The ancient Hebrews read the scriptures – Enforcing Jehovah’s desire for ethnic purity

It turns out you can find justification in the bible for any evil act

In the time of the prophet Nehemiah a bunch of the Hebrews got together and someone read the Book of Moses to them. When they got to the part about Balaam’s talking donkey they especially noticed the section that said Ammonites and Moabites should never, ever, under any circumstances be allowed to enter the congregation of God.

You see, after the Israelites left Egypt they were eradicating all the different communities they came across. The Ammonites and Moabites didn’t want to be wiped off the map so they hired a magician to use his magic to help them.  Now, this didn’t work for the Ammonites and Moabites because Jehovah bullied the magician (Balaam) into using his magic to help the Israelites instead. However, irrespective of how things turned out, the Ammonites and Moabites did actively work to preserve their own lives against the evil onslaught of Jehovah’s people. This meant that their decedents could never, not ever worship Jehovah, be part of God’s people, go to Heaven, or any of the like.

The Israelites were always hard-core so once they figured out they needed to do something about ethnic impurity they didn’t just make the offending ethnic groups stand on the bus, go to separate schools, or use the back door to enter businesses. Nope. The Israelites forcibly removed everyone with any Ammonite or Moabite ancestry from their communities. These poor unsuspecting “unworthy” individuals were removed from their homes and cast into the wilderness where they could either die or wander until they found a more accepting culture willing to take them in.

After all, “God is love.”

Ref: Nehemiah 13:1-3

Jesus and Crumbs for Dogs – The right woman can convince Jesus to do just about anything

Yeah, that’s right.

One day Jesus was going through his list of recommended songs on iTunes and came across “California Gurls” by Katy Perry. He decided to give it a listen and was intrigued by the lines, “California girls, we’re unforgettable; daisy dukes, bikinis on top. Sun-kissed skin, so hot we’ll melt your Popsicle.” He was particularly interested in seeing what it would be like to have someone melt his Popsicle; so he bailed out of his normal ‘hood and headed out to the West Coast (the closest thing he could find to California).

When he got to the beach, this unnamed Gentile woman (we’ll call her Candy) ran up to him and said, “Have mercy on me, Lord, Son of David; my daughter is cruelly demon-possessed.” The thing is, Jesus was still looking around for anything like he’d seen in the “California Gurls” music video and couldn’t be bothered to answer Candy. This went on for a little while until Jesus’ “Gentlemen Friends” felt compelled to intercede. They said to Jesus, “Please will you just send Candy away? She keeps shouting at us and we don’t like it.”

This got Jesus’ attention and he said, “Whoa, on just a minute. I can’t go helping just anyone. It doesn’t matter if Candy really needs help AND I can help her. The only thing that matters (besides learning more about this Popsicle thing) is that I only help Israelites. It’s what my father wants. You know, the whole covenant of Abraham thing? Duh!”

When Candy heard this last little bit she threw herself on the ground in front of Jesus and said, “Lord, help me!” By now Jesus had figured out he wasn’t going to have any luck with his Popsicle quest until he could get Candy to move on so he said to her, “Are you nuts? Listen woman, it just wouldn’t be proper to take bread from little kids and throw it to the dogs. Hmm . . . I don’t know how good you Gentiles are at understanding parables so I’ll explain: Hebrews are the chosen people of God. They are represented by the children in the parable. Gentiles are basically worthless so they are the dogs. Get it? I’m not giving you the children’s bread.”

Candy wasn’t about to give up just yet. The Gentiles didn’t have national health care and she didn’t get benefits from her job waiting tables at the strip club, so she knew the only way to help her daughter was get this Hebrew jackass to work his magic. So, she knelt up, leaned forward so Jesus could fully appreciate her cleavage and said in her sexiest voice, “Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their masters' table.”

Jesus thought about this for a minute and then realized people were starting to notice he was staring down Candy’s shirt. He looked up and said, “Oh, um, ok. Um, because your uh, faith, yes faith, is very strong your daughter is now healed. Yeah, your faith did it. Got to go. Bye.”

And Candy’s daughter was healed in that very hour.

Ref: Matthew 15:21-28