Feet Dusting - It's how modern killing is done!

I heard that you had better be REALLY sure Jesus is OK with you dusting your feet. Otherwise a lot of innocent people could die.

One day Jesus decided he just wasn't able to spread his message effectively without help. He recruited 70 messengers and gave them some very specific instructions on how to spread the influence of his teachings.

Step One:

Go to a city and walk to the center of town.

Step Two:

Wait to see if people feed you and give you a place to sleep.

Step Three A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, heal the sick and let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive.

Step Three B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep; let everyone know the Kingdom of God is about to arrive, then brush the dust off your feet to let God know which city he should destroy. Think of this as you would a special forces guy pointing a laser at the city. Then think of God as a laser-guided missile.

Step Four A:

If you were given food and a place to sleep, move on to the next city.

Step Four B:

If you were NOT given food and a place to sleep, enjoy the show as God destroys the city.
 

 

To help programmers better visualize this sequence of events, I've taken the liberty of preparing some c++ code.
 

//This simple program helps determine if a city should receive

//the blessings of God, or should be destroyed.

#include <iostream>

#include <stdlib.h>

using namespace std;

int main()

{
int salvation;
cout << "Enter the city and wait for two hours." << endl;
sleep(7200000);

cout << "Did people in the city feed you and offer you a place to sleep?" << endl;

cout << "Enter 1 for yes and 0 for no: ";
cin >> salvation;
cout << endl;

if(salvation == 1)

{
            cout << "Heal the sick and say to everyone," << endl;
            cout << "\"The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
}
else
{
            cout << "Walk into the middle of the main street and say:" << endl;
            cout << "\"Even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us," << endl;
            cout << "we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure" << endl;
            cout << "of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you.\"" << endl;
            cout << endl;
            sleep(30000);
            cout << "Perform \"Feet Dusting\" ritual." << endl;
}

return 0;

}

Moral: God keeps an eye on things and kills everyone that doesn't do the "right" thing without being told.

Ref: Luke 10:8-12

And into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you, eat such things as are set before you: and heal the sick that are herein, and say unto them, The kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But into whatsoever city ye enter, and they receive you not, go your ways out into the streets of the same, and say, even the very dust of your city, which cleaveth on us, we do wipe off against you: notwithstanding be ye sure of this, that the kingdom of God is come nigh unto you. But I say unto you, that it shall be more tolerable in that day for Sodom, than for that city.

The Last Battle - The Zechariah version

Sometimes it's hard for me to remember that it's ok when God lets people die, because they get to go to heaven and that's not supposed to be bad.

In one of Zechariah's great visions, he saw a future battle in the Middle East.



Sorry. It Wasn't This Middle Eastern Conflict (Syria 2014)

God is going to make Jerusalem a burden to the entire world. It's going to get so bad that every nation on Earth will gang up on Israel and try to destroy it.



Can you tell that I drew ALL the world's nations here?

All the fighting isn't going to go too poorly for God's chosen people because God plans to help. He's even going to show up in person to "destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem."



God shows up to help. Note the kickin' cape

Here's the catch: when the Jews see that God is Jesus Christ, AND that they crucified him back in Roman times, they're going to feel really bad. They are going to feel SO bad the sadness will end up splitting all the families apart and all the wives are going to have to move away from their husbands.

The "Sadness" Separating Families

So much for the traditional family, eh?

Moral: Sometimes when God makes everyone want to kill you, he shows up to help you when they attack.

Ref: Zechariah 12

Christ on David's Throne - Some things are made to last

Do you suppose the chair is magic, or is it more of a symbolic thing?

Back a really long time ago, God decided that David would be the ruler of the Kingdom of Israel. Because the Israelites were God's chosen people, that Kingdom was destined to last forever. After God gave David the throne to the kingdom, the prophet Samuel came to David and said, "When your days are complete and you lie down with your fathers, I will raise up your descendant after you, who shall come forth from you, and I will establish his kingdom. He shall build a house for My name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom forever."

God gives King David "The Throne of Ages"

After the Babylonians embarrassed the Kingdom of Israel with its superior military might and enslaved most of the population, God's chosen people started thinking a lot about the promise of a "forever" kingdom and a messiah, or deliverer. Isaiah promised that sometime in the future, a descendant of David would once again sit upon David's throne. This messiah would usher in a new era of peace and rule forever, and ever, and ever. The end.

Isaiah Prophesies the Advent of Christ

800 years after Isaiah's promise, Jesus was born. The Babylonians weren't in charge of the Israelites anymore. Now it was the Romans who were calling the shots. Everyone wanted a messiah and Jesus was clearly the demigod for the job. You know, being the literal Son of God and all that jazz. Jesus sat on the throne and fixed everything.

