God Hates Esau – Dragons are trouble

It is scientific fact

When the word of God came to Malachi it was mostly about how the naughty Jews were going to be punished and how the world would be burned someday to kill all the wicked. God did say something cool to Malachi that teaches us a lot about the history of the earth and supports the fact that the Earth is only 6,000 years old.

God said to Malachi, “Hey you remember Abraham’s grandkids, Jacob and his brother Esau? Well, I just loved Jacob to death. Esau though; that’s a different story. I hated that stupid rat-bastard. I hated him so much that I destroyed his mountains and all his land. I jacked up the area where his descendants lived so badly that only dragons could live there.”

That’s right: dragons. Most of the English translations floating around nowadays use the phrase “desert jackals” in place of “dragons of the wilderness,” but that’s just silly. In Latin, the phrase is “dracones deserti.” Dracones doesn’t mean jackals. It means dragons.

Because we love the bible AND science lets work this out together: the only dragons still around today are Komodo Dragons, but because they only live on a couple of Indonesian islands it’s unlikely that God had them displace Esau’s descendants in the Near East. The only bones anyone ever finds that seem all dragonish are what we call “dinosaur bones.” This is an obvious misnomer. They are actually dragon bones and are not from millions of years ago. Dragons were created by God at the same time as all the other animals and were still around in great numbers in 430 BC when God was talking to Malachi about them.

Still believe in evolution? Suck on this!



Image taken from www.dailysquib.co.uk



Ref: Malachi 1:2-3

Joseph is Still a Jerk – Family first

Why start out nice when you can be mean first and nice later?

Because Jehovah only provided a way for the Egyptians to have food during the seven year drought, but still afflicted the surrounding areas with a massive food shortage, a lot of people went hungry. Joseph’s family back in Canaan was among that group. As part of Joseph’s plan to accumulate all the money in the known world he was selling grain to these non-Egyptian type people.

Once Joseph’s father Jacob/Israel heard about the food sale he sent ten of his remaining eleven sons to go buy some. He didn’t send Benjamin because he was afraid something could happen to the sons and he would lose his other boy from his favorite wife, Rachel. When the 10 brothers arrived in Egypt, for some reason they had a personal audience with Joseph to buy grain instead of dealing with in intermediary. I reckon it’s because it makes the story better.

Of course Joseph recognized his brothers, but did not reveal his identity to them. Instead he accused them of being spies and had them thrown into prison. Of course they brothers said they weren’t spies and told Joseph all about their family, their father, all his wives, and their brother Benjamin.

After three days Joseph released nine of them and sold them the grain on the condition that they bring Benjamin back to Egypt with them to prove they were telling the truth. Then he promised to release the still imprisoned brother (Simeon) and sell them more grain. Joseph wasn’t done acting weird yet though. He had one of his slaves hide the money the brothers used to buy the grain in their grain sacks.

Here’s the problem. Jacob/Israel refused to let Benjamin go to Egypt to get Simeon back because he was still all hung up on the whole “son of Rachel” thing. That’s right; Jacob/Israel chose to let Simeon rot in an Egyptian prison.

I’m sure that would have been the end of it, but the grain ran out. Eventually hunger drove Jacob/Israel to agree to let Benjamin go to Egypt. This time Joseph was super nice to them; especially to his little brother Benjamin. Once again Joseph had a slave hide the money in the grain sacks, but this time Joseph also had the slave hide a super fancy silver cup in Benjamin’s sack. After the brothers put a little distance between themselves and the grain dispensary, Joseph sent some of his people to search the sacks, find the cup and arrest Benjamin.

The brothers were afraid to return to their father without Benjamin and went straight back to meet with Joseph. Judah begged Joseph to make him a slave and let Benjamin go because he was afraid his father would die if Benjamin didn’t make it back home. After the brothers described how the situation tore their father apart emotionally and how hard it was on him to only have one of his sons from his favorite wife, Joseph started to cry. He revealed himself to his brothers at last and invited them to all move to Egypt where they, their father, and their mothers would be well taken care of, because Joseph was super rich and would look after them.

