Tamar's Twins - Reminding us that babies are miraculous

In the olden days it was cool for religious leaders to get prostitutes

Once upon a time, Israel's son Judah knocked up his daughter-in-law. The word "Jew" comes from Judah. The Jews are Judah's descendents. It might help to review the story of Tamer's pregnancy.

After Judah had sex with his daughter-in-law, she became pregnant with twins whom she named Zerah and Perez. I don’t know how common twins are when the Father of the Jews gets his dead son’s wife pregnant, but I assume it’s still fairly rare. It must just have been a sign of how special Judah and Tamar’s relationship really was.

When Tamar was delivering the babies, Zarah reached his arm out through his mother’s vagina. The midwife saw it and tied a red piece of string around Zarah’s wrist and said, “This one came out first.”

After the whole wrist incident, Perez was delivered first, then Zerah. However, because Zerah had the red string around his wrist, he got to be the official “first born.”

When I first though about this, I thought there was no way an infant’s arm would be long enough to accomplish Zerah’s feat. However, I checked and among modern, average size people, a newborn’s arms should be around six inches long, and the distance from the cervical opening to the entrance of the vagina is around four inches. That’s totally long enough for Zerah to stick out his hand.

The thing is, there’s not a lot of extra room in your average uterus for a lot of messing around.

 

It's even worse with twins in there.

 

 Unless of course, Tamar had some sort of super-uterus.

 

 I that case, I'm sure Zerah and Perez would have been able to work something out.

Moral: not all uteruses are equal.

Ref: Genesis 38:27-30

Eating Your Children – It only happens when Jehovah gets mad

I wonder if Jehovah was kind enough to provide of copy of “To Serve Man: A Cookbook for People”

When Baruch was living in Babylon, he had an important lesson to teach his fellow Hebrews. Jehovah was not pleased. Ever since the Hebrews had been led away from Egypt by Moses, they had failed to live up to Jehovah’s expectations. There was a lot of partying, bi-racial children, and other stuff that was contrary to the laws of God. 

Because Jehovah was not pleased, all sorts of terrible things happened in Jerusalem so people would eat their children. Jehovah doesn’t mess around.

Moral: don’t dick with God, or you’ll have to eat your children.

Ref: Baruch 2:1-3 (World English Bible)

'Therefore the Lord has made good his word, which he pronounced against us and against our judges who judged Israel and against our kings and our princes and against the men of Israel and Judah, to bring upon us great plagues, such as never happened under the whole heaven, yet came to pass in Jerusalem, according to the things which were written in the law of Moses, so that a man would eat the flesh of his own son and the flesh of his own daughter.

Ezra Cleans House – Kicking impure bitches to the curb

Never yield to the temptation of interracial relationships

In the first year of Cyprus, king of Persia, Jehovah manipulated Cyprus into decreeing that the Hebrews were to return to Jerusalem and rebuild their temple. This was great news and the prophet Ezra led everyone back to Jerusalem where they were counted, then spent a bunch of time praying and fasting and such.

Once all this stuff was taken care of, the local princes went to Ezra with a disturbing report. They said something like: um, you know how not absolutely everyone was taken away to live in Persia? Well, the people who stayed here kinda, mingled with the locals. Yeah they’ve been taking wives from the non-holy races and mixing their holy sperm with those impure women. They’re making babies with them! It’s totally interracial! They are even worshiping the local gods instead of the great Jehovah.

As you would expect, as soon as Ezra heard the terrible news, he tore his clothes, ripped out his beard, ripped out the hair on his head, and sat down; completely astonished.

Ezra sat on the ground all day, overcome with astonishment. When the time for the evening sacrifice rolled around, Ezra finally stood up. He then launched into a moving speach about how awful the local population was: how sinful and wicked, naughty and  . . . well, bad; just bad – iniquitous even.

After Ezra wrapped up his monologue, a huge group of people gathered around him; men, women, and children. One of the men spoke up and said, “. . . We have trespassed against our God, and have taken strange wives of the people of the land: yet now there is hope in Israel concerning this thing. Now therefore let us make a covenant with our God to put away all the wives, and such as are born of them, according to the counsel of my lord, and of those that tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law (Ezra 10:2-3, KJV).”