Christ Rocks the Throne of David

Well almost everything I guess. I mean, there were a few Jewish rebellions against the Romans, and the Israelites were almost completely wiped off the face of the planet. I mean, only a few survived besides the ones living in other countries. But it's ok, really, because Jesus was still on the throne. After all, God did say Jesus would sit on it, "forever, and ever, and ever." I also heard that Jesus can't ever really die, so the throne sitting really can go on, and on, and on, and on . . . .

Forever and Ever

Moral: having a demigod sit on an antique chair doesn't necessarily prevent genocide.

Ref: 2 Samuel 7:12-16, Isaiah 9:6-7, & Isaiah 16:1-5

Judas Iscariot – Helping local law enforcement since 33 AD

If Jesus was foreordained to die, why is Judas so hated for helping it happen?

After three years of wandering around performing miracles and preaching radical doctrines that upset the ruling class of priests, Jesus was pretty famous.



Crowd in St. Peter's Square for Pope Benedicts Last Blessing
source: news.nationalpost.com

He was so well known that the ruling elite were frightened that Jesus had influence among the people to cause radical changes to the social and political situation in the Middle East. Furthermore, these rulers were concerned that Jesus’ presence would cause the Romans to take suppressive action against the people.

I think it’s safe to say that the biblical accounts indicate Jesus was one of the best known figures of his day. 



Sermon on the Mount - Carl Heinrich Bloch

Once the authorities in Jerusalem decided to remove Jesus from public life, it should have been easy to track him down, right?

Wrong! They needed help. They needed help to find Jesus, which I guess it is ok, but they DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE LOOKED LIKE! They had to pay one of Jesus’ best friends (Judas) to show them where Jesus was hanging out, and then kiss him so they could take the right man into custody.

And he that betrayed him had given them a token, saying, Whomsoever I shall kiss, that same is he; take him, and lead him away safely. And as soon as he was come, he goeth straightway to him, and saith, Master, master; and kissed him. (Mark 14:44-45, KJV)

Seriously? Worst police force EVER!

Police Academy

Ref: Matthew 26:14-16, 47-50; Mark 14: 10-11, 43-46; Luke 22:3-6, 47-49

Jesus Meets Mary and Martha - Keeping it in the family

I hear references to fantasies about sisters (especially twins) quite often, but I suspect that’s even less common than brother/sister romances

One of the notable things about Jesus’ mortal ministry is how much time he spent walking around. He walked from city to city talking to people for years. Well, it just so happens that while stopping off in Bethany, Jesus ran into an eligible young woman named Martha.

As you might imagine, Martha was quite taken with Jesus. However, being a proper lady, she understood there were social norms that prevented her from dragging Jesus straight into her bedroom for some spontaneous lovemaking. Martha had to get Jesus to make the first move.

In accordance with the understanding that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, Martha invited Jesus by for lunch.

Once Jesus was comfortably seated, Martha started preparing the meal she needed to secure Christ’s lovin’.

Martha’s little sister Mary immediately noticed that an attractive man was dragged into the house and placed on the comfy chair. Jesus’ good looks were not lost on Mary, who kneeled down on the floor at Jesus’ feet and started talking with him.

Martha was not pleased that Mary was trying to edge in on her man, but couldn’t confront Mary directly without looking like a bitch. Trying to resolve the situation as best she could, Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me (Luke 10:40, KJV).” Sadly for Martha, Jesus was enjoying Mary’s company and responded, “Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things: But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her (Luke 10:41-42, KJV).”

Poor Martha, she was doing all that work trying to get Jesus into bed, but just couldn’t outdo her sister’s looks.

Note: I don’t know if this ended in the bedroom, but I do know that from this time on, Jesus had a very special relationship with both Mary and Martha (relationship reference 1, relationship reference 2, relationship reference 3, relationship reference 4).

Ref: Luke 10:38-42

Jairus’ Daughter – Jesus raises a lovely young woman from the dead

“Stay alive! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, Jesus will find you.” -Hawkeye

One day when Jesus was doing a whole bunch of miracle working, the head of the local synagogue, Jairus, ran up to him and said, “My daughter is at home dying. Please come with me and touch her, for if you do this, surely will she yet live.”




Miracle of Christ - José Teófilo de Jesus (1839)

 This sounded OK to Jesus who started to walk to Jairus’ house. On the way there, one of Jairus’ household slaves showed up and said, “Your daughter is dead. You don’t need Jesus’ help anymore.” Jesus wasn’t ready to give up yet, so he gave Jairus’ hand a little squeeze and said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”

When Jesus and Jairus showed up at the house, a ton of people were already there crying and wailing in grief over the loss of the fair damsel. After Jesus got into the house he said, “Hey, what gives? Why are you all making such a fuss? Clearly this young woman is just sleeping.”

