Abraham’s Plan for Murder – Yahweh has it in for Isaac

The best part is that Abraham didn’t think it was weird when God told him to kill his son

After years of trying, Abraham and his wife/cousin Sarah finally made a baby. They named him Isaac and he immediately became the favorite child. Sarah was so excited about Isaac. She wanted Isaac to be the uncontested heir of all the family wealth so she convinced Abraham to get rid of his sex slave Hagar and their 14-year-old son Ishmael.

Several years later, Yahweh got really bored one day (more jealous than bored, really) and decided to mess with his good friend Abraham. He showed up at Abraham’s tent and said, “You sent away Ishmael so now you only have one son. I know you love this new son more than anything. That doesn’t work really well for me, so I need you to prove you still like me best by taking Isaac on a little trip and then sacrificing him to me as a burnt offering. You know how I love those.”

I suppose Abraham was at least a little upset by this, even though the bible doesn’t say so, because he waited until the next morning before taking Isaac, two slaves, a donkey, and wood for a fire out for a walk. They walked for three days to get to the place Yahweh wanted Isaac killed; then Abraham stopped and told the slaves to wait with the donkey. He and Isaac then wandered off to be alone. Of course Abraham made Isaac carry the wood.

Isaac was a little confused and asked his father, “I see you have a knife and a torch while I carry the wood for a sacrifice, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham lied to Isaac and said, “The Lord will provide.” Because of the lie I’m sure Isaac was shocked pretty bad when Abraham tied him up and laid him on the wood. He may have even cried out for help, but of course the slaves had been ordered to stay with the donkey.

Abraham picked up the knife and just as he laid it on his son’s neck, Yahweh decided He’d had His fun and sent an angel to stop Abraham from committing filicide. The angel told Abraham he didn’t have to kill his only acknowledged son anymore because he’d demonstrated that he still loved Yahweh more than anything else.

Then, because Yahweh still wanted to feast on blood, fat, and kidneys; He magically provided Abraham with a ram. The ram was substituted for Isaac and Yahweh got his burnt offering. However, Yahweh was going to have to wait a long time before the descendants of Abraham started offering human sacrifices.

Moral: Don’t have a favorite son or God will get all jealous and stuff.

Ref: Genesis 21-22

Crossing the Red Sea - Moses Part VIII

We still have one more “hard heart” miracle to go . . .

Once the Hebrews were safely out of Egypt, they started to head toward Palestine so they could kill everyone there and take their land. Yahweh was worried that if the people went straight from slavery to war, they would head back to Egypt and ask to be enslaved again. To avoid this, Yahweh had Moses and Aaron take the people the long way through the Red Sea wilderness. To make doubly sure, Yahweh Himself led the people. He appeared as a pillar of cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night.

Because Yahweh got bored easily He led His people into a trap. Once they were safely camped near the shore of the Red Sea in a place where the wilderness hedged them in, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart one last time. Magically modified Pharaoh didn’t waste any time in gathering a huge force of chariots to kill a bunch of Hebrews and re-enslave the rest.

Once the Hebrews saw the approaching force they got all upset and demanded to know why they were led out of Egypt if they were just going to die in the wilderness. It’s ok though. You see, Yahweh had a plan. The real reason he hardened Pharaoh’s heart this last time was so He could kill a whole bunch more Egyptians. Yahweh had Moses divide the Red Sea so His people could cross on dry ground. Then the magic pillar of cloud moved behind the Hebrews and temporarily blinded the Egyptian forces by blocking all the light.



crossing on dry land

 After about a day of walking, the Hebrews were almost across the Sea and Yahweh released Pharaoh’s army from darkness. The chariots raced through the magic passage, but once they were too far in to escape, Yahweh made their chariot wheels pop off. Then, when all the Hebrews were safely across the sea, Yahweh told Moses to close the passage and every single Egyptian soldier drowned.

Moral: avoid joining the Military at all costs if your country’s population is more than 50% Hebrew slaves. Otherwise, there is a good change Yahweh will kill you.

Ref: Exodus 13:17 – 14:31

Yahweh: Baby Killer - Moses Part VII

If you kill enough babies, you can accomplish anything.

Once Yahweh finished showing off his cool plagues he finally got down to business. He had Moses have Aaron tell all the Israelites to steal (borrow without intent to return) a whole bunch of jewels, gold, and silver from their Egyptian neighbors. Once the Hebrews got their hands on all the riches they could gather/steal, they had to kill a whole bunch of baby sheep and paint the door frames of all the Hebrews. Then they had a big party and ate a whole bunch of lamb and unleavened bread.

That night Yahweh wandered around killing the firstborn of every household that didn’t have a bloody door frame. Of course I’m not sure if Yahweh couldn’t tell the difference between Hebrews and Egyptians, or He just really wanted blood all over the place, you know, for decoration and stuff. In any case, because Yahweh is a god, He was able to visit several hundred thousand households and kill all sorts of kids. He also got all the firstborn cattle.

Once the Egyptians noticed all the death, including Pharaoh’s heir, Pharaoh had Moses and Aaron pulled out of their beds and taken to his palace. He told them to take the Hebrew slaves and leave the country before all the Egyptians ended up dead. Of course this was what the Hebrews had been waiting for, so they took all the riches they looted from the Egyptians and booked it out of there. As far as I know, they are the only foreign group to ever live in Egypt for 430 years and eventually outnumber the ‘native’ population without leaving a single shred of evidence for future scholars to discover. Once you start to work with Yahweh, everything becomes miraculous.