This whole idea of kicking everyone of “impure” blood out of the community appealed to Ezra so he send out word that everyone of Hebrew ancestry needed to gather at Jerusalem. Once everyone was together, Ezra explained how all the “impure” women and the half-breed children needed to be cast out of the community so they could live according to Gods will again. Everyone was moved by the spirit of the Lord so when Ezra said, “Now therefore make confession unto the Lord God of your fathers, and do his pleasure: and separate yourselves from the people of the land, and from the strange wives (Ezra 10:11, KJV).”  The men all answered and said, “As thou hast said, so must we do (Ezra 10:12, KJV).”

Because there were so many non-Hebrew women and mongrel children, it took three and a half months to identify and kick them all to the curb and for every offending man to kill a ram by way of apology.

However, after all those weeks of righteous toil, the impurities were finally removed and the Kingdom of Israel was once again pure in the eyes of God.

Moral: Just because God’s prophet is living in another city, it doesn’t mean you can go chasing tail among the local population.

Ref: Ezra 1:1-2 & Ezra 9-10

Christmas - Celebrating unexplained pregnancy

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

This is Mary. Mary is 14 years old and is very pretty. Mary goes to St. Joseph and St. Phillip’s Middle School in West Vermont.

Mary doesn’t like school though.

Mary likes to party with the High School kids.

Mary has conservative religious parents who worry about her grades and her choices in friends.

Mary’s parents decide the best thing to do is merry her off to a respectable older man named José.

One day José noticed that Mary was unmistakably pregnant. Mary said it was ok though because she was still a virgin.

José didn’t believe Mary and was upset. He went to talk with Mary’s parents.

Mary’s parents said that Mary would never tell a lie, and that she must have been magically made pregnant by God or something like that.

José and Mary got married in secret so people would think it was José that helped Mary get pregnant.

Eventually Mary gave birth. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. But several decades later, someone wrote that the baby was magic. Perhaps Mary didn’t get pregnant at a drinking party. Perhaps Mary’s parents were right, and Mary was a virgin. Perhaps . . .

Of course Mary wasn’t really that into being a mom, so she hired a nanny and took a job as a “party planner.”

Merry Christmas!

Hosea and Gomer – A refreshing blend of prophet and whoredom

Would you be upset if God called your wife a whore?

Hosea had a very special relationship with Jehovah. They used to chat all the time, take long walks on the beach, and plan for the future. One day Jehovah said to Hosea:

Yo!

Like, all them Israelites, they be whoring

themselves out; bowing before another god.

I gots stuff to say, what ain’t not boring

Time for destruction. Get ready to applaud.

Seek out dem whores, and find a fertile girl

It’s time to procreate; make kids from whoredom

Let me give them names. Let’s give it a twirl.

We’ll use them to show the end of the kingdom.

Hosea was a good boy, so he went out and found a pretty little thing that was whoring herself out to other gods. Her name was Gomer, and after Hosea took her from her father Diblaim, she got all pregnant, gave birth to a son, and Jehovah named the kid Jezreel.

Jezreel’s name meant that Jehovah was going to destroy the kingdom of Israel and “break Israel’s bow” in the valley of Jezreel. The second kid, a daughter, was named Lo-ruhamah. This name meant the house of Israel would receive no mercy, but the house of Judah would sorta be OK after a while. Finally, Gomer popped out a second son, who Jehovah named Lo-ammi. Lo-ammi means, “You are not my people, and I will not be your God.”

After all the birthing and naming; things looked pretty bleak for those who practiced whoredoms and those born from whoredoms. Jehovah must have realized this, because he left off with some words of consolation:

Yo!

In the future, the stars will shine bright.

The people of Israel will expand.

You know they’ll outnumber the sand, right?

They’re the children of God, understand?

Whoa, did I hear that right? The people of Israel are the children of God? I thought they were the descendants of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob/Israel. Clearly I was wrong, because someone as tight with Jehovah as Hosea wouldn’t lie about something like that. I am just left to wonder if Jehovah was talking about Hosea’s kids and Jehovah was even closer to Hosea and Gomer than I thought. Probably not. Jehovah was probably banging Abraham’s wife Sarah, and that’s how she finally got pregnant with Isaac after all those unfruitful years of intercourse with Abraham. A third option is that Jehovah was having covert sex with ALL the ladies, and everyone was the literal son or daughter of God. That’s a whole lot of incest and a really funny looking family tree.

Of course Jehovah’s legendary fertility could explain the massive population growth among Abraham’s alleged descendants during their time in Egypt.  

Moral: It’s rarely a good thing with God dictates who you marry and how you name your children.

