Independence Day: Jehovah is Tougher than Will Smith

The cover art for Independence Day shows an alien spaceship blowing up the White House

In the fourteenth year of King Hezekiah’s reign over Israel the Assyrians invaded. They easily captured all the fortified cities in Judah before showing up outside Jerusalem.

The only way I can think of to properly explain this situation in modern terms is to refer to the 1996 film Independence Day. Yes, the Assyrians were that badass. When they steam-rolled over Judah it was just like all those massive spaceships (15 miles wide) simultaneously destroying Earth’s major population centers. Please imagine the terror of Earth’s population in light of the alien threat when you consider how the people of Jerusalem felt when the Assyrians arrived on their doorstep.

Fortunately, the King of Assyria was far more polite than the aliens in Independence Day and actually spoke to the people of Jerusalem after he arrived. He said, “Hey everyone. Listen up and pay attention! Let’s not be stupid here. You know you are way outclassed. Don’t let King Hezekiah convince you that you have a chance. Don’t let him try to convince you that your god will save you. We have destroyed the peoples of Hamath, Arphad, and Sepharvaim. Their gods did not help them and yours will not be able to save you. Surrender and we will simply relocate you to a place just like the one where you live now; a land of corn and wine, a land of bread and vineyards.”

Unfortunately the Israelis didn’t have Will Smith, Bill Pullman, any fighter jets, or a second-rate rip-off of the “Saint Crispen’s Day” speech from Henry V by William Shakespear. They just had King Hezekiah. Instead of launching a stunning counter attack involving the use of an old alien spacecraft, a computer virus, and a nuclear weapon after learning of the invasion; Hezekiah tore his clothes and went to church.

Here is where we learn Jehovah is better at handling things than Bill Pullman or Will Smith. You see, the Israelis had something those folks in the film didn’t. They had Isaiah. Isaiah was a great prophet of Jehovah and Jehovah heard the Assyrian speech about the Hebrew god being unable to help. This made Jehovah angry. You wouldn’t like Jehovah when he’s angry. Jehovah told his pet prophet Isaiah not to worry about the Assyrians. Isaiah told Hezekiah about Jehovah’s anger and Hezekiah decided to pray. He said to Jehovah, “These Assyrians are not nice. They keep destroying cities and their gods, but those gods aren’t real. They’re just made of wood or stone. You are a real god, so you can save us.”

Angry Jehovah then sent an angel to visit the Assyrian camp. This angel killed 185,000 Assyrians. Just like that: 185,000 dead Assyrians. You thought it was bad when the Assyrians were demolishing Judah, but I guarantee it took months for them to kill that many Hebrews. Jehovah did it like FedEx: overnight.

When the King of Assyria woke up in the morning and saw all his fighting men were dead he decided to abandon his campaign. He went back to Nineveh. You would think the story was over then but it’s not. Angry Jehovah wasn’t done. He made sure that Mr. King of Assyria’s sons killed him and then fled the country.

Yep. Don’t mess with Angry Jehovah.

Ref: Isaiah 36-37