and your body will by hung from a tree so the birds can eat it.”

Three days later everything went just like Joseph said. However, the chief butler did not keep his promise after he got his job back. He forgot about Joseph.

Moral: no amount of fortune telling can lead a chief butler to get you out of jail.

Ref: Genesis 39-40

Potiphar’s Wife – The ORIGINAL MILF

Wowzah!

The trick to making money as a slaver is to buy and sell as often as possible. The slavers that bought Joseph from his brothers understood that, so as soon as they got to Egypt they sold him to Potiphar, who was one of Pharaoh’s officers and the captain of the guard. Potiphar immediately put Joseph to work as part of the household staff. Now, Jehovah really liked Joseph, so He made everything Joseph did turn out really well.

Once Potiphar noticed that Joseph had the “magic touch” he made him the overseer of the entire household. This turned out to be a good decision for Potiphar because Jehovah now felt compelled to bless the household in everything. Things were going really well for everyone involved until a porno writer/director got involved in the story. We will call him Mr. Jeremy.

Mr. Jeremy wanted to make a video called “Super Egyptian MILF” so he scripted everything out for what he expected to be a beautiful piece of work. Everything was perfect. Potiphar’s veranda had a beautiful view of the Egyptian landscape and the open nature of a veranda lent that extra bit of excitement that comes with the possibility of being discovered, especially by the husband. The natural lighting was perfect, Potiphar’s wife was dark and smokin’ hot, and Joseph was young, virile, and “well favoured” (Genesis 39:6). Unfortunately Mr. Jeremy didn’t count on just how much trouble Joseph was going to give him.   



Many Islands Low Fares

 Once Joseph was alone with Mrs. Potiphar, and the cameras were rolling, Mrs. Potiphar gently laid her hand on Joseph’s and purred, “Lie with me” (Genesis 39:7). Joseph didn’t know what was going on with the film (Mr. Jeremy really wanted the eagerness of a young virgin man to show through, without the distraction of the lights, camera, and audience). He had never been with a woman before and his whole being suddenly exploded with desire, but he keenly remembered that one time when Reuben got caught having sex with one of their father’s wives and how much trouble it caused.

Joseph didn’t want to show up in the papers as “that one slave” who was executed for having the sex with his owner’s wife. So, instead of performing for Mr. Jeremy he gently removed his hand from Mrs. Potiphar’s and said, “Look, my master trusts me with everything in his entire household. No one here has more authority than I do. He has held back nothing from me except you, because you are his wife. How could I do such a wicked thing? It would be a great sin against God." (Genesis 39:8-9, NLT)

Of course Mrs. Potiphar and Mr. Jeremy weren’t going to just give up. Mrs. Potiphar propositioned the sex every day for weeks; Joseph kept refusing. Finally Mrs. Potiphar tried a more direct route and grabbed Joseph before propositioning. Naturally Joseph freaked out and ran away, leaving Mrs. Potiphar holding his clothes in her hands. Well, Mrs. Potiphar decided she couldn’t take it anymore and that no amount of money from Mr. Jeremy could make her keep trying to bed that insulting jerk Joseph so she called the men of the household to her. She said, “Do you see what happens when Hebrew slaves are allowed to work here? Joseph tried to rape me and when I called out for help, he ran away. Here are his clothes; see?


          

Later, when Mr. Potiphar came home and heard the tale for himself, he immediately had Joseph thrown into prison so he could spend the appropriate amount of time devising a truly heinous way to kill the treacherous slave who’d tried to rape his wife.

Ref: Genesis 39

Note: MILF does not mean Many Islands Low Fares