Nicodemus - Jewish Rabbi or kindly old rat?

Every time I think I've found an original story, I turn around and find its inspiration in the bible.

If you have ever seen The Secret of Nimh you should remember Nicodemus. If you haven’t seen it, you can buy it, or rent it through Amazon instant video and watch it right now!

Nicodemus: he's quite nice, honest

Nicodemus is this kindly old rat, who looks and acts super, super scary. Like really freaky. I seriously don’t understand why anyone would subject a child to that level of scary-looking, talking rat. His eyes even glow! I’m talking scary glowing eyes here people! Don Bluth, who directed the whole sordid affair, was clearly either high the whole time or a sadistic nutjob.

In the movie, Nicodemus tells a story about how he and his fellow smart rats were captured and taken to a secret laboratory where they were given all sorts of cool drugs and became super smart. Of course, as a fan of the bible I know this to be false. Nicodemus became smart because he was personally instructed by Jesus himself.

Nicodemus (before he became a rat) was an important teacher at the time of Christ. One night Nicodemus approached Jesus and said, “Ok, so you can do all these miracles, and we know that miracles come from God, so you are clearly a teacher, come from God.” This sounded OK to Jesus who, rather awkwardly, pronounced, “Listen up. Unless a man is born twice, he can’t go to heaven.”

Nicodemus still wasn’t smart at that time, so he didn’t understand and said, “Really? That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. A man can’t be born again once he’s old. There is no way he could climb back up through his mother’s vagina into her uterus to be born a second time. The man is too big, and the vagina is too small.”

Jesus expected Nicodemus’ ignorance and was prepared. Jesus said, “No, a man must ALSO be born of the water and the spirit to go to heaven. Vaginal birth is the physical kind. The second birth must be spiritual. You look confused; let me explain: You can hear the wind blowing, but you can’t see it. People who are born of the spirit at the same way; you can hear them, but not see them.”

This still wasn’t working for Nicodemus who said, “Seriously? Can you hear yourself? That makes less than zero sense. I can see all the real people. If you have invisible people following you around you either have a seriously overactive imagination or have gone quite mad.”

By this point Jesus was starting to get frustrated and snapped back, “Art thou a master of Israel, and knowest not these things? I keep telling you the truth about the physical world and you don’t believe me. Why would you believe anything I saw about the spiritual world? Nobody ever goes to heaven without first coming to earth from heaven. Even the son of God had to come down to Earth from heaven!”

Jesus continued, “Moses had to lift a snake in the wilderness so people would look at it and not be killed by God. Just the same, the son of God will be lifted up and everyone that believes in him will never die. I didn’t come to Earth to destroy it, but to save it.”

Then Jesus and his buddies left Nicodemus standing there and walked to the land of Judæa (in the middle of the night, apparently).

Ref: John 3:1-15

Moral: Invisible people, WTF?

God Hates Esau – Dragons are trouble

It is scientific fact

When the word of God came to Malachi it was mostly about how the naughty Jews were going to be punished and how the world would be burned someday to kill all the wicked. God did say something cool to Malachi that teaches us a lot about the history of the earth and supports the fact that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

God said to Malachi, “Hey you remember Abraham’s grandkids, Jacob and his brother Esau? Well, I just loved Jacob to death. Esau though; that’s a different story. I hated that stupid rat-bastard. I hated him so much that I destroyed his mountains and all his land. I jacked up the area where his descendants lived so badly that only dragons could live there.”

That’s right: dragons. Most of the English translations floating around nowadays use the phrase “desert jackals” in place of “dragons of the wilderness,” but that’s just silly. In Latin, the phrase is “dracones deserti.” Dracones doesn’t mean jackals. It means dragons.

Because we love the bible AND science lets work this out together: the only dragons still around today are Komodo Dragons, but because they only live on a couple of Indonesian islands it’s unlikely that God had them displace Esau’s descendants in the Near East. The only bones anyone ever finds that seem all dragonish are what we call “dinosaur bones.” This is an obvious misnomer. They are actually dragon bones and are not from millions of years ago. Dragons were created by God at the same time as all the other animals and were still around in great numbers in 430 BC when God was talking to Malachi about them.

Still believe in evolution? Suck on this!