Note: I wonder if having Jehovah’s favor makes it so you must dick with your family before hooking them up with food, or if it just makes it OK.

Ref: Genesis 43-45

Joseph the Favorite – Watch out for mob justice

I’m pretty sure the coat wasn’t really the reason

If you remember, Jacob/Israel’s favorite wife was Rachel. We don’t have the ages of the Egyptian slaves Jacob made babies with, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that Rachel was the youngest and prettiest. After all, she was Jacob’s hottest cousin and was the one he wanted to marry when he was a bachelor. All the other wives kept making babies while Rachel remained barren for years. Of course I maintain that Rachel was simply too young to reproduce. In any case, after years of non-reproductive sex, Rachel finally had a son and named him Joseph.

Jacob had already several sons by that time, but Joseph was immediately his favorite. When Rachel died giving birth to Benjamin it really cemented Jacob’s preference for Joseph and, to a lesser extent, Benjamin. Jacob even made Joseph a special coat using several different types of dye, which was really expensive. This would have been fine except Joseph knew he was the favorite and was a total smart ass, rubbing it in his brothers’ faces all the time.

One day when they all get together to hang out, Joseph told them some crazy stories about “dreams” he had. The first story was that when Joseph and his brothers were binding sheaves in the field and all of a sudden Joseph’s sheaf stood up and all his brother’s sheaves started to worship it. Then Joseph told a second story that the sun (his father), moon (his mother), and eleven stars (his brothers) all bowed down and worshiped him.

These stories didn’t just break the camel’s back; they squished the poor animal flat. It shouldn’t surprise you that later, when Jacob sent Joseph to check on his brothers who were out working (Joseph never worked), the brothers decided to kill him. They were going to go through with it too, until Reuben (the oldest) said that it would be bad karma to kill him themselves and instead they should just leave him in a pit to die. So, Joseph went into a pit and the brothers took his coat, ripped it up and smeared blood on it so they could tell their father that Joseph was killed by a wild animal.

This probably would have been the end of it, but when some slave traders passed by Judah saw a way to make a quick buck. Instead of leaving Joseph to die, his brothers sold him to the slavers for 20 pieces of silver. If you think “20 pieces of silver” shows up a lot in the bible, you’re right.

Moral: if you are an ass all the time, not even being daddy’s favorite will save you from some good ‘ol fashion frontier justice.

Ref: Genesis 37

Reuben and Bilhah – A full-sized scandal

I really can’t say that I blame them

Jacob was one of the most significant characters in the Old Testament. He was the grandson of Abraham and the Father of that one guy Joseph, who had the coat of many colors. From Jacob’s 12 sons came the 12 tribes of Israel. Reuben was the firstborn of Jacob. Two or three years after Reuben was born, Jacob’s second wife Rachel gave her personal slave to Jacob for sex/reproduction because Rachel wasn’t getting pregnant. This slave was named Bilhah. Jacob had two sons with Bilhah, Dan and Naphtali.

After Rachel started having children (which I argue was because she finally hit puberty) Jacob didn’t have a need for Bilhah anymore. You see, Jacob had enough wives that he didn’t need Bilhah for sex and he was only screwing her to help out his favorite wife, Rachel who took Bilhah’s children for herself. Besides, Bilhah wasn’t a close relative of Jacob’s by blood, so he just wasn’t that into her.

Disclaimer: The bible is really short on detail regarding Reuben and Bilhah’s relationship so I’ve had to assume a lot of stuff to be able to tell this story.

Jacob’s favorite wife Rachel was a total bitch. She was selfish and mean. For example: when Reuben went out into the field to collect mandrakes, Rachel noticed and demanded that Reuben’s mom, Leah, give her those mandrakes. So we know that Rachel was mean to Reuben. We also know that Bilhah didn’t ever choose to have sex with Jacob. Rachel forced her into the arrangement so she could take the resulting babies for herself. That seems pretty crappy. Therefore, Reuben and Bilhah had this common dislike for Rachel that served as the basis for their early relationship.

