The Epic Tale of Job: Part 2 – From bad to worse to awesome

It’s ok if Job is a dick to his wife, as long as he still loves God

So the next time Elohim and Lucifer met (which I imagine was to play chess in the park as seen in the 2000 remake of Bedazzled) Elohim said, “Ha ha looser. Check it out. Even though you convinced me to destroy Job’s wealth and family for no reason whatsoever he still loves me.” Predictably, Lucifer was unconvinced. He said to Elohim, “Yeah of course. Anyone would give all they had to preserve their own life and Job was perfectly aware that if he complained about you, you would kill him. If you destroy Job’s health, then he will curse you.”

This sounded reasonable to Elohim who said, “Ok, fine. Let’s do this your way. We’ll just keep dicking with Job until you admit that I’m right and you’re wrong.” So Job developed severe boils. These really hurt and Job was covered from head to toe, including the bottoms of his feet. Ouch! Job’s wife was still alive here and she said, “Hey dumbass. What’s wrong with you? Clearly God is out to get you. You should just curse his name and die.” Job responded to this provocation by saying, “You’re talking just like anyone would expect someone as stupid and useless as a woman to talk. It’s perfectly obvious that because God does good unto us, he also does evil; duh!”

Then from chapter 3 through chapter 37 Job complains about how much his life sucks, he talks about how awesome God is, his friends tell him he is a sinner who needs to repent, and he says he is innocent. That’s 35 chapters of the most boring, inane crap in the entire bible. It’s seriously really bad. Then in Job 38 Elohim starts talking to Job. He goes on for three chapters about how awesome he is and FINALLY in Chapter 42 things turn around.

After talking with God, Job felt compelled to repent for not fully understanding God’s awesomeness. Then Elohim started to fix things for Job by first chastising Job’s friends for giving him a hard time and demanding they repent. Elohim finished up by giving Job exactly twice as many animals and servants as he had before and gave him another seven sons and three daughters. This time though, the daughters were much more attractive (ref:  Job 42:15).

Moral: If you are good then Lucifer will convince Elohim to dick with you, but you’ll come out ahead in the end because your new set of daughters will be better looking.

Ref: Job chapters 2-42