The Epic Tale of Job: Part 1 – Elohim feels compelled to prove himself to Lucifer

It appears that God likes to punish the people who love him the most

One well-known story from the Old Testament is that of Job. Job was this poor sap that God decided to test. When Job’s faith remained unshaken he got lots of cool stuff from God as a reward. It’s odd to me that people teach this story in Sunday school like it’s a good thing. This is a really twisted story. Let’s break it down.

Job was the richest man in the East. He had seven sons and three daughters. He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses. This is WAY more than Aladdin had after the Genie made him into Prince Ali Ababwa.  Job was also a God-fearing man who made seven burnt offerings every day for his sons just in case they may have sinned by cursing God in their hearts.

Ok, now let’s get the story underway: periodically the angels would present themselves to Elohim. I’m not sure why, probably to make sure their ears and fingernails were clean, their boots were polished, and they had regulation haircuts. In any case, at one of these inspections Lucifer showed up. Elohim was surprised to see his favorite fallen angel but he was also eager to show off his favorite rich guy, Job. He said to Lucifer, “Have you seen Job? There is no one like him on the Earth. He is so great. He has more money than the Mormon flip-flopper, Mit Romney, but still manages to fear me and avoid evil.

Lucifer scoffed and said, “Yeah, of course. You’ve coddled this guy from infancy. If you destroyed all his riches he would totally curse you. He would spit in your face if he had the chance.” Elohim said, “No way. You’re SO wrong. I’ll totally prove it to you. Go and kill all his servants and animals and he’ll totally still like me.” (This is so cool. You totally have to love God-endorsed murder.)

So the next day Job received news that the oxen and asses had been captured by the Sabeans and their caretakers murdered. The camels were captured by the Chaldeans and the camel servants were murdered too. Then my personal favorite: the fire of God descended upon the sheep and the sheepherders destroying all of them. Finally, while Job’s sons and daughters were eating dinner together the house collapsed, killing them and their servants.

All in all, it was a bad day. Job was sad of course, but he did not curse God. He said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, KJV) Now I know this is meant to be a sad and meaningful verse, but all I get from it is that Job is planning to get naked and head for his mother’s womb. Do you think he’ll make it? Is he planning to enter vaginally or surgically?

Ref: Job 1