Because Bilhah was a slave, Jacob’s other wives felt they were much too high-class to be friends with her. Bilhah was only good for emptying chamber pots, serving as a surrogate, and breast feeding. Bilhah ended up spending most of her free time with the children and because Reuben was the oldest they developed a close relationship. Initially their friendship was based on a mutual dislike for Rachel, but eventually they were able to find common interests in raising sheep and making cheese.

When Reuben was going through puberty he had a lot of questions. Because his father was so busy and he didn’t have any other adolescents around, Reuben ended up talking about gender differences and his physical changes with Bilhah. Now, Bilhah remembered that sex was pretty nice from her earlier encounters with Jacob and Reuben was turning out to be pretty attractive, so Bilhah started helping Reuben with educational demonstrations in the privacy of one of the tents. Eventually this evolved into a full-blown sexual relationship and was actually really fulfilling for both of them. It was literally the realization of every adolescent boy’s fantasies.

Eventually someone noticed this was going on and told Jacob. And here the Bible really lets me down. It says absolutely nothing about what happened to poor Bilhah. We know that basically nothing happens to Reuben. His dad told him that he wasn’t the official “firstborn” anymore and he was as “unstable as water.” Because it’s the bible though, I’m pretty sure they did something horrific to Bilhah like cut off her breasts or impale her on a sharp stick. Either way, it really sucks. I guess the only hope for Bilhah to have survived getting caught fooling around with her husband’s son was for her to be considered property to the point that her actions didn’t really matter that much as long as she could keep those damn chamber pots empty.

Ref: Genesis 30 & Genesis 35:12

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 7 – Jacob gets ready to meet Esau again

Jacob is an awesome wrestler

When Jacob got close to home he sent some messengers to let Chewbacca know he was coming. He told the messengers to tell Chewy he had been living with their cousin/uncle Laban and now had a large collection of oxen, asses, flocks, boy slaves, and girl slaves. Also: he wanted Chewy to like him.

The messengers returned and told Jacob that Chewy was coming to meet him with a company of 400 men. Jacob was pretty prudent so he divided his company into two groups with the idea that it Chewy decided to destroy one of the groups the other could get away. Then he took about five hundred of his farm animals and divided them into several groups. He told his servants to take the groups of animals to Chewy separately and each time to tell him they were presents from Jacob who was coming along behind.

This night things got a little weird. After the gifts had been sent off toward Chewy, Jacob took his two wives, his two baby-making slaves, and his 11 sons and sent them across the steam so he was alone. As soon as the women and children were out of sight a strange man attached Jacob and they wrestled through the entire night. When dawn came, the strange man told Jacob to let him go because the sun was going to come up. Then the strange man revealed that he was, in fact, Yahweh. Yahweh told Jacob he needed to change his name to Israel because he was a good enough wrestler to beat God (weird, I know).

When the sun came up Jacob/Israel saw Chewy coming with his small army. He asked the women and children to walk behind him and approached Chewy fearing for his life. However, when Chewy got close he ran to meet Jacob/Israel, hugged him, kissed him, and wept with joy. Chewy asked who the women and children were and Jacob/Israel explained they were his family. The women and children all bowed to Chewy. Then Chewy tried to give back the animals but Jacob/Israel wouldn’t take them and said he was just happy to have Chewy like him.

And they all lived happily ever after (for a little while).

Ref: Genesis 32-33

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 6 – Rachel is a very naughty girl

Always make sure your favorite wife isn’t a criminal before describing the terms of punishment

After Jacob decided to leave Laban to head home with his wives, livestock, slaves, and other riches his favorite wife Rachel snuck into her father’s tent and stole his collection of images. These images were the little pagan gods Laban worshiped and Rachel was nervous about leaving home without them.

As soon as Laban figured out that Jacob had taken off with his daughters and grandchildren he gathered up his “brethren” (whatever that means) and chased down Jacob. The night before he caught Jacob Yahweh showed up and told Laban to “Take heed that speak not to Jacob either good or bad.” Laban didn’t have his pagan gods with him (because that bitch Rachel stole them) so he decided to keep Yahweh’s instruction in mind when he caught up with Jacob.