Ref: Hosea 1:1-11

Mystery Babylon – The mother of harlots

When you want to disparage someone’s character, simply associate him/her with prostitution

One day, long ago, Jehovah was faced with the challenge of getting St. John the Revelator to understand that secularism was fated to spread across the globe. Being perfect, Jehovah came up with a perfect way to do this. He sent an angel and used imagery.

The angel said, “Come here John. I need to show you the great whore that sitteth upon many waters. She is a very busy woman so we had better hurry. All the kings of earth have sex with her and everyone on earth gets drunk from the wine that leaks out of her during sexual intercourse. It sounds odd, I know; but you’ll understand once you see her.”

The angel carried John out, deeper and deeper into the wilderness until they saw her.

John wrote that the woman was sitting on a red monster with seven heads and ten horns. She was wearing a purple dress with a red sash and had a gold cup in her hand. The cup was full of sin and the “filth” of all the illicit sex.


 

Rampant Secularism is a hot chick riding a red dinosaur

 

The woman had writing on her forehead that said:

MYSTERY, babylon the great

the mother of HARLOTS

and of abominations of the earth

John noticed the woman was a little tipsy from drinking human blood, shed by those who die in the service of Christ. Of course, the strangest thing of all was: that woman was HOT!



Scarlett Johansson - Not rapmant secularism, but still hot



Moral: secularism is a hot slut that leaks wine during sex.

Ref: Revelation 17:1-6




Kate Upton - Also not secularism, and also hot

 

John the Baptist – Be careful who you criticize

It turns out that opening your mouth when you could remain silent can cost you your head

Baptism of Christ by Guido Reni

Many people who have the good fortune to know some of the New Testament stories are familiar with Jesus’ second cousin, John the Baptist. Just like Samson, John was a nazarite so he didn’t drink wine or cut his hair. John isn’t famous for being hairy though. He’s famous because he baptized Jesus by having Jesus walk out into a river and then sprinkling water on Jesus’ head.



Here’s the thing though; John was kinda a blabbermouth and just couldn’t keep quiet when King Herod married his brother’s wife and cousin Herodias. John said it was illegal for Herod the take his cousin Herodias for himself because Philip was still alive. As you might imagine, Herodias was upset and convinced Herod to have John thrown into prison. Of course she also wanted John dead, but Herod was worried that because the population at large had a high opinion of John, people would be upset.



Salome by Franz von Stuck

You might think this story is over, but as soon as Herod’s birthday rolled around, Herodias’ daughter Salome danced for Herod. This wasn’t no innocent dance though. Herod’s step-daughter and first-cousin once-removed and niece put on a SHOW! Herod was pleased. Herod was so pleased that as soon as he regained his composure he promised Salome he would give her anything she asked. BINGO! Of course this was the whole reason Herodias had her daughter give Herod a lap-dance. Herodias was still after John’s head.

When Salome told Herod what she wanted most was John the Baptist’s head in a basket, Herod regretted his lust-driven promise because he was still reluctant to have John executed. He had promised though, so he gave the appropriate orders. John’s head was delivered to Salome who then gave it to her mother.

Moral: if you can’t get your husband to do what you want, have your daughter give him a lap-dance.

Ref: Matthew 14:3-11

Jerusalem the Violated Virgin – How Jehovah treats those who disrespect

Like a virgin, crushed for the very first time

After Jehovah stopped liking the descendants of Abraham, things got pretty bad in Jerusalem. You see, Jehovah only helps out people who like Him and is deliberately cruel to those who disrespect him. In this case, Jehovah had the Babylonians invade Israel and haul off most of the people to work in the region we know today as Iraq.

The sacred book of Lamentations serves to enlighten us as to the condition of Jerusalem after Jehovah stopped being nice to it. In Lamentations 1:4 we learn that Zion mourns because nobody goes to parties anymore and the virgins are afflicted. Oh no: afflicted? How? Well, I hope these are metaphorical virgins. I hope it so much; I’m going to write this like both Jerusalem and its people are represented as virgins in Lamentations. If they are not metaphorical, God is even more messed up that I thought.