Image taken from www.dailysquib.co.uk



Ref: Malachi 1:2-3

Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Giant Animals of Destruction – For the exclusive use of Satan and Saturday morning cartoons

Voltron: Defender of the Universe

Voltron: seen here in both
assembled and disassembled forms



Voltron is the name of a giant fighting robot that protects the galaxy from the forces of evil. Voltron is made up of five giant robot lions/spaceships that are piloted by the Voltron Force. When there is a challenge to galactic safety so great that the five giant robot lions and their pilots can’t solve, they combine into the fighting robot Voltron who always saves the day. Voltron was the subject of an animated TV series that ran in syndication from September 1984 to November 1985.

Remember: giant animal robots fight the forces of evil.

The Revelation of St. John the Divine is located at the end of the New Testament because it deals with vague promises of future events: mostly images of death of destruction prior to the return of the Messiah and the end of the world. Prior to “the end,” in Revelation chapters 12 and 13 John recounts his visions of giant animals.

The Heros of Voltron Force



First John saw a great Dragon fighting against God and His angels in heaven, but the dragon was too weak by itself and was cast down to earth. I can only assume the dragon was fighting to keep God from destroying the Earth and killing its inhabitants. Too bad he hadn’t been watching Voltron: Defender of the Universe because then the poor giant animal would have known that a solo pilot with a giant robot animal can never win alone.

Fortunately, new giant animals arrived on the scene to help. St. John saw them in his vision. He said, “I was standing on the beach when I saw a new giant animal come up out of the sea. It had seven heads and ten horns. It looked like a leopard with bear feet and a lion’s mouth. I saw it converse with the dragon and it was obvious they were friends. Then the leopard-like beast opened its mouth and started saying mean things about God. It said God was going to destroy the Earth and that we all needed to work together to save the planet from God.”

Then St. John saw the third and final Beast: “I saw another beast come up out of the ground. It was super cool and could breathe fire and stuff. It used its powers like the leopard beast to convince people to fight against God.”

The three giant beasts combined together to form the Master of Sky, Earth, and Water (MSEW). For a while it looked like the Earth would be saved but, because this is real life and not some cheesy cartoon MSEW was only able to stave off the destruction of God for 42 months before it lost all its power and was killed.

Moral: It’s nice to want to save people from God, but it just doesn’t work out.

Ref: Revelation 12-13

Divorce and Castration – They’re both painful

Castration to appease God is way better than castration to impress your friends

One time when Jesus was teaching and healing the infirm near the Judean coast when a group of hoity toity Pharisees (good, God-fearing folk) showed up to cause trouble. The Pharisees asked Jesus if divorce was OK. Jesus was a good Roman Catholic boy so he wasn’t a big fan of divorce and said, “Um, if you like look in the scriptures, and stuff; you will totally find that God like, made a dude and a chick and told them they had to “one flesh” it up. If you think about it, that like, totally means they aren’t flying solo anymore. It’s not up to men to divide what God joined together.”

The Pharisees were upset (as per the norm) that Jesus was teaching crap that contradicted the Holy Scriptures so they said, “If that’s true, why did God give Moses detailed instructions on how to properly execute divorce proceedings?” Jesus responded, “Man, I tell you what; back in those days God was super bueno with divorce due to the hardness of your hearts, man. Now that we live in the new era I’m tellin’ ya: all the peeps what get divorced are totally committing adultery. I mean, unless the lady is steppin’ out on you. Then it’s ok, ‘cause who needs a ho-bag like that hangin’ around?”

Then Jesus’ disciples joined the conversation saying: “If that’s the rule now, it’s got to be way better to just not get married.” Jesus liked the sound of that, but being a really practical guy realized that dudes like the ladies and said, “Well, not all the dudes can handle the celibacy, man. Some guys ain’t got no junk ‘cause they wasn’t born with it. Then some other dudes had their junk taken from them with a knife or sharp rock or summin’ like that, so they’re good. There’s only, like, a few ‘specially radical dudes who can live junkless by their own choice! I mean anybody what can live junkless totally should though, because it’s WAY better than getting hitched when you ain’t got no recourse for divorce.”

Note: some people think the self-inflicted eunuch-ism Jesus was talking about is a metaphor for celibate living. I don’t buy it: when you’re really big on circumcision, castration is the next logical step in the direction of righteousness.

Ref: Matthew 19:1-12

Rules for Raping Virgins – Law makes order from chaos

Sometimes you aren’t required to blame the victim

In the case of rape, the bible requires that both the rapist and victim die by stoning if the victim is married. You know, to keep the ickyness of rape from contaminating the community.

