Cain and Abel – The first brothers

If I did twice the work and got less than half the reward, I’d be pretty upset too

After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden they started popping out babies like crazy.

 

Their first two kids were boys named Abel and Cain. When they got old enough their parents put Abel in charge of herding the sheep and put Cain in charge of grain production. What this means is that mostly Abel walked around following the sheep and tried to keep them safe from lions and bears and stuff while Cain worked his ass off every damn day ploughing, planting, reaping, and threshing.
 

These were both important jobs but for whatever reason the more you work the less credit you get. When the time came to offer sacrifices to Elohim the creator; Abel brought some baby sheep and baby sheep fat while Cain brought a bag of wheat. Because Elohim is a big fan of blood and fat he really liked Abel’s sacrifice but he totally disrespected Cain.

 

Now Cain worked really hard for that wheat so he was all kinds of crazy upset that Elohim didn’t like it. Elohim noticed Cain was upset and asked him, “What are you getting your panties all in a bunch for? If you do well I’ll accept your stuff. If you don’t, sin will get you. Then it’s up to you to control sin so you don’t wind up its slave.”

Apparently this little pep talk did nothing for Cain because the next time he saw Abel out in the fields he took a big rock and smashed in Abel’s skull so he could get some baby sheep for kill for Elohim’s pleasure. It didn’t take long for Elohim to notice Abel was missing and he went straight to Cain to find out what was going on. He said, “Hey Cain, I can’t find your brother. Where is he?” Cain was very clever and answered, “How should I know? I’m like, not the boss of him, and stuff.”
 

 

Well Elohim wasn’t fooled. He said to Cain, “You jerk. I can totally tell you killed your brother. Now you are cursed from the earth which hath opened her mouth to receive your brother’s blood. From now on when you till the earth it won’t be nearly as productive as before.” Cain didn’t think this was fair and he said, “Hey, that’s too much. If that’s true, people will start to think it’s my fault when crops don’t grow well and they will kill me.” Elohim didn’t want Cain to die so he said, “Ok, pay attention universe: from this time forward anyone who kills Cain will have vengeance visited upon him at least seven times as bad.” Then Elohim put a mark upon Cain so everyone would know to not kill him.

 

After Cain was cursed, he took his wife/sister and walked east for a while before starting a new city with their kids.

 

This should be the end of the story, but the early Mormon leaders read the bible and decided the “mark of Cain” is dark skin and those with dark skin are inferior to people with white skin. God doesn’t like the dark people unless they manage to become good inside, in which case their skin becomes white. They even created the idea that one of Noah’s sons had a black wife to keep the dark skin gene going, then justified the poor treatment of blacks by teaching those born with dark skin didn’t love Jesus enough before they were born to earn white skin. Aren’t Mormons cool?

 

Bruce R. McConkey
(Taken from Wikipedia 19 Aug 2014)

"Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry.” - Bruce R. McConkie

 

Ref: Genesis 4

Genocide – Ensuring that man does not exercise his agency

Why does Elohim have to be so damn inconsistent?

Revelation chapter 12 talks about a great war in heaven wherein Michael and his Angels fight against a dragon and its angels and cast them out of heaven. That dragon is identified as Satan.

The Mormons teach that everyone who is ever born was first born spiritually in heaven to our heavenly father and one of his polygamous wives. This includes Lucifer and Jesus (who in Mormon lore is the actual son of God in the flesh just like Hercules is the son of Zeus). There was a big council before the world was formed to decide how best to get all God’s spirit children back to heaven. Lucifer proposed a world without choice so everyone could get a body, never sin, then die and be resurrected. That wasn’t what Elohim wanted. Jesus was a good little boy and put forward a plan that worked for Elohim. Everyone would be able to sin but because no unclean thing can enter the presence of God, Jesus would go be the literal son of God, choose to never sin, and then pay for everyone else’s sins so they could go to heaven.

There was a big fight after that where the forces of Jesus and the Forces of Lucifer had it out. Of course Lucifer lost but he took 1/3^rd of the host of heaven with him when he was cast out (hence the 1/3^rd of the stars thing).

Michael and the Dragon

Point of the above story: Elohim wants people to make their own decisions about whether or not to sin. Then they can choose to either repent and take advantage of Jesus’ atonement or go to hell with Lucifer and his 1/3^rd.  I’m not an expert on every religion, but I’m pretty sure the idea that people need to choose for themselves to go to heaven is pretty much true across the board, at least for the Christians anyway.

Problem: In the bible, Elohim works to make it so people don’t choose the bad.

For example: in Exodus chapter 23, Elohim reveals his laws to Moses. This is largely a reiteration of the 10 commandments as found in Exodus 20, but it includes a couple of additional instructions. It’s not good enough to avoid serving different gods, you have to destroy the people who follow those gods. In verses 29-33 Elohim promises to help the Hebrews destroy all the idol worshipers in the Promised Land, and commands them to do it so they can avoid the temptation of idol worship.