Even though the mourners were upset, the absurdity of what Jesus said was so great they briefly forgot their grief and turned on Jesus. They said all sorts of mean, wicked things like; “You’re joking, right?” “Are you crazy, or just stupid?” “Hey, who let in the moronic asshole?” and “Jesus H Christ! You must be the biggest prick ever born. I mean, in what possible way could anyone find the means to be more insensitive?”

The bible clearly demonstrates that Jesus wasn’t the type to take such abuse lying down. Just think about what he did to those moneychangers at the temple, or that fig tree that failed to fruit out of season. Now, the bible doesn’t say how he did it, but all three accounts (Matthew, Mark, and Luke) agree that Jesus expelled everyone but the dead girl and her parents from the house. I like to think he went all Samson with the jawbone of an ass, but who knows?  In the end, I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway.



Samson with the Jawbone of an Ass
Giorgio Schiavone - (15th Century)

Once the spectators were gone, Jesus knelt down on the side of the bed, took the girl by the hand and said, “Hey, wake up.” Then the girl got out of bed and stood up. Everyone was amazed and Jesus told Jairus’ slaves to get something for the girl to eat.



Voskresheni docheri Iaira - Vasiliy Polenov (1871)



Moral: not even mean words can stop Jesus from dragging girls out of bed.

Ref: Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:22-42, & Luke 8:41-55

Lessons Learned From Masada – A failed uprising rarely goes well for the insurgents

Now, was Jesus really a threat to the safety of the Jewish people?

Roman occupied Israel was a politically volatile place. As soon as Israel was officially absorbed by the Roman Empire around the year 6 AD, the first significant uprising took place, led by Judas of Galilee. Apparently it was ok to be a semi-independent kingdom, but once people had to pay taxes to Rome, there was an immediate movement to rebel against the Roman Empire and expel it from the Holy Land. This movement was called Zealotry.

 

A second insurrection started in 46 AD, once again, in Galilee. This one was called the Jacob and Simon uprising. It lasted two years before the Romans were able to squash it and execute the brothers, Jacob and Simon.

It was between these two rebellions that Jesus was wandering around performing miracles on the Sabbath and preaching all sorts of radical ideas like “love thy neighbor as thyself,” and “it’s more important to forgive than follow the law.” Hell, Jesus’ apostles didn’t even wash their hands. This sort of behavior was clearly leading the people toward revolt! In John 11:47-53 we learn that military action by the Romans was foremost in the minds of the Jewish leadership when they put together their plan to have Jesus executed. They didn’t want him to incite the people to rebellion because they were smart enough to know what would happen to the Jews in open combat against the Roman Empire. Eventually millions of Jews would be killed in rebellions against the Roman Empire, and the entire race was almost wiped out. The Jewish leaders were smart to want to avoid the destruction of their people, and they saw Jesus as a direct threat to the survival of their race.

With the gift of hindsight we can tell that it didn’t do that much good to get rid of Jesus, but it may have delayed the inevitable. In 66 AD, tensions between the Jews, the Greeks, and the Romans led to major unrest in Jerusalem and the Romans sent in the troops. This served to organize the rebellious spirit and kicked off seven years of combat action. The Jews did fairly well for themselves and had several surprisingly successful victories.

However, the Jews were unable to last forever against the might of the Roman Empire and after four years of fighting, the bulk of the Jewish resistance was besieged in Jerusalem. It took the Romans seven months to break Jerusalem, and I think it would have taken much longer if the Jews inside hadn’t been fighting among themselves. For example: a group of zealots in the city set fire to the dry food stores to entice the defenders to fight against the Romans, rather than starve. Yeah. That was probably a bad move.

Now we finally get to Masada. It was a roman fortress that was taken by a group of Jewish rebels called the Sicarii in 66 AD. In 70 AD, this group was joined by other Sicarii who managed to flee the destruction of Jerusalem. Masada was an imposing fortress and there was a lot of other work to do in the Holy Land, destroying the pockets of resistance that weren’t wiped out at Jerusalem. It wasn’t until 73 AD that the Roman governor got around to laying siege to Masada.

Masada is built on an isolated plateau. The cliffs on the East side are about 1,300 feet high, but the West side only has a 300 foot drop: child’s play for the Roman legionnaires. A force of 15,000 converged on Masada to lay siege. These fellows didn’t just sit there and try to starve out the defenders, oh no. They spent three months building a ramp to the top of the plateau. Once the ramp was completed, the Romans broke through the wall and found multiple buildings in flames and only two women and five children alive. Everyone else had either committed suicide or killed each other. It was a nasty mess.

