THE CREATION – How it all began

THE CREATION - King James Version – my comments are in red.

GENESIS CHAPTER 1

1 In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

2 And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

 So basically, a bunch of black water.

3 And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.

Hurray for light.

4 And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.

5 And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

6 And God said, Let there be a firmament in the midst of the waters, and let it divide the waters from the waters.

7 And God made the firmament, and divided the waters which were under the firmament from the waters which were above the firmament: and it was so.

8 And God called the firmament Heaven. And the evening and the morning were the second day.

Which is better, the water below the sky, or the water above the sky?

9 And God said, Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let the dry land appear: and it was so.

10 And God called the dry land Earth; and the gathering together of the waters called he Seas: and God saw that it was good.

11 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit after his kind, whose seed is in itself, upon the earth: and it was so.

12 And the earth brought forth grass, and herb yielding seed after his kind, and the tree yielding fruit, whose seed was in itself, after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

13 And the evening and the morning were the third day.

14 And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

15 And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

16 And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

17 And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

18 And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

19 And the evening and the morning were the fourth day.

20 And God said, Let the waters bring forth abundantly the moving creature that hath life, and fowl that may fly above the earth in the open firmament of heaven.

21 And God created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

22 And God blessed them, saying, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the waters in the seas, and let fowl multiply in the earth.

23 And the evening and the morning were the fifth day.

Do you think God also put fishes and whales in the water above the heavens?

24 And God said, Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind: and it was so.

25 And God made the beast of the earth after his kind, and cattle after their kind, and every thing that creepeth upon the earth after his kind: and God saw that it was good.

26 And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.

28 And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

29 And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every fowl of the air, and to every thing that creepeth upon the earth, wherein there is life, I have given every green herb for meat: and it was so.

31 And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. And the evening and the morning were the sixth day.

Finally, everything is finished!

GENESIS CHAPTER 2

2 And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.

3 And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.

As you will see in the next paragraph, after the seventh day, God made Adam! Seriously? We just learned that on the sixth day God made the people. What happened to the people? Something terrible I’m sure; like maybe they were hit by a giant, explosive bolt of lightning while they were bathing in gasoline.

5 And every plant of the field before it was in the earth, and every herb of the field before it grew: for the LORD God had not caused it to rain upon the earth, and there was not a man to till the ground.

6 But there went up a mist from the earth, and watered the whole face of the ground.

7 And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Yes. Man is made out of dirt and God breath.

But Adam was alone, so . . .

21 And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

22 And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man.

23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Aww . . . look at the cute little rib woman.

It’s ok though, she got bigger.

 Moral: Even if God accidently blows up all the humans, he can just make some more.

Note: When I was growing up I thought that men had fewer ribs than women, on account of the whole woman being made from a man's rib thing. It wasn't until much later that I learned enough human anatomy to know that men and women have the same number of ribs.

Of course now I reckon most people realize that ONLY Adam would have been short a rib.

Adam and Steve – Not the work of God

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

I have it on very good authority, including Rev. Jason McGuire and Rev. Thomas Johnson, that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. They’re probably right. I mean, I’ve read Genesis many times, and it’s always Adam and Eve.

This presents a few problems for me. Most everyone agrees that we all come from God. We are His creations; not Steve though. Modern religious leaders and teachers are always going on about how God DID NOT create Steve. My first impulse is to feel bad for Steve, you know, for not being created and stuff. Once I start to think about things though, I realize there are a lot of Steves; they must have come from somewhere. Who made Steve, if not God?

Let's look at this logically:

1. According to The Silmarillion, Morgoth (Sauron’s master) made the orcs, but he didn't really make them. He just took a bunch of elves and broke them. I bet Lucifer works the same way. Perhaps God did make the ancestors of Steve, just not Steve in his present form. For this to work, Lucifer must have kidnapped a bunch of Alans and Jacobs and corrupted them until their tortured and broken descendants eventually became Steves.

