Jesus is such a crybaby
By the time Jesus made it down to Bethany, Lazarus had been dead and entombed for four days. Mary and Martha were busy because apparently they were pretty popular and had tons of well-wishers and such visiting. Martha heard Jesus was coming and booked it straight out of the house to meet him, while lazy Mary just stayed behind on the couch with her friends.
The first thing out of Martha’s mouth when she met Jesus was, “Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died. But I know that even now, whatsoever thou wilt ask of God, God will give it thee.” Because Jesus was only really there to show off he said, “Thy brother shall rise again.” Martha was pretty well educated regarding Jesus’ take on religious so she replied, “Of course I know he will. In the resurrection at the last day, right?”
Jesus, being the egomaniac he was, was deeply offended by Martha’s response. He put his left hand on his hip, z-snapped with his right, and said, “Lissen up beeotch. I am da resurrection. I am da life. Any foo what believe in ME will live even if dey be dead! Any of yous what be livin’ and believin’ in ME ain’t nevah gonna die! Wassah mattah? You no believe beeotch?”
Martha was a little surprised her boyfriend chose to berate her for giving what she thought was the right answer, so she just fell back to the good old strategy of stroking Jesus’ massive ego. She said, “Yes of course. I believe you are the Christ. I believe you are the Son of God we have been waiting for.” Then Martha high tailed it out of there before she could piss off Jesus again and went to fetch her sister.
Mary ran straight out to where Jesus was still standing after his meeting with Martha. Mary threw herself on the ground in front of her Lord and they went through the whole drama of “Oh, no. If you had been here my brother would still be alive, blah, blah, blah.” Then, she started to cry. Jesus wasn’t really in touch with normal people so he was shocked that Mary was crying. Then he noticed all the other mourners were crying too. He really struggled with the idea that all these people didn’t think he was going to snap his magic fingers and make everything better. He was so upset after thinking on this for a while that He started to cry too.
After crying for a while, Jesus finally gave up on his fantasy of walking into town and being met with the cheers of the masses while he led them triumphantly to the tomb before dramatically raising Lazarus from the dead. He didn’t want to back out of the deal though, so he bowed his head and shuffled over to the tomb. Once there, he raised his head and said, “Father, thank you for agreeing to help me bring Lazarus back to life so these people will think I’m cool.” Then Jesus shouted in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come forth.”
After a minute Lazarus stumbled out of the tomb wearing his burial clothes. Everyone watching was surprised because they totally didn’t expect this turn of events and they said, “Wow, Jesus is even more magic than we thought. Cool.” Some of these people ran off to tell their religious leaders about Jesus’ latest magic trick. These religious types were united in the fear that the commoners would listen to Jesus’ teachings and rise up against the government, so they also decided to try and kill Jesus.
Now that Jesus was on the run from the law and organized religion, he reneged on his whole “people that walk in the light won’t have anything bad happen to them” thing. He immediately booked it out of Judea with his apostles again to lay low in Ephraim so everyone that wanted him dead could cool off a little.
Ref: John 11:17-54
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