Divorce and Castration – They’re both painful

Castration to appease God is way better than castration to impress your friends

One time when Jesus was teaching and healing the infirm near the Judean coast when a group of hoity toity Pharisees (good, God-fearing folk) showed up to cause trouble. The Pharisees asked Jesus if divorce was OK. Jesus was a good Roman Catholic boy so he wasn’t a big fan of divorce and said, “Um, if you like look in the scriptures, and stuff; you will totally find that God like, made a dude and a chick and told them they had to “one flesh” it up. If you think about it, that like, totally means they aren’t flying solo anymore. It’s not up to men to divide what God joined together.”

The Pharisees were upset (as per the norm) that Jesus was teaching crap that contradicted the Holy Scriptures so they said, “If that’s true, why did God give Moses detailed instructions on how to properly execute divorce proceedings?” Jesus responded, “Man, I tell you what; back in those days God was super bueno with divorce due to the hardness of your hearts, man. Now that we live in the new era I’m tellin’ ya: all the peeps what get divorced are totally committing adultery. I mean, unless the lady is steppin’ out on you. Then it’s ok, ‘cause who needs a ho-bag like that hangin’ around?”

Then Jesus’ disciples joined the conversation saying: “If that’s the rule now, it’s got to be way better to just not get married.” Jesus liked the sound of that, but being a really practical guy realized that dudes like the ladies and said, “Well, not all the dudes can handle the celibacy, man. Some guys ain’t got no junk ‘cause they wasn’t born with it. Then some other dudes had their junk taken from them with a knife or sharp rock or summin’ like that, so they’re good. There’s only, like, a few ‘specially radical dudes who can live junkless by their own choice! I mean anybody what can live junkless totally should though, because it’s WAY better than getting hitched when you ain’t got no recourse for divorce.”

Note: some people think the self-inflicted eunuch-ism Jesus was talking about is a metaphor for celibate living. I don’t buy it: when you’re really big on circumcision, castration is the next logical step in the direction of righteousness.

Ref: Matthew 19:1-12