Moral: when it comes to baby killing, sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands: if you’re a god.

Ref: Exodus 11 - 12

Note: I would really like someone to explain to me how the Egyptians and Hebrews lived side by side for 430 years without losing any of their racial identity if they started to mingle soon after the first Hebrew arrived (Genesis 41:45). The original Hebrew population in Egypt was only seventy individuals, many of whom were already 50% Egyptian by their mothers. You think that in 430 years seventy people grew to 600,000 adult men (Exodus 12:37) and probably 900,000 women and children without any additional Egyptian contributions?

The current rate of population growth requires modern medicine and super progressive agricultural techniques. It is higher than the population growth 4,000 years ago. If we assume the 70 original super baby-hungry Hebrews managed today’s rate of global population growth, they would have numbered 7,730 individuals after 430 years if they had not mixed with the Egyptians. For them to arrive at a final exodus population of 1,400,000 ‘Hebrews’ they must have been genetically 99.5% Egyptian.

Of course the Hebrews could have done it easily if they managed to equal the highest population growth rate ever observed anywhere on the planet at a time when the annual world population growth was close to zero. I have a hard time believing they could achieve near 0% infant mortality, close to zero losses due to childhood illnesses and produce enough much food to sustain growth if they spent most of their day making bricks and didn’t have modern irrigation, farm equipment, or health care.

Good thing that with God, all things are possible.

Yahweh’s Wonders – “Thunder bolt and lightning very very frightening me”

Why did Yahweh work so hard to impress Pharaoh if He was just going to use magic to make sure Pharaoh wasn’t impressed? Because He’s an exhibitionist.

When Moses and Aaron went to visit Pharaoh the second time, Aaron turned his staff into a snake to impress Pharaoh. Of course Pharaoh wasn’t impressed and called in his personal magicians who also turned their rods into snakes. Because Aaron’s snake was a Yahweh snake it was tougher than the average snake and ate all the magician’s snakes. Unfortunately for the slaves, Yahweh “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” to make sure he didn’t get all worried and let the slaves go.

The next day Yahweh told Moses to tell Aaron to touch the river water with his magic snake rod. This turned the river to blood and all the fish died. This was pretty impressive, but again Pharaoh’s magicians duplicated the feat and Yahweh did his heart hardening bit so the slaves had to stay.

The next trick was frogs. Moses told Aaron to summon about a bazillion frogs. These frogs got everywhere. They covered the entire country. Then, the magicians duplicated the feat and made things even worse! Finally Pharaoh got fed up and asked Moses and Aaron to ask Yahweh to get rid of the frogs, promising that as soon as the frogs were gone the Hebrew slaves would all be released. Once the frogs were gone though, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart and the slaves had to stay.

They repeated this exact pattern for lice, and then for flies. After Pharaoh reversed his promise for the flies Moses and Aaron started to sing the part they knew of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, because who doesn’t love that song, I mean really? Even more surprising was the fact that Pharaoh joined in.

Moses: But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me.
Aaron: He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Moses: Easy come easy go will you let me go?
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.
Pharaoh: Will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.

Pharaoh: Never! Never let you go.

Moses: Let me go, never let me go ooo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for me - for me



Queen: Greatest Hits



While you would think performing Queen’s music a cappella would solve any property dispute, not even such joyful sounds could overcome Yahweh’s persistent hardening of Pharaoh’s heart. Even after Aaron and Moses killed all the Egyptian cattle, gave the Egyptians boils, made fire rain down from heaven, caused a plague of locusts, and made everything dark for three days, Pharaoh just couldn’t shake that heart hardening. Oh well.

Moral: no amount of singing or magic can overcome a hard heart once Yahweh gets involved.

Ref: Exodus 7 - 10

Moses Makes Things Worse – Moses Part V

‘Bush’ Yahweh is a jerk He deliberately made all those people suffer, just to make a good story.

After Moses got to Egypt he hooked up with his brother Aaron and the two of them went and talked to the elders of Israel. Aaron did the talking of course, and convinced the elders that they were sent by Yahweh to free the people. The elders got super excited and praised the lord and all that.

You may remember from the previous bible story that Yahweh told Moses the slaves would not be freed at first because Yahweh was going to harden Pharaoh’s heart until after all the plagues were finished and Yahweh got to kill Pharaoh’s son. Apparently Moses forgot, because when he went to visit Pharaoh the next day, he was really surprised when Pharaoh didn’t just let everyone go. Instead Pharaoh decided that if the people had time to pray to Yahweh, they weren’t working hard enough. We should probably forgive Moses for forgetting about the whole, “I won’t free the slaves until after I get to do all sorts of cool storybook stuff first.” After all, he was 80 years old at that point.

Pharaoh commanded that the supply of straw to the brick-making slaves stop. To take up some of that free time, the slaves would now be required to gather their own grass and stubble to make the bricks. Of course the number of bricks being produced couldn’t drop to make sure the new initiative would help reduce all that wasteful prayer time.

Moses got mad after the new straw program went into effect and demanded that Yahweh tell him why he was sent to free the slaves if asking just got them more work. “For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” Of course Yahweh had an answer. He went on and on and on about how he was remembering his people and would free them. Seriously, He wouldn’t shut up about it. After several