Yep, that’s right. God commanded the Israelites to commit genocide so they would not face temptation. So much for allowing people to choose for themselves which gods to serve. Sounds like Elohim and the Mormon version of Lucifer have a lot in common.

The Epic Tale of Job: Part 2 – From bad to worse to awesome

It’s ok if Job is a dick to his wife, as long as he still loves God

So the next time Elohim and Lucifer met (which I imagine was to play chess in the park as seen in the 2000 remake of Bedazzled) Elohim said, “Ha ha looser. Check it out. Even though you convinced me to destroy Job’s wealth and family for no reason whatsoever he still loves me.” Predictably, Lucifer was unconvinced. He said to Elohim, “Yeah of course. Anyone would give all they had to preserve their own life and Job was perfectly aware that if he complained about you, you would kill him. If you destroy Job’s health, then he will curse you.”

This sounded reasonable to Elohim who said, “Ok, fine. Let’s do this your way. We’ll just keep dicking with Job until you admit that I’m right and you’re wrong.” So Job developed severe boils. These really hurt and Job was covered from head to toe, including the bottoms of his feet. Ouch! Job’s wife was still alive here and she said, “Hey dumbass. What’s wrong with you? Clearly God is out to get you. You should just curse his name and die.” Job responded to this provocation by saying, “You’re talking just like anyone would expect someone as stupid and useless as a woman to talk. It’s perfectly obvious that because God does good unto us, he also does evil; duh!”

Then from chapter 3 through chapter 37 Job complains about how much his life sucks, he talks about how awesome God is, his friends tell him he is a sinner who needs to repent, and he says he is innocent. That’s 35 chapters of the most boring, inane crap in the entire bible. It’s seriously really bad. Then in Job 38 Elohim starts talking to Job. He goes on for three chapters about how awesome he is and FINALLY in Chapter 42 things turn around.

After talking with God, Job felt compelled to repent for not fully understanding God’s awesomeness. Then Elohim started to fix things for Job by first chastising Job’s friends for giving him a hard time and demanding they repent. Elohim finished up by giving Job exactly twice as many animals and servants as he had before and gave him another seven sons and three daughters. This time though, the daughters were much more attractive (ref:  Job 42:15).

Moral: If you are good then Lucifer will convince Elohim to dick with you, but you’ll come out ahead in the end because your new set of daughters will be better looking.

Ref: Job chapters 2-42

The Epic Tale of Job: Part 1 – Elohim feels compelled to prove himself to Lucifer

It appears that God likes to punish the people who love him the most

One well-known story from the Old Testament is that of Job. Job was this poor sap that God decided to test. When Job’s faith remained unshaken he got lots of cool stuff from God as a reward. It’s odd to me that people teach this story in Sunday school like it’s a good thing. This is a really twisted story. Let’s break it down.

Job was the richest man in the East. He had seven sons and three daughters. He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses. This is WAY more than Aladdin had after the Genie made him into Prince Ali Ababwa.  Job was also a God-fearing man who made seven burnt offerings every day for his sons just in case they may have sinned by cursing God in their hearts.

Ok, now let’s get the story underway: periodically the angels would present themselves to Elohim. I’m not sure why, probably to make sure their ears and fingernails were clean, their boots were polished, and they had regulation haircuts. In any case, at one of these inspections Lucifer showed up. Elohim was surprised to see his favorite fallen angel but he was also eager to show off his favorite rich guy, Job. He said to Lucifer, “Have you seen Job? There is no one like him on the Earth. He is so great. He has more money than the Mormon flip-flopper, Mit Romney, but still manages to fear me and avoid evil.

Lucifer scoffed and said, “Yeah, of course. You’ve coddled this guy from infancy. If you destroyed all his riches he would totally curse you. He would spit in your face if he had the chance.” Elohim said, “No way. You’re SO wrong. I’ll totally prove it to you. Go and kill all his servants and animals and he’ll totally still like me.” (This is so cool. You totally have to love God-endorsed murder.)

So the next day Job received news that the oxen and asses had been captured by the Sabeans and their caretakers murdered. The camels were captured by the Chaldeans and the camel servants were murdered too. Then my personal favorite: the fire of God descended upon the sheep and the sheepherders destroying all of them. Finally, while Job’s sons and daughters were eating dinner together the house collapsed, killing them and their servants.

All in all, it was a bad day. Job was sad of course, but he did not curse God. He said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, KJV) Now I know this is meant to be a sad and meaningful verse, but all I get from it is that Job is planning to get naked and head for his mother’s womb. Do you think he’ll make it? Is he planning to enter vaginally or surgically?

Ref: Job 1

Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.