Midianite Genocide – Moses makes sure things are done properly

I wonder if Midianite women had a reputation for sexual prowess

You may not remember this, but when Moses fled Egypt to escape the criminal justice system he took refuge in Midian. While he was there he married a young Midianite woman named Zipporah, daughter of Jethro. Given Moses’ past relationship with Midian, it might surprise you to learn that when the Hebrew migration passed near Midian, Jehovah commanded Moses to wipe out the Midianites.

Apparently the Midianites were pretty weak sauce because Moses only sent 12,000 fighting men; 1,000 from each tribe. After the Hebrew heroes finished the long walk to Midian, they wasted no time in killing all the men. Then they took all the women and children captive, gathered up all the livestock and valuables, and burned every building in the country before returning to report to Moses.
 

When Moses received the war report he was furious. He said to the military leaders, “You didn’t kill the women? Are you crazy or just stupid? Don’t you realize that when Jehovah says he wants genocide, he actually wants genocide? Do you want Jehovah to kill us for not following orders?”

Moses immediately launched his plan of remediation. He had his people kill all the male Midianite children and all the women who failed the virginity check, and commanded that all the young virgins be immediately married to their captors.
 

This was a good start, but it wasn’t quite enough for the Lord. Jehovah spoke to Moses again with some additional steps: “Divide all the loot from Midian into two equal parts, divide one part among those who went to Midian to fight, and the other part among those who stayed behind. Then from the fighting men’s half, take one in every 500 young virgins and animals to the temple, along with one in 50 animals and virgins from the half for those who didn’t fight. Then sacrifice all those virgins and animals as a formal apology for not committing genocide properly and give all the looted money to the priest.

 

A total of 32,000 virgin Midianite girls survived the slaughter of their families. Of these, 352 virgins perished over the next several days as sacrifices to the Lord along with almost 9,000 animals. After the money was all collected, it was made into a memorial for the People of Israel.

 

Moral: Jehovah doesn’t like people messing with his genocide

Ref: Numbers 31

Mockers in the Last Days – Jude’s warning to the world

How would anyone know if God approves of chocolate anyway?

Many of Christ’s early followers were concerned about “the end of times.” Not much has changed since then. In fact, the biggest change is probably that discussions concerning the “final days” are no longer canonized as scripture.



The Apocalypse: Armageddon

Here’s the point: Jude had a very important warning for his fellow believers who would still be alive in the days prior to the apocalypse. “Watch out. Before the end, there will be people who make fun of you.”

Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, Jude added “These people will do stuff they enjoy, without checking with God first to make sure it’s ok! They will even live their lives separate from the followers of Christ!”

Now that is scary! People who follow after their own desires: they might even eat chocolate!

Image taken from girlfromarabia.com

Moral: there is no pit deep enough, or mountain tall enough to hide you from chocolate lovers!

Ref: Jude 1:17-19

But, beloved, remember ye the words which were spoken before by the apostles of our Lord Jesus Christ; that they told you there would be mockers in the last time, who would walk after their own ungodly lusts. These are they who separate themselves, sensual, having not the Spirit. (Jude 1:17-19, WBT)

Sodom and Gomorrah – Valuing obesity over charity

No matter how you look at it, what happened to Sodom and Gomorrah was pretty terrible

In Ezekiel chapter 16, Ezekiel serves as the mouthpiece of the Lord, directly conveying the words of God to us from the dust of ages past. The chapter focuses primarily on the people of Jerusalem and how awful they were for worshiping other gods. You can read more about it here.

The focus of this post is not about how God chose to punish the sinners of Jerusalem 2,500 years ago. Instead, I’d like to introduce a piece of often overlooked wisdom.

Behold, this was the iniquity of thy sister Sodom, pride, fulness of bread, and abundance of idleness was in her and in her daughters, neither did she strengthen the hand of the poor and needy. (Ezekiel 16:49, JKV)

Here’s the deal: back, like forever ago, Jehovah rained down fire from heaven to destroy the twin cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. It’s pretty generally accepted that Sodom was destroyed because Jehovah doesn’t like sodomy. In fact, that’s where the word sodomy originates. Of course the bible never actually specifies the act of anal sex, but there is this bit in Sodom where a mob of unruly men attempted (unsuccessfully) to gang rape a couple of angels. That happened after Jehovah had already decided to destroy the city though. You can read more about it here.



The Destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah - Pieter Schoubroeck (16th century)

Words like “iniquity” and “abomination” are used to describe why Sodom was destroyed. Those are pretty general, but Christians in general think the word “abomination” refers to anal sex. The only thing I can think of that could drive the association is the attempted gang rape. However, there is TONS of rape in the bible and a fair amount of it is gang rape. None of those other places of rape got torched; presumably because it was guy on girl rape, but I’m not entirely convinced.


This Levite just found his concubine on the doorstep, where she
managed to drag herself before dying after a long night
of especially brutal rape by a gang of biblical miscreants



The only place in the bible I can find that uses really specific language to describe the sins of Sodom and Gomorrah is in the above quoted scripture where The Great God Himself says the iniquity (or abomination) of Sodom was pride, gluttony, laziness, and a failure to care properly for the poor and needy.

Yeah, Jehovah totally torched Sodom and Gomorrah because the non-poor were fat and lazy while the poor went hungry.

Note: according to the USDA, almost 15% of American households experience “food insecurity” every year. These households are uncertain of having, or unable to acquire, enough food to meet the needs of all their members because they had insufficient money or other resources for food.

  

Please take the time to visit http://feedingamerica.org/ or http://thehungersite.greatergood.com/ to learn how you can help combat hunger.

Jairus’ Daughter – Jesus raises a lovely young woman from the dead

“Stay alive! No matter how long it takes, no matter how far, Jesus will find you.” -Hawkeye

One day when Jesus was doing a whole bunch of miracle working, the head of the local synagogue, Jairus, ran up to him and said, “My daughter is at home dying. Please come with me and touch her, for if you do this, surely will she yet live.”




Miracle of Christ - José Teófilo de Jesus (1839)

 This sounded OK to Jesus who started to walk to Jairus’ house. On the way there, one of Jairus’ household slaves showed up and said, “Your daughter is dead. You don’t need Jesus’ help anymore.” Jesus wasn’t ready to give up yet, so he gave Jairus’ hand a little squeeze and said, “Be not afraid, only believe.”

When Jesus and Jairus showed up at the house, a ton of people were already there crying and wailing in grief over the loss of the fair damsel. After Jesus got into the house he said, “Hey, what gives? Why are you all making such a fuss? Clearly this young woman is just sleeping.”

Even though the mourners were upset, the absurdity of what Jesus said was so great they briefly forgot their grief and turned on Jesus. They said all sorts of mean, wicked things like; “You’re joking, right?” “Are you crazy, or just stupid?” “Hey, who let in the moronic asshole?” and “Jesus H Christ! You must be the biggest prick ever born. I mean, in what possible way could anyone find the means to be more insensitive?”

The bible clearly demonstrates that Jesus wasn’t the type to take such abuse lying down. Just think about what he did to those moneychangers at the temple, or that fig tree that failed to fruit out of season. Now, the bible doesn’t say how he did it, but all three accounts (Matthew, Mark, and Luke) agree that Jesus expelled everyone but the dead girl and her parents from the house. I like to think he went all Samson with the jawbone of an ass, but who knows?  In the end, I suppose it doesn’t really matter anyway.



Samson with the Jawbone of an Ass
Giorgio Schiavone - (15th Century)

Once the spectators were gone, Jesus knelt down on the side of the bed, took the girl by the hand and said, “Hey, wake up.” Then the girl got out of bed and stood up. Everyone was amazed and Jesus told Jairus’ slaves to get something for the girl to eat.



Voskresheni docheri Iaira - Vasiliy Polenov (1871)



Moral: not even mean words can stop Jesus from dragging girls out of bed.

Ref: Matthew 9:18-26, Mark 5:22-42, & Luke 8:41-55

How to Deal With a Rebellious Son – City Elders

Who needs juvie when you have rocks?

If a man have stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard. And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Moral: “so shalt thou put evil away from among you”

Ref: Deuteronomy 21:18-21