Saul is really stupid, or is it Yahweh?
For a long time after Moses took the Israelites out of Egypt, they did not have a king. Eventually the little crybabies got tired of all the other nations having kings while they went without. “It’s just not fair” they complained. They organized protests and marches and stuff, all the while trying to bully Yahweh’s favorite prophet, Samuel, into letting them have a king. Samuel was not happy about this and kept trying to convince everyone that kings were bad. They took everyone’s money to make sure they were super rich and they made decisions that weren’t in the best interest of the population like, all the time. They masses didn’t care though. They had decided they wanted a king and nothing Samuel said could dissuade them.
Eventually Samuel prayed to Yahweh and said, “Your people won’t stop bugging me about this king thing. It really hurts my feelings because I am the prophet and want to make sure your prophets are always in charge.” Yahweh responded, “Stop being such a drama queen Samuel. The people aren’t rejecting you anyway. They’re rejecting me. Go ahead and find them a king.” This wasn’t hard for a seer of Samuel’s caliber. He quickly settled on Saul. Saul was not only the “goodliest” person in Israel, he was also the tallest.
After a ton of really boring drama crap that mostly involved threats to the general population, Saul became the undisputed King of Israel. Two years later the Israelites and Philistines were getting ready for a big battle. When Saul’s people noticed how many Philistines had shown up, they kinda freaked out a little and scattered, hiding in “caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits.” Saul was concerned by this, but he waited patiently because Samuel had told him to wait for seven days. At which time, Samuel would offer a sacrifice to Yahweh and then the Israelites would stomp the piss out of the Philistines.
Seven days came and went. Saul was disappointed Samuel hadn’t shown up, but because he felt responsible for his people’s welfare he went ahead and made the burnt offering himself. As soon as the fire died down though, who should arrive but Samuel? Samuel marched right over to Saul, slapped him across the face, and said, “What the fuck man? Are you retarded?”
Saul said, “Well, there were all these Philistines, and you didn’t show up. I knew we needed Yahweh’s help so I made the sacrifice myself.” Samuel replied, “That was really fucking stupid. Yahweh was totally ready to make your kingdom last forever, but because you were so dumb and sacrificed when you weren’t supposed to, now you can’t be king anymore. Yahweh is going to find someone else who isn’t going to make terrible mistakes like this.”
Yes, that’s right. Because Saul asked for help from Yahweh, Yahweh abandoned him. Let this be a lesson to any of you who might be considering asking God for help. DON’T DO IT!
Ref: 1 Samuel 8-13
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