The Epic Tale of Job: Part 2 – From bad to worse to awesome

It’s ok if Job is a dick to his wife, as long as he still loves God

So the next time Elohim and Lucifer met (which I imagine was to play chess in the park as seen in the 2000 remake of Bedazzled) Elohim said, “Ha ha looser. Check it out. Even though you convinced me to destroy Job’s wealth and family for no reason whatsoever he still loves me.” Predictably, Lucifer was unconvinced. He said to Elohim, “Yeah of course. Anyone would give all they had to preserve their own life and Job was perfectly aware that if he complained about you, you would kill him. If you destroy Job’s health, then he will curse you.”

This sounded reasonable to Elohim who said, “Ok, fine. Let’s do this your way. We’ll just keep dicking with Job until you admit that I’m right and you’re wrong.” So Job developed severe boils. These really hurt and Job was covered from head to toe, including the bottoms of his feet. Ouch! Job’s wife was still alive here and she said, “Hey dumbass. What’s wrong with you? Clearly God is out to get you. You should just curse his name and die.” Job responded to this provocation by saying, “You’re talking just like anyone would expect someone as stupid and useless as a woman to talk. It’s perfectly obvious that because God does good unto us, he also does evil; duh!”

Then from chapter 3 through chapter 37 Job complains about how much his life sucks, he talks about how awesome God is, his friends tell him he is a sinner who needs to repent, and he says he is innocent. That’s 35 chapters of the most boring, inane crap in the entire bible. It’s seriously really bad. Then in Job 38 Elohim starts talking to Job. He goes on for three chapters about how awesome he is and FINALLY in Chapter 42 things turn around.

After talking with God, Job felt compelled to repent for not fully understanding God’s awesomeness. Then Elohim started to fix things for Job by first chastising Job’s friends for giving him a hard time and demanding they repent. Elohim finished up by giving Job exactly twice as many animals and servants as he had before and gave him another seven sons and three daughters. This time though, the daughters were much more attractive (ref:  Job 42:15).

Moral: If you are good then Lucifer will convince Elohim to dick with you, but you’ll come out ahead in the end because your new set of daughters will be better looking.

Ref: Job chapters 2-42

The Epic Tale of Job: Part 1 – Elohim feels compelled to prove himself to Lucifer

It appears that God likes to punish the people who love him the most

One well-known story from the Old Testament is that of Job. Job was this poor sap that God decided to test. When Job’s faith remained unshaken he got lots of cool stuff from God as a reward. It’s odd to me that people teach this story in Sunday school like it’s a good thing. This is a really twisted story. Let’s break it down.

Job was the richest man in the East. He had seven sons and three daughters. He had seven thousand sheep, three thousand camels, five hundred yoke of oxen, and five hundred she asses. This is WAY more than Aladdin had after the Genie made him into Prince Ali Ababwa.  Job was also a God-fearing man who made seven burnt offerings every day for his sons just in case they may have sinned by cursing God in their hearts.

Ok, now let’s get the story underway: periodically the angels would present themselves to Elohim. I’m not sure why, probably to make sure their ears and fingernails were clean, their boots were polished, and they had regulation haircuts. In any case, at one of these inspections Lucifer showed up. Elohim was surprised to see his favorite fallen angel but he was also eager to show off his favorite rich guy, Job. He said to Lucifer, “Have you seen Job? There is no one like him on the Earth. He is so great. He has more money than the Mormon flip-flopper, Mit Romney, but still manages to fear me and avoid evil.

Lucifer scoffed and said, “Yeah, of course. You’ve coddled this guy from infancy. If you destroyed all his riches he would totally curse you. He would spit in your face if he had the chance.” Elohim said, “No way. You’re SO wrong. I’ll totally prove it to you. Go and kill all his servants and animals and he’ll totally still like me.” (This is so cool. You totally have to love God-endorsed murder.)

So the next day Job received news that the oxen and asses had been captured by the Sabeans and their caretakers murdered. The camels were captured by the Chaldeans and the camel servants were murdered too. Then my personal favorite: the fire of God descended upon the sheep and the sheepherders destroying all of them. Finally, while Job’s sons and daughters were eating dinner together the house collapsed, killing them and their servants.

All in all, it was a bad day. Job was sad of course, but he did not curse God. He said, “Naked came I out of my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:21, KJV) Now I know this is meant to be a sad and meaningful verse, but all I get from it is that Job is planning to get naked and head for his mother’s womb. Do you think he’ll make it? Is he planning to enter vaginally or surgically?

Ref: Job 1