Later uprisings in 117 AD and 132 AD resulted in an almost complete genocide of the Jews and the renaming of the region from Judea to Palaestina.

Morals: Don’t mess with the Romans, and not everyone wants a war.

Ref: John 11:47-53

Note: Because the Americans lanched a preemptive strike against Iraq in 2003 to "save lives," they shouldn't have a problem with the Jewish leadership launching a preemptive strike against Jesus to save lives.  

Mary’s Teaching Moment – Gender roles among Christ’s disciples

So, was Mary Magdalene a hottie, or a “sweet spirit?”

One day Mary Magdalene and Jesus’ apostles were hanging out, sharing their grief over the Savior’s death when suddenly, Jesus appeared before them: like magic. Jesus took this opportunity to do some teaching about nature, answer a few questions about sin, and demand those present go out and preach the gospel. Then Jesus magically disappeared.

No sooner had Jesus departed than the disciples began to cry. They said, “Oh no! How can we possible preach to the gentiles? If they killed Jesus, they are sure to kill us as well!” Good thing Mary was there. She immediately reprimanded the cry-babies by saying, “Stop being such wimps! Christ’s grace will be with you and will protect you. Instead of crying you should be praising His greatness for making you men.”

This speech turned the hearts of the disciples toward good, and they began to calmly discuss Christ and his teachings again. Peter then said to Mary, “We all know that Jesus loved you more than any other woman. Please tell something Jesus taught you that we have never heard.”

This seemed good to Mary so she told the disciples about a vision she received from Christ. This vision was a lesson about the nature of spirit and overcoming wickedness and went on for several pages. However, because the entire text of the Gospel of Mary Magdalene did not survive, we only have fragments of this important vision.

After Mary finished speaking, Andrew piped up saying, “Ok, you all can think whatever you want about the stuff Mary has been saying, but I personally do not believe Jesus said any of it.” Peter piled on by asking the other men, “Do you all really think Jesus spoke to a woman, and not to us? Why would we listen to her? Did Jesus really love her more than us?”

Things were starting to look bad for Mary, but then, Levi spoke up. He said, “Peter, you’ve always been a hot-tempered bastard, and now I see you fighting against Christ’s woman just like one of God’s adversaries. We all know that Christ chose her above all others. Who are you to reject her? Surely the savior knew her well, and for this reason loved her more than any of us. Let us all grow up a little, set aside our jealousy and shame, and go preach the gospel as our Lord commands.”

Then, finally, Jesus’ disciples went out and started to preach the gospel to the world.

Ref: Gospel of Mary Magdalene: Chapters 4-5 & 8-9

Self-Mutilation – More Christ-like than you might think

I once had a buddy point out an attractive girl and say “Hmm Hmm” – then, a minute later, “Man, I need to pluck my eye out.” - true story

Faith in Christ is extremely important. Jesus taught that we much have faith as a little child and that whoever “shall receive” a faithful child, receives Christ.

To impress upon us the importance of faithful children, Jesus taught it is better to have a millstone hung around your neck and be thrown into the sea than offend such a child.

This admonition naturally led into a discussion of self-mutilation. Going to heaven is super important, so if your hand is working to commit sin, you should really cut it off.

If your foot has a tendency toward sin, you better cut that off too.

Finally, if you have a “naughty eye,” pluck it out. If you have an eye that likes to look at bad things like porno, it’s best to violently rip it from its socket.

It’s far better to enter heaven horribly maimed than go to hell where the worms that eat people never die, and the torment of fire never ends. 

Moral: better start chopping!

Ref: Mark 9:37 & Mark 9:42-49

Christmas - Celebrating unexplained pregnancy

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

This is Mary. Mary is 14 years old and is very pretty. Mary goes to St. Joseph and St. Phillip’s Middle School in West Vermont.

Mary doesn’t like school though.

Mary likes to party with the High School kids.

Mary has conservative religious parents who worry about her grades and her choices in friends.

Mary’s parents decide the best thing to do is merry her off to a respectable older man named José.

One day José noticed that Mary was unmistakably pregnant. Mary said it was ok though because she was still a virgin.

José didn’t believe Mary and was upset. He went to talk with Mary’s parents.

Mary’s parents said that Mary would never tell a lie, and that she must have been magically made pregnant by God or something like that.

José and Mary got married in secret so people would think it was José that helped Mary get pregnant.

Eventually Mary gave birth. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. But several decades later, someone wrote that the baby was magic. Perhaps Mary didn’t get pregnant at a drinking party. Perhaps Mary’s parents were right, and Mary was a virgin. Perhaps . . .

Of course Mary wasn’t really that into being a mom, so she hired a nanny and took a job as a “party planner.”

Merry Christmas!