The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 4 – Jacob meets his cousin Rachel and starts to work for his uncle

Some cousins are more expensive than others

As soon as Jacob arrived in Haran he met Rachel. He was so impressed by her very young body that he got water from the well for her sheep, kissed her and told her they were very closely related. Rachel went and told her dad Laban that his sister’s son had come to visit. After Jacob had been living with Laban for a month Laban said, “You know, it’s just not proper for you to work for me for free. Tell me what I should give you for pay.” This was an easy answer for Jacob who had been hot for cousin since he first saw Rachel. He said, “I will work for you for seven years in exchange for your daughter Rachel.” Laban liked this deal because he figured it was better than just selling Rachel to someone not so closely related.

After seven short years the happy day of the wedding arrived. Laban threw a huge party and married Rachel’s older sister Leah to Jacob. At the end of the evening Jacob took Leah back to his tent for some conjugal bliss. The next morning when Jacob woke up he noticed that this woman in his bed was not Rachel, NOT RACHEL. The dumb bastard didn’t notice he was fucking the wrong sister!

Naturally Jacob was super upset so he stormed over to his cousin(through his dad)/uncle(through his mom)/father-in-law(through his wife Leah)’s tent and demanded to know why he had been so cruelly deceived. Laban had been expecting this and he coolly replied, “Around these here parts it’s just not natural to sell the younger daughter before her older sister has been sold. Don’t worry, as long as you’re a good little boy and screw Leah’s brains out over this next week you can marry Rachel and pay for her with your next seven years of service.”

So in short order Jacob was married to both of his cousins. The thing was, he just didn’t like Leah that much. Yeah, she had nice eyes but she didn’t have very good skin and was just way too thin. Yahweh noticed and decided that Leah should have children and that Rachel, just like all the cousin/wives before her should be barren (I personally suspect all these women were pre-pubescent rather than barren and that’s why they could have kids further down the road).

So while Jacob was still paying for Rachel, Leah had four sons. First there was Reuben and Leah said, “Surely the Lord hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.” Then there was Simeon and Leah said, “Because the Lord hath heard that I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also.” Third was Levi and Leah said, “Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons.” Finally she had Judah. By then she had figured out that it didn’t matter how many sons she had, Jacob was never going to see her as anything other than an easy lay when Rachel wasn’t in the mood so she just said, “Now will I praise the Lord.”

Ref: Genesis 29