2. The first woman, Lilith (according to Midrashic literature), left Adam and the Garden due to what she perceived as unfair treatment. She thought that since she was born from the same dirt as Adam (rather than a rib like Eve) she should have equal rights. The Kabbalah text Sefer ha-Zohar confirms this:

At the same time Jehovah created Adam, he created a woman, Lilith, who like Adam was taken from the earth. She was given to Adam as his wife. But there was a dispute between them about a matter that when it came before the judges had to be discussed behind closed doors. She spoke the unspeakable name of Jehovah and vanished.

3. The Alpha Betha of Ben Sira explains that the conflict between Adam and Lilith was sexual in Nature. Adam insisted that because he was superior to Lilith she had to lie beneath him during sex. Lilith refused.

4. After leaving the garden, Lilith developed a sexual relationship with the Archangel Samael (also known as Malkira, and much later as Satan/Lucifer). The entire experience inspired Lilith to become a flying demon that causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Here is pretty clear evidence that sex with Satan changes a feminist into a baby-killing demon. You might even say that Satan created the demon Lilith by using sex to torture and corrupt the human Lilith.

Conclusion:

If you think about it, everything should make sense now. People say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” as a way to say homosexuality (including butt sex) goes against the will of God. God didn’t make the Steves, but they exist. Satan sex ‘creates’ something new. Therefore, Satan and some humans must have engaged in nasty butt sex that was both torturous and corrupting to make all the Steves.   

Note: Don’t worry too much about Adam. After his sex buddy Lilith took off, God made him a new one out of a rib to make sure she was properly subservient and was always ready to assume the missionary position.

Adam and Eve – Do you know the real story?

Today is the 104^th bible story. That’s one year of twice a week. Congratulations to me!

Back in the days when the Earth was new, there was a young man named Adam and a young woman named Eve who lived in a garden paradise created for them by God. It was just the two of them of course, and if you only ever have one person to talk to and you never have to do any work, you might get pretty bored; eventually. I mean, there was no celebrity gossip column 6,000 years ago. They didn’t even have Ricki Lake OR Guiding Light.

I’m sure when the serpent suddenly started talking to Eve she was thrilled to talk to someone that was interested in saying anything other than: "I bet you wish you could pee standing up," "Be careful when you squat so the pee doesn’t end up running down your legs," or "I sure bet you wish we had a way to make toilet paper" (it turns out that Adam was kinda a jerk).

So, after introducing himself to Eve, the snake said, “So, what gives here? Do you just wander around all day eating fruit off trees?” Eve said, “Pretty much. We just have to be careful to not eat anything off the tree right in the center of the garden. God says it’s poisonous and if we eat it we will die.” The snake laughed and said, “You actually believe that? God is so full of shit. He doesn’t want you to eat that fruit because it will make you smart. Perhaps even smart enough to invent toilet paper, or indoor plumbing.”

This sounded pretty awesome to Eve so she chowed right down on some of the magic fruit and became super smart. Then, because she already thought Adam was a vulgar ape, she gave him some of the fruit in the hope that more knowledge would help him reform his behavior and make him a better conversationalist. Adam ate it and the only thing that occurred to him was the idea that women MUST be covered at all times. He immediately made Eve cover up and explained that Men have no control over themselves and if they see bare flesh on a female they will be compelled to rape her. As we all know, everyone in the bible was all about blaming the victim in the case of sexual assault.

Pretty soon afterward, God came to visit the garden. When he saw that Eve was wearing a burka made out of leaves, he asked Adam what was going on. Adam immediately panicked and said, “It’s not my fault. This ‘woman’ creature you made for me tricked me into eating the forbidden fruit and it made me afraid of female skin. It’s your fault really!” God turned to Eve and said, “Is this true?” Because Eve was a morally superior creature she simply said, “Yes. After the snake told me the fruit would make me smart enough to make toilet paper, I couldn’t wait to eat some.”

God called the snake and said, “Snake, because you told Eve about the smart-making fruit I am going to take away your legs and I will instill fear of you into the heart of every single descendant of Eve. They will try to kill your kind anytime they see one of you, until the end of time.” Then God kicked Adam and Eve out of the garden and made Eve a fancy new burka out of animal skins.