That seems fine, but what about unmarried women? As far as I can tell, it’s ok to rape an unmarried non-virgin: probably because the chick in that situation doesn’t have any marriage potential or monetary value. The complications arise when raping a virgin. If a man is caught in the act of raping a virgin, he is then required to pay the girl’s father 50 shekels of silver and marry the girl. I’m not sure if this is a punishment or a reward. It could be, “You raped Sarah the daughter of Seth, so now you have to pay off Seth and you’re stuck with Sarah forever.” Or it could be a good way to pick out a new wife without having to get her father’s permission: “I don’t like you Seth. You are a stupid piece of crap and I would never have allowed you to marry my daughter, but since you raped her now I have no choice. Here is your new bride.”

Now you may say, “What if the virgin is already betrothed to someone? If you made her marry the rapist that wouldn’t be fair to the guy that had already arranged to marry her and paid the bride price?” Fortunately Jehovah thought of that too. If someone rapes a betrothed virgin in a city, then it’s the victim’s fault because she didn’t yell loud enough to attract someone that could protect her from the rape. In that case, both the rapist and victim are taken outside the city gate and everyone throws rocks at them until they die.

That may seem unfair, but Jehovah isn’t a monster. If the betrothed virgin is raped out in a field somewhere, the law understands that it isn’t her fault. You see, there aren’t enough people around for her to call successfully for help. In this case only the rapist is stoned to death.

Sadly, the “rape in a field” rule doesn’t bring me a lot of comfort. Once the girl is no longer a virgin the bridegroom can get out of marrying her because he paid for a virgin. Then the victim is an unmarried non-virgin and I’m pretty sure the only job she could get after that is in the respectable field of prostitution. Then I wonder if that is how all biblical prostitutes get started on their career path. Also: please refer to the section of the second paragraph dealing with non-married, non-virgins.

Moral: Jehovah came up with some pretty great rules for dealing with rape in a large community setting.

Ref: Deuteronomy 22:22-29

Sign Seeking – Music is Evil

Who else loves Swedish pop groups?

Jesus said “A wicked and adulterous generation asks for a sign! But none will be given it except the sign of the prophet Jonah.” Believe it or not, this is an important thing to remember when making listening choices.



Drake Bell - You can tell he's
evil. Just look at the hair.

 For example, Drake Bell’s ballad to an unnamed girl titled I Know says “Baby, give me a sign, give me a reason, make up your mind.” In fact, Drake sings those words THREE times in a single song.
Fortunately, because of Jesus’ teachings we know that Drake Bell is EVIL and to preserve ourselves, we should not listen to his music. We must not pay attention to the last line in the song, “I’m out of my mind in love with you.” If it weren’t for Jesus we might think this was a nice song to a girl that Drake was courting, but thankfully we know better!


Issa went so far as to actually give a song the title Give Me a Sign. At first glance it seems like a guy who is in a troubled relationship wants to work things out, but he wants a “sign” that his girlfriend wants to keep things going too. Because of Jesus, we know this is EVIL and we should avoid Issa too. 



Issa - Obviously Evil



Now, the Swedish band Ace of Base is not widely considered a “Christian” band; but by examining the lyrics of their title The Sign we can see that not only are they devoted, they are God’s chosen prophets. The line “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign” proves it.

Jesus said the sign of the prophet Jonah was the only sign anyone could ever receive. What’s the sign of Jonah you ask? “For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.” Yep, the only possible sign is that the Son of Man (Jesus) would die, be buried, and come back to life three days later. The members of Ace of Base clearly saw this sign. We can accept these particular Swedes were not alive 2,000 years ago so they only way they possibly could see the sign would be through a prophetic vision given by God.



Ace of Base - Clearly Rightous

To spread the good word of Christ’s resurrection as widely as possible, Ace of Base wrote the song The Sign assuming that everyone would already know the only possible sign is the resurrection. Because of the importance of the message, the album Happy Nation/The Sign was the first debut album to have three top 40 number 1 singles, including The Sign. The album went on to become one of the best selling debut albums of all time and was certified nine times platinum in the United States. This helped Ace of Base become the third most successful band from Sweden of all time.

Moral: using music to express the truthfulness of Christ’s resurrection is a great way to make loads of cash.

Ref: Matthew 12:39-40

The Covenant of Abraham – The road to Hell is paved with good intentions

Being best friends with a god is pretty swell, just remember they don’t have the same sense of morality as us poor mortals.

