Adam and Steve – Not the work of God

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

I have it on very good authority, including Rev. Jason McGuire and Rev. Thomas Johnson, that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. They’re probably right. I mean, I’ve read Genesis many times, and it’s always Adam and Eve.

This presents a few problems for me. Most everyone agrees that we all come from God. We are His creations; not Steve though. Modern religious leaders and teachers are always going on about how God DID NOT create Steve. My first impulse is to feel bad for Steve, you know, for not being created and stuff. Once I start to think about things though, I realize there are a lot of Steves; they must have come from somewhere. Who made Steve, if not God?

Let's look at this logically:

1. According to The Silmarillion, Morgoth (Sauron’s master) made the orcs, but he didn't really make them. He just took a bunch of elves and broke them. I bet Lucifer works the same way. Perhaps God did make the ancestors of Steve, just not Steve in his present form. For this to work, Lucifer must have kidnapped a bunch of Alans and Jacobs and corrupted them until their tortured and broken descendants eventually became Steves.

2. The first woman, Lilith (according to Midrashic literature), left Adam and the Garden due to what she perceived as unfair treatment. She thought that since she was born from the same dirt as Adam (rather than a rib like Eve) she should have equal rights. The Kabbalah text Sefer ha-Zohar confirms this:

At the same time Jehovah created Adam, he created a woman, Lilith, who like Adam was taken from the earth. She was given to Adam as his wife. But there was a dispute between them about a matter that when it came before the judges had to be discussed behind closed doors. She spoke the unspeakable name of Jehovah and vanished.

3. The Alpha Betha of Ben Sira explains that the conflict between Adam and Lilith was sexual in Nature. Adam insisted that because he was superior to Lilith she had to lie beneath him during sex. Lilith refused.

4. After leaving the garden, Lilith developed a sexual relationship with the Archangel Samael (also known as Malkira, and much later as Satan/Lucifer). The entire experience inspired Lilith to become a flying demon that causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Here is pretty clear evidence that sex with Satan changes a feminist into a baby-killing demon. You might even say that Satan created the demon Lilith by using sex to torture and corrupt the human Lilith.

Conclusion:

If you think about it, everything should make sense now. People say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” as a way to say homosexuality (including butt sex) goes against the will of God. God didn’t make the Steves, but they exist. Satan sex ‘creates’ something new. Therefore, Satan and some humans must have engaged in nasty butt sex that was both torturous and corrupting to make all the Steves.   

Note: Don’t worry too much about Adam. After his sex buddy Lilith took off, God made him a new one out of a rib to make sure she was properly subservient and was always ready to assume the missionary position.

Adam and Lilith – A new year, a new start

I think stories about the beginnings of our world are well-suited for the beginning of a new year

Here’s the deal: The biblical account is a bit sterile and self-conflicting when discussion the origin of the first man and woman. To make this post interesting I’m going to have to draw on some really old Jewish Folklore. Genesis 1:27 states that Elohim made man and woman in his own image on the sixth day of creation. Then later, in Genesis 2:21 we learn that AFTER Adam named all the animals (which I presume took quite some time), Elohim took a rib from Adam’s chest to make Eve.

This is a pretty serious disconnect. You should be wondering now what happened to the woman Elohim made at the same time Adam was formed. Since you probably weren’t alive in the Middle Ages when this was a common belief, I’ll tell you.


"Lilith" by John Collier, 1892


When Elohim made Adam from the dust he also made the woman Lilith. Things would have been OK except Adam wanted to be the guy in charge, ruling over Lilith. Lilith was a feminist and would have nothing to do with that. Lilith claimed she and Adam were equal because they were formed from the same dust. Naturally they quarreled. Eventually Lilith got so sick of dealing with Adam that she ran away from the Garden. While she was wandering the desolate world she ran into the archangel Samael with whom she developed a sexual relationship. She was satisfied by Samael so when Elohim sent three angels to force her to return to Adam she refused and said from that time forward she would weaken and kill babies as revenge for how poorly Adam treated her.

The angels were able to overpower Lilith and she was forced to promise that any mother who hung an amulet over their baby with the names of the three angels would be safe from her rage. These are known as Lilith Amulets and were used to prevent Sudden Infant Death Syndrom (SIDS).

Today Lilith lives in a cave with all the demons she spawned from her relationship with Samael (who is now known as the angel of death). She causes wet dreams and when a vain young woman spends too much time posing in front of a mirror Lilith is able to slip through the mirror and take possession of that girl so she can stir her desires. This causes the young woman to become really slutty and have sex with the young men who live in her neighborhood.

Some people claim that it was Lilith who convinced Eve to partake of the forbidden fruit as an act of revenge, but that just seems crazy.



ADDENDUM

I shared this post with my friend Sinn Solace and he had this to say:

My favorite part of the Lilith lore is that she seems pretty reasonable, smart, and independent until she leaves the garden. Its only when you get the male angels coming back to tell everyone what Lilith is up to that you get the real crazy stuff.

ADAM: So guys, how's my ex? Did she say anything about me? Is she still shackin' up with that Sam dude? Is his loincloth cooler than mine?

ANGEL: Man, she is a total bitch. I was like, "Hey you need to shut up and get back to yer man" and she was all like "Dude, I have a family and a house and a mortgage and I'm so over Adam and his bullshit"

ADAM: No way, she didn't say that.

ANGEL: Totes did. I told her her new boyfriend is like, a total jackass and is like 500 feet tall with scary laser eyes but she just blew me off. Women. I'll bet she's pms'ing. That's a thing right? Or are we not fallen yet? Fuck, whatever. I'll bet she eats babies.

ADAM: Fer real, yo. What a crazy skank. Forget her.