 

Notes:

Many people believe the serpent in the Garden of Eden was Satan. I find this patently absurd. The idea of “Satan” didn’t enter into Jewish writing until AFTER the Babylonian Exile started in the early sixth century BC. Incidentally, this is when the concepts of “heaven” and “hell” showed up as well. Of course the serpent in Genesis was just a really clever talking snake, exactly as described in Genesis 3:1. The other crazy belief I run into a lot is that the “original sin” was vaginal intercourse (thank you Roman Catholic Church).

Let me explain: Right after Eve was made from Adam’s rib, the bible says: “And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:23-24, KJV) I don’t know how you imaging Adam “cleaving” unto Eve or how they became “one flesh,” but for me it definitely involves the bump ugly. Seeing as how all this “cleaving” and “one fleshing” was going on before the incident with the snake, I propose sex didn’t get the young lovebirds kicked out of the garden. Instead, it was Adam forcing Eve to wear clothes.

Moral: naked is better

Ref: Genesis 2-3

Cain and Abel – The first brothers

If I did twice the work and got less than half the reward, I’d be pretty upset too

After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden they started popping out babies like crazy.

 

Their first two kids were boys named Abel and Cain. When they got old enough their parents put Abel in charge of herding the sheep and put Cain in charge of grain production. What this means is that mostly Abel walked around following the sheep and tried to keep them safe from lions and bears and stuff while Cain worked his ass off every damn day ploughing, planting, reaping, and threshing.
 

These were both important jobs but for whatever reason the more you work the less credit you get. When the time came to offer sacrifices to Elohim the creator; Abel brought some baby sheep and baby sheep fat while Cain brought a bag of wheat. Because Elohim is a big fan of blood and fat he really liked Abel’s sacrifice but he totally disrespected Cain.

 

Now Cain worked really hard for that wheat so he was all kinds of crazy upset that Elohim didn’t like it. Elohim noticed Cain was upset and asked him, “What are you getting your panties all in a bunch for? If you do well I’ll accept your stuff. If you don’t, sin will get you. Then it’s up to you to control sin so you don’t wind up its slave.”

Apparently this little pep talk did nothing for Cain because the next time he saw Abel out in the fields he took a big rock and smashed in Abel’s skull so he could get some baby sheep for kill for Elohim’s pleasure. It didn’t take long for Elohim to notice Abel was missing and he went straight to Cain to find out what was going on. He said, “Hey Cain, I can’t find your brother. Where is he?” Cain was very clever and answered, “How should I know? I’m like, not the boss of him, and stuff.”
 

 

Well Elohim wasn’t fooled. He said to Cain, “You jerk. I can totally tell you killed your brother. Now you are cursed from the earth which hath opened her mouth to receive your brother’s blood. From now on when you till the earth it won’t be nearly as productive as before.” Cain didn’t think this was fair and he said, “Hey, that’s too much. If that’s true, people will start to think it’s my fault when crops don’t grow well and they will kill me.” Elohim didn’t want Cain to die so he said, “Ok, pay attention universe: from this time forward anyone who kills Cain will have vengeance visited upon him at least seven times as bad.” Then Elohim put a mark upon Cain so everyone would know to not kill him.

 

After Cain was cursed, he took his wife/sister and walked east for a while before starting a new city with their kids.

 

This should be the end of the story, but the early Mormon leaders read the bible and decided the “mark of Cain” is dark skin and those with dark skin are inferior to people with white skin. God doesn’t like the dark people unless they manage to become good inside, in which case their skin becomes white. They even created the idea that one of Noah’s sons had a black wife to keep the dark skin gene going, then justified the poor treatment of blacks by teaching those born with dark skin didn’t love Jesus enough before they were born to earn white skin. Aren’t Mormons cool?

 

Bruce R. McConkey
(Taken from Wikipedia 19 Aug 2014)

"Cain, Ham, and the whole negro race have been cursed with a black skin, the mark of Cain, so they can be identified as a caste apart, a people with whom the other descendants of Adam should not intermarry.” - Bruce R. McConkie

 

Ref: Genesis 4

Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.