Once upon a time Jehovah had a best friend named Abram. They really were the very bestest of friends. Jehovah liked Abram so much He wrote a song called “You’re My Best Friend.” Several thousand years later Queen stole this song and changed the word “bro” in the third stanza to “girl” to make it sound less gay. Here is a sample of the lyrics:

You're the best friend
that I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
You're my best friend

One day Jehovah was walking through Canaan with his buddy Abram and decided to give Abram a gift. He said, “You see all the land from Egypt to the Euphrates River? In the far future this land will bear many names, like Palestine, Saudi Arabia, Oman, Yemen, Turkey, Iraq, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Bahrain, Qatar, and a few others I can’t think of right now. For now we’ll call it ‘the whole land of Canaan.’ I will make your descendents into a great people who will live in all this land forever. It’s a gift.”

Jehovah continued: “Oh, I’m gonna have to change your name to Abraham because I’m making you into a father of nations and to make sure I always remember to help out your descendants they’re going to have to practice male genital mutilation. Don’t worry about it too much. It’s just a little snip and you can do it right after the boys are born so they aren’t traumatized forever by having some dude play with their junk and a sharp rock.”

This was all great for a while, but a few short millennia later Jehovah got really mad at the “seed” of Abraham. He decided they weren’t worshiping Him enough, so He made Nebuchadrezzar, the king of Babylon, completely destroy the Hebrew nation. Those not killed by the Babylonians were taken away from “the whole land of Canaan” and taken to Babylon, effectively reneging on the whole “Covenant of Abraham” thing; too bad, so sad.

Moral: even the great Jehovah will abandon a promise if sufficiently provoked. Don’t dick around with Jesus.

Ref: Genesis 12-17 & Jeremiah 25:8-11

False Prophets – People who prophesy falsely

Why won’t the stupid world just END already?

People have been predicting the second coming of Christ for about 2,000 years now. Even Jesus himself said, “Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done” (Mark 13:30 – KJV) when talking about the end of the world. He also said, “Verily I say unto you, That there be some of them that stand here, which shall not taste of death, till they have seen the kingdom of God come with power” (Mark 9:1 – JKV). Furthermore, when God is talking in Revelation 3:11 He says, “Behold, I come quickly: hold that fast which thou hast, that no man take thy crown” (KJV).

It should hardly be surprising that prophesies started to pour in shortly after the crucifixion. Throughout the past couple of decades it seems about twice a year we have some story in the news about an impending end of the world prediction. I started to look around for some of these and stumbled on a website that lists more than 200 such predictions and is by no means comprehensive.

There is just one problem with this. Jehovah told us very clearly that prior to the “last days” of the earth all the prophets would be taken from the earth.

Zechariah 13:2 (ISV) "At that time," declares the LORD of the Heavenly Armies, "I will eliminate the names of the idols from the land, and they will not be remembered anymore. I will also force both prophet and demon to leave the land.

Then Jehovah said anyone who prophesies that the “end is near” should be killed by his/her parents!

Zechariah 13:3 (ISV) - It will also come about that if any man would dare to prophesy, then his father and his mother who bore him will respond to him, 'You will not live, because you are speaking lies in the name of the LORD.' Then his father and mother who bore him will stab him for prophesying.  NOTE: this is referring to the “last days” after God pulls out all the prophets.

Furthermore, Jehovah also promised to personally punish all false prophets, not just those that predict the end.

Jeremiah 29: 20-21 (NLT) - Therefore, listen to this message from the LORD, all you captives there in Babylon. This is what the LORD of Heaven's Armies, the God of Israel, says about your prophets--Ahab son of Kolaiah and Zedekiah son of Maaseiah--who are telling you lies in my name: "I will turn them over to Nebuchadnezzar for execution before your eyes.

Jeremiah 29:30-32 (NLT) - Then the LORD gave this message to Jeremiah: "Send an open letter to all the exiles in Babylon. Tell them, 'This is what the LORD says concerning Shemaiah the Nehelamite: Since he has prophesied to you when I did not send him and has tricked you into believing his lies, I will punish him and his family. None of his descendants will see the good things I will do for my people, for he has incited you to rebel against me. I, the LORD, have spoken!'"

Wait, false prophets and their families are punished? Holy crap! Didn’t we start by listing a few false prophesies made by Jesus Christ himself? Does this mean God should be punishing himself, or was it ok for Jesus to prophesy falsely because he was “sent” by his father?

I’m confused.