From Lamentations Chapter 1:

First: No longer full *cough cough* of people – just like a widow

Second: No lovers to give comfort

Third: All friends became enemies

Fourth: Live among non-religious people

Fifth: Be overtaken by persecutors “between the straits”

Sixth: Children (from a virgin?) are taken away as prisoners

Seventh: Disrespected by former fans because they’ve been seen naked

Eighth: Filthy skirts

Ninth: Adversary gets to rub his/her hands all over the “pleasant bits”

Tenth: Hungry

Eleventh: Fire sent into the bones

Twelfth: Trodden upon and squished by God, like in a winepress

Thirteenth: Menstruating

Moral: Don’t be a virgin or your adversaries will get to see you naked and rub your “pleasant bits,” God will squish you like a grape, and you will have to menstruate.

Ref: Lamentations 1:1-17

Two Adulterous Sisters – God explains donkey balls and horse ejaculate

I wonder why more people don’t teach this stuff in church

One day Jehovah had an important story to tell Ezekiel. It was such an important story that it was written down and passed to us after more than 2,600 years.

Once upon a time there were two sisters named Aholah and Aholibah. They used to work as prostitutes in Egypt. It was there that their breasts were fondled and their virgin nipples were bruised. They had lots of sons and daughters while they were whoring in Egypt. Now pay attention; this part is important. When I say Aholah, I really mean Samaria and when I say Aholibah, I really mean Jerusalem; clever, eh?

Here’s the thing: after Aholah left Egypt she didn’t stop whoring. She liked the attractive Assyrian warriors and had lots of sex with the elite Assyrians. She loved having her breasts fondled and let the Assyrians pour their lust out upon her. I didn’t think that was so great so I made sure those she lusted after stripped her naked, took away all her sons and daughters, and killed her with a sword.

Of course Aholibah saw what happened to Aholah, but she was an even bigger whore than her sister. She also was way into young Assyrian men: governors and commanders, warriors in full dress, and mounted horsemen. She exposed her naked body in the bed of love and spread her legs constantly for the Assyrians. She was an even bigger slut than she was in Egypt where her lovers had balls like donkeys and ejaculated like horses (Ezekiel 23:20). She never stopped wanting to have her breasts fondled like when she was young.

I can’t have Aholibah whoring herself around like that so I am going to make all her lovers hate her; the Babylonians and all the Chaldeans, the men of Pekod and Shoa and Koa, and all the Assyrians with them, handsome young men, all of them governors and commanders, chariot officers and men of high rank, all mounted on horses. They are going to cut off her nose and ears. They will take her sons and daughters. They will strip off her clothes. She is going to be so upset that she will rip off her own breasts.

This is how I deal with sluts like Aholah and Aholibah. After I’m done with them, they will no longer continue the leg spreading and breast fondling they started in Egypt. Thus sayeth the LORD.

Moral: don’t have lots of sex with Assyrians.

Ref: Ezekiel 23:1-35

Jeremiah Uses Sexual Imagery to Chastise Israel - A vagina can be a valuable teaching tool

Sex sells

One day Jehovah was upset about how the Israelites were behaving so he gave Jeremiah a few messages to pass on in Jeremiah Chapter 3.

From the mouth of God:

Imagine that dude number 1 divorced his wife and then she hooked up with dude number 2 later. Then imagine how gross it would be if dude number 1 screwed that chick again. That would be just like two dudes rubbing their junk together. Because all you Israelites stopped going to church, you are just like junk rubbing dudes!

You keep having sex with all sorts of people, and then want to crawl back into my bed? You’re so bad that even though you’re obviously a skanky whore, you refuse to feel shame. You are all like a bunch of slutty chicks that have sex on every single mountain and under every tree. Because you all are supper slutty I’m divorcing you.

Your sister though, she’s the people that still go to church but don’t believe. She totally had sex with the ground. That’s right. She’s been committing adultery with rocks and sticks.

Here’s the thing though, I’m not a monster and because used pussy is better than no pussy I’m not going to stay angry forever. I’m even going to forgive. Because we are married and everything, I will take one person from that city and two from this family and bring them to Zion.

Ref: Jeremiah 3:1-14

Moral: Jehovah likes to talk about having sex with his followers/children

Divorce and Castration – They’re both painful

Castration to appease God is way better than castration to impress your friends

One time when Jesus was teaching and healing the infirm near the Judean coast when a group of hoity toity Pharisees (good, God-fearing folk) showed up to cause trouble. The Pharisees asked Jesus if divorce was OK. Jesus was a good Roman Catholic boy so he wasn’t a big fan of divorce and said, “Um, if you like look in the scriptures, and stuff; you will totally find that God like, made a dude and a chick and told them they had to “one flesh” it up. If you think about it, that like, totally means they aren’t flying solo anymore. It’s not up to men to divide what God joined together.”