“You jerk,” Laban blurted out as soon as he got close to Jacob. “How dare you take away my daughters like a bandit that comes in the night? You were very foolish to take away my opportunity to throw a going away party and to kiss my grandchildren farewell. Now, I would be kicking your ass right now if Yahweh hadn’t told me to behave myself. As it is, I understand you want to go home after all these years working for me. I just need to know: Why the hell did you steal my gods?”

Jacob responded, “I snuck away because I was afraid you would take your daughters from me by force. As for the gods, I didn’t take them, but I will help you look for them and we will kill whoever has them.” They searched through the camp, but Rachel was very clever and hid the gods under her camel’s saddle and sat upon it. Then when her dad came into the tent she said, “I’m sorry I don’t stand up to greet you, but I’m on the rag right now, so what can you do, right?”

Due to that lying bitch Rachel’s cleverness Laban didn’t find his gods and Jacob got upset and yelled at Laban for harassing them after he’d worked for him the past 20 years to earn the daughters and the cattle. Laban felt a little badly about the situation then so he said, “You know, all these people; they come from me. They are either my daughters or grandchildren. The animals also come from me. How then could I ever do anything to harm any of them? Let us make a promise now to never try to kill each other.

So they held this big ceremonial promise thing involving a big pile of rocks and Laban went home. Rachel kept those gods though, the crafty bitch.

Ref: Genesis 31:19-55

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Some cousins are more expensive than others

As soon as Jacob arrived in Haran he met Rachel. He was so impressed by her very young body that he got water from the well for her sheep, kissed her and told her they were very closely related. Rachel went and told her dad Laban that his sister’s son had come to visit. After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month Laban said, “You know, it’s just not proper for you to work for me for free. Tell me what I should give you for pay.” This was an easy answer for Jacob who had been hot for cousin since he first saw Rachel. He said, “I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your daughter Rachel.” Laban liked this deal because he figured it was better than just selling Rachel to someone not so closely related.

After seven short years the happy day of the wedding arrived. Laban threw a huge party and married Rachel’s older sister Leah to Jacob. At the end of the evening Jacob took Leah back to his tent for some conjugal bliss. The next morning when Jacob woke up he noticed that this woman in his bed was not Rachel, NOT RACHEL. The dumb bastard didn’t notice he was fucking the wrong sister!

Naturally Jacob was super upset so he stormed over to his cousin(through his dad)/uncle(through his mom)/father-in-law(through his wife Leah)’s tent and demanded to know why he had been so cruelly deceived. Laban had been expecting this and he coolly replied, “Around these here parts it’s just not natural to sell the younger daughter before her older sister has been sold. Don’t worry, as long as you’re a good little boy and screw Leah’s brains out over this next week you can marry Rachel and pay for her with your next seven years of service.”

So in short order Jacob was married to both of his cousins. The thing was, he just didn’t like Leah that much. Yeah, she had nice eyes but she didn’t have very good skin and was just way too thin. Yahweh noticed and decided that Leah should have children and that Rachel, just like all the cousin/wives before her should be barren (I personally suspect all these women were pre-pubescent rather than barren and that’s why they could have kids further down the road).

So while Jacob was still paying for Rachel, Leah had four sons. First there was Reuben and Leah said, “Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.” Then there was Simeon and Leah said, “Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also.” Third was Levi and Leah said, “Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons.” Finally she had Judah. By then she had figured out that it didn’t matter how many sons she had, Jacob was never going to see her as anything other than an easy lay when Rachel wasn’t in the mood so she just said, “Now will I praise the Lord.”

Ref: Genesis 29

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

It’s the way Yahweh wanted it: honest

When Isaac got old enough that he couldn’t see very well anymore he decided it was just about time to die so he called in his favorite son, Chewbacca, and said, “I’m going to die soon, so please go kill a deer and make me some of that savory meat I love so much. Then I’m going to bless you.” Well, Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and because she liked Chewy’s twin brother Jacob best she hatched a plan to get him Isaac’s end-of-life blessing.

