Adam and Eve – Do you know the real story?

Today is the 104^th bible story. That’s one year of twice a week. Congratulations to me!

Back in the days when the Earth was new, there was a young man named Adam and a young woman named Eve who lived in a garden paradise created for them by God. It was just the two of them of course, and if you only ever have one person to talk to and you never have to do any work, you might get pretty bored; eventually. I mean, there was no celebrity gossip column 6,000 years ago. They didn’t even have Ricki Lake OR Guiding Light.

I’m sure when the serpent suddenly started talking to Eve she was thrilled to talk to someone that was interested in saying anything other than: "I bet you wish you could pee standing up," "Be careful when you squat so the pee doesn’t end up running down your legs," or "I sure bet you wish we had a way to make toilet paper" (it turns out that Adam was kinda a jerk).

So, after introducing himself to Eve, the snake said, “So, what gives here? Do you just wander around all day eating fruit off trees?” Eve said, “Pretty much. We just have to be careful to not eat anything off the tree right in the center of the garden. God says it’s poisonous and if we eat it we will die.” The snake laughed and said, “You actually believe that? God is so full of shit. He doesn’t want you to eat that fruit because it will make you smart. Perhaps even smart enough to invent toilet paper, or indoor plumbing.”

This sounded pretty awesome to Eve so she chowed right down on some of the magic fruit and became super smart. Then, because she already thought Adam was a vulgar ape, she gave him some of the fruit in the hope that more knowledge would help him reform his behavior and make him a better conversationalist. Adam ate it and the only thing that occurred to him was the idea that women MUST be covered at all times. He immediately made Eve cover up and explained that Men have no control over themselves and if they see bare flesh on a female they will be compelled to rape her. As we all know, everyone in the bible was all about blaming the victim in the case of sexual assault.

Pretty soon afterward, God came to visit the garden. When he saw that Eve was wearing a burka made out of leaves, he asked Adam what was going on. Adam immediately panicked and said, “It’s not my fault. This ‘woman’ creature you made for me tricked me into eating the forbidden fruit and it made me afraid of female skin. It’s your fault really!” God turned to Eve and said, “Is this true?” Because Eve was a morally superior creature she simply said, “Yes. After the snake told me the fruit would make me smart enough to make toilet paper, I couldn’t wait to eat some.”

God called the snake and said, “Snake, because you told Eve about the smart-making fruit I am going to take away your legs and I will instill fear of you into the heart of every single descendant of Eve. They will try to kill your kind anytime they see one of you, until the end of time.” Then God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden and made Eve a fancy new burka out of animal skins.

 

Notes:

Many people believe the serpent in the Garden of Eden was Satan. I find this patently absurd. The idea of “Satan” didn’t enter into Jewish writing until AFTER the Babylonian Exile started in the early sixth century BC. Incidentally, this is when the concepts of “heaven” and “hell” showed up as well. Of course the serpent in Genesis was just a really clever talking snake, exactly as described in Genesis 3:1. The other crazy belief I run into a lot is that the “original sin” was vaginal intercourse (thank you Roman Catholic Church).

Let me explain: Right after Eve was made from Adam’s rib, the bible says: “And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:23-24, KJV) I don’t know how you imaging Adam “cleaving” unto Eve or how they became “one flesh,” but for me it definitely involves the bump ugly. Seeing as how all this “cleaving” and “one fleshing” was going on before the incident with the snake, I propose sex didn’t get the young lovebirds kicked out of the garden. Instead, it was Adam forcing Eve to wear clothes.

Moral: naked is better

Ref: Genesis 2-3

Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.