Lot and His Family - Incestuous Rape is the Preferred Sin

Because we need to learn from the book on which people like to base their moraility.

Lot (Abraham's nephew) was hanging out by the city gate one afternoon when he saw two dudes in sharp clothes walk into town. Lot asked them to hang out his place. The sharp dudes didn’t want to at first, but Lot talked them into it and made them some bread.

Then all the horny guys from town showed up and asked Lot to send out the dudes in sharp clothes for a twisted rape/orgy. Lot wasn't so sure about that so he told the crowd he had two virgin daughters they could rape instead. I guess the daughters were dog ugly ‘cause the crowd still wanted the dudes. When the mob tried to break down Lot’s door they all went blind and couldn’t figure out where the door was. Then the sharp dudes told Lot to get out of town because God was going to melt it. You see God had decided that Lot and his family were really good people who needed to be saved. (God doesn't usually have a problem when a father offers his daughters to a horny mob for an all night gang rape.)

So Lot, his wife and the ugly virgins booked it out of town, but the dumb wife looked to see what a melting city looks like, and the sight made her turn into salt (because God is an asshole that likes to turn people into salt).

God: "Y'all are dumb as a doorknob. You gonna be some f@&%ing salt! Mawhahaha"

After the salt incident Lot and his daughters moved into a cave. The daughters didn’t think this was particularly awesome, so they decided to get pregnant because that always fixes everything. They sorted out a plan to get dad so drunk he didn’t know what was going on, then have sex with him; props to Lot for being able to maintain an erection after passing out drunk.

So the ugly virgins got pregnant on the first try (they must have had ancient ovulation pee sticks), then they got to live in a cave with their dad and two crying kids. See how getting pregnant fixes things?


Ref: Genesis 19:1-36


Note: I image that if ancient authorities received an anonymous tip about incest/child abuse in a cave and went to investigate, Lot would have to come up with a pretty convincing story to keep himself out of jail. I'm sure most of you readers have a pretty good idea of how incestuous child rapists are treated by the other inmates.