Rebekah told Jacob to go kill two baby goats and make savory meat the way Isaac liked it so he could get the super awesome magical blessing. Jacob immediately saw a flaw in this plan and said, “I’m all for tricking Dad to get this blessing thing, but I’m pretty sure he’ll notice I’m not Chewy. I mean look at him. He could easily pass for a bantha and I’m smoother than Mark Hamill.” This was no obstacle for Rebekah who replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’m just going to dress you in Chewy’s clothes and cover your exposed skin in goat pelts.”

After the whole façade had been put together Jacob walked into his dad’s tent and said, “It’s your favorite son, Chewy. I got you the meat just like you wanted so now bless me.” Isaac wasn’t retarded so he immediately suspected something was up and asked, “How did you get this meat so quickly, and why do you sound like Jacob?”

Isaac may not have been retarded but he was definitely gullible. So when Jacob said, “I got the meat so fast because Yahweh helped me get it and you can totally tell I’m Chewy because I feel all hairy. Seriously, check it out,” Isaac believed him. Just to be sure though, Isaac felt Jacob’s arms and hands and smelled his clothes. The hands and arms were hairy and the clothes sure smelled like Chewy’s clothes: good to go.

Isaac ate the meat, washed it down with some wine, and blessed Jacob to always have dew from heaven, the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. Isaac also blessed Jacob to be master of other nations and the master of his siblings forever.

As soon as the blessing was finished Jacob booked it out of there. Just in time too, because right after Jacob left Isaac’s tent Chewy showed up with his meat and asked for the blessing. Isaac said, “Oh no! I can’t. I already gave it to your brother who tricked me. I blessed him to be your master and have endless wine. There’s nothing left for you.” Then Chewy said, “Augh, I hate that little rat-bastard. First he tricked me out of getting to be in charge of the family after you die, and now he gets to be the boss of me. He even gets all the wine.” Then Isaac felt bad so he gave Chewy a mini blessing to have dew from heaven and to someday not have Jacob be in charge of him anymore.

This wasn’t nearly enough to calm Chewy’s rage. He swore that as soon as their dad died he was going to kill Jacob to get even. When Rebekah heard about this plan she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban in Haran and told him to not come back until she sent for him. You know, so Chewy could have a few years to cool off.

Ref: Genesis 27

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34

The Story of Dinah – A Severe Double Standard

Sensationalism at its finest

So this guy named Jacob - later changed to Israel (remember, the guy that stole the birthright from Esau) had a daughter named Dinah. One day Dinah went out by herself to visit some friends. While she was walking through the countryside some dumb rich kid named Shechem saw her, noted her hot body, and dragged her off to his place and raped her. Apparently she was better than previous rape victims, so he decided to “love” her and “spake kindly unto [her].” Then our rapist friend goes and talks to his rich daddy and tells him to secure a marriage.

Meanwhile, Jacob/Israel finds out about the abduction and rape, and tells his sons (remember polygamists can have LOTS of sons). They get pretty upset so when the big money daddy drops by to offer tons of cash as a payoff so Dinah can marry the rapist, the sons of David decide to get even. They tell big money daddy they can’t let Dinah marry an uncircumcised man, but if ALL rich money daddy’s people get circumcised, “Then will we give our daughters unto you, and we will take your daughters to us, and we will dwell with you, and we will become one people.”

Rapist and big money daddy like this plan so they head back to their city where they force all the men to join the ranks of the circumcised. Now, I wasn’t circumcised as an adult, so I don’t know if this is realistic (I figure it isn’t), but apparently having your foreskin cut off completely incapacitates you. While all big money daddy’s people are unable to function, the sons of David/Israel show up and kill every single man in the city. They free Dinah from her rapist’s house, then take all the valuables, animals (sheep, cows, donkeys), small children, and women back to their city (who know, like you do – kill a woman’s husband then take her as wife number 8. Nothing weird about that, right?).

Jacob/Israel gets pretty upset when he finds out about the massacre and looting because he figures the neighboring cities will want to even the score, so they all pack up and flee the country. This works out ok because God makes the other groups in the area afraid, so they don’t chase and kill his “chosen” people.

Ref: Genesis 34:1-30