The Pharisees were upset (as per the norm) that Jesus was teaching crap that contradicted the Holy Scriptures so they said, “If that’s true, why did God give Moses detailed instructions on how to properly execute divorce proceedings?” Jesus responded, “Man, I tell you what; back in those days God was super bueno with divorce due to the hardness of your hearts, man. Now that we live in the new era I’m tellin’ ya: all the peeps what get divorced are totally committing adultery. I mean, unless the lady is steppin’ out on you. Then it’s ok, ‘cause who needs a ho-bag like that hangin’ around?”

Then Jesus’ disciples joined the conversation saying: “If that’s the rule now, it’s got to be way better to just not get married.” Jesus liked the sound of that, but being a really practical guy realized that dudes like the ladies and said, “Well, not all the dudes can handle the celibacy, man. Some guys ain’t got no junk ‘cause they wasn’t born with it. Then some other dudes had their junk taken from them with a knife or sharp rock or summin’ like that, so they’re good. There’s only, like, a few ‘specially radical dudes who can live junkless by their own choice! I mean anybody what can live junkless totally should though, because it’s WAY better than getting hitched when you ain’t got no recourse for divorce.”

Note: some people think the self-inflicted eunuch-ism Jesus was talking about is a metaphor for celibate living. I don’t buy it: when you’re really big on circumcision, castration is the next logical step in the direction of righteousness.

Ref: Matthew 19:1-12

Rules for Raping Virgins – Law makes order from chaos

Sometimes you aren’t required to blame the victim

In the case of rape, the bible requires that both the rapist and victim die by stoning if the victim is married. You know, to keep the ickyness of rape from contaminating the community.

That seems fine, but what about unmarried women? As far as I can tell, it’s ok to rape an unmarried non-virgin: probably because the chick in that situation doesn’t have any marriage potential or monetary value. The complications arise when raping a virgin. If a man is caught in the act of raping a virgin, he is then required to pay the girl’s father 50 shekels of silver and marry the girl. I’m not sure if this is a punishment or a reward. It could be, “You raped Sarah the daughter of Seth, so now you have to pay off Seth and you’re stuck with Sarah forever.” Or it could be a good way to pick out a new wife without having to get her father’s permission: “I don’t like you Seth. You are a stupid piece of crap and I would never have allowed you to marry my daughter, but since you raped her now I have no choice. Here is your new bride.”

Now you may say, “What if the virgin is already betrothed to someone? If you made her marry the rapist that wouldn’t be fair to the guy that had already arranged to marry her and paid the bride price?” Fortunately Jehovah thought of that too. If someone rapes a betrothed virgin in a city, then it’s the victim’s fault because she didn’t yell loud enough to attract someone that could protect her from the rape. In that case, both the rapist and victim are taken outside the city gate and everyone throws rocks at them until they die.

That may seem unfair, but Jehovah isn’t a monster. If the betrothed virgin is raped out in a field somewhere, the law understands that it isn’t her fault. You see, there aren’t enough people around for her to call successfully for help. In this case only the rapist is stoned to death.

Sadly, the “rape in a field” rule doesn’t bring me a lot of comfort. Once the girl is no longer a virgin the bridegroom can get out of marrying her because he paid for a virgin. Then the victim is an unmarried non-virgin and I’m pretty sure the only job she could get after that is in the respectable field of prostitution. Then I wonder if that is how all biblical prostitutes get started on their career path. Also: please refer to the section of the second paragraph dealing with non-married, non-virgins.

Moral: Jehovah came up with some pretty great rules for dealing with rape in a large community setting.

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:22-29

Pretty Non-Combatants – Enjoying the spoils of war

This makes me wonder who gets first pick.

The United States is not a Christian nation. This may seems like a bold statement to some so let me explain. If the US was a Christian nation, its soldiers and citizens would obey the laws of God. This almost never happens. You might expect such a statement to be followed by a lecture on charity or something. If so, you are wrong. Today we are going to examine God’s laws regarding the capture and rape of pretty girls in a combat zone.

Here is what God tell the male soldiers to do:

When you go to war and win, you should examine everyone you haven’t killed (taken captive). If you see a particularly beautiful woman and want to have sex with her, you take her home. Once she’s there you have to shave her head and trim her fingernails. Then you have to buy her new clothes and give her one month to cry about being separated from her parents and being forced into sex slavery. After that you are legally married and can start having the sex.

If you like the sex, the looks, and the personality you can keep her forever. However, if after the sex happens you decide you don’t like her, you have to let her go. Don’t even think about selling her though. God won’t allow you to treat her like merchandise because you raped/married her.

Now, you may argue that the US is trying to be a Christian nation by gang raping POWs and non-combatants; but deep down in your heart you know this isn’t true. If American soldiers were really following the word of God, they wouldn’t just rape people. First they would take them home, shave their heads, trim their nails, and buy them new clothes; then wait a full month before committing the rape. Oh, and because God doesn’t endorse polyandry (many men, one woman) there could be no gang rape.

Moral: nobody does what God wants anymore. Are we all dammed?

Ref: Deuteronomy 21:10-14

Daughter Selling – There are rules for everything

If you have to raise a daughter, you can recoup some of the loss by selling her

Yahweh is super smart. He is so smart that he knew a lot of Hebrews were going to be selling their daughters and needed some rules for the buyers.

First Rule: Once a daughter is sold as a sex slave she doesn’t automatically go free after six years like the male Hebrew slaves.

Second Rule: If the sex slave isn’t good in bed and in the kitchen, the buyer has to sell her back to her father. He can’t sell her to foreigners because he broke the whole “I will buy you and make you my sex slave/house elf” contract.

Third Rule: If the new owner bought the girl so he could give her to his son for marriage, he has to give her all the rights and privileges he would give to his own daughter.

Fourth Rule: If the new owner buys another wife he can’t reduce the food, clothing, or sex he was giving the first wife/slave before the second purchase. If the owner fails to provide the sex, food, and clothes the sex slave goes free.

It’s a really good thing we have these rules, otherwise young girls, fathers, and prospective buyers would just be running around crazy all the time. That sort of chaos is clearly contrary to the statutes of a proper society. Hurray for Yahweh and his rules for the selling, buying, and disposal of those things men need for the sex and basket weaving.

Moral: before selling your daughter, check with your local religious leader to make sure you’re following the rules properly.

Ref: Exodus 21: 7-11

Joseph Passes Through His Suffering - like a kidney stone

With the power of hindsight, I can see that making the sex with Mrs. Potiphar would have kept Joseph from his eventual fortune

While all the magicians and wise men were working on, and failing to provide, an interpretation of Pharaoh’s dreams the chief butler had a severe attack of conscience. Mr. Chief Butler told Pharaoh all about the Hebrew prisoner Joseph who had successfully interpreted his and the chief baker's dreams. As you would expect, Pharaoh sent for Joseph. Joseph was immediately pulled from prison, shaved (to get rid of the fleas and lice), and put in appropriate clothing.

Pharaoh said to Joseph, “I understand that you can interpret dreams.” Joseph replied, “I cannot, but Jehovah will use me to provide you with the answers you seek.” Pharaoh eagerly recited his freaky dreams to Joseph. Joseph didn’t even have to blink an eye. He immediately said, “You are very fortunate. Jehovah sent you these dreams to tell you must do. The seven healthy cows and seven healthy heads of grain represent seven years of super awesome harvests. The seven anorexic-looking things represent seven years of famine that will follow the seven plentiful years. The great and powerful Pharaoh must appoint a wise and virtuous man to be in charge of Egypt. One fifth of all grain production must be stored for seven years so it can be distributed to the people during the years of famine so everyone doesn’t die.”

Pharaoh liked this explanation and made Joseph his second-in-command, in charge of all Egypt. Then Pharaoh gave Asenath, who was the daughter of one of his priests, to Joseph for a wife and Joseph finally got laid (with Mrs. Potiphar and Mr. Jeremy nowhere in sight). Over the next seven years Joseph oversaw the collection of grain and made two babies with Asenath. Then the famine began.

Joseph was clever so he sold the grain back to the people he took it from, and also sold it to the peoples of the surrounding countries. After Joseph had all the money, he started trading grain for cattle, and once he had all the cattle, he traded grain for land until he had all the land in Egypt. He did all this for Pharaoh of course. Getting rich on the side had nothing to do with it.

Once Joseph owned everything in the country he let the people of Egypt work the land, on the condition that 20% of everything they produced be delivered unto Pharaoh.

Moral: with Jehovah on your side, you can buy a major country.

Ref: Genesis 41:9-57 & Genesis 47:13-26

Please note: Joseph is the first recorded person in his line to marry outside the family. No cousin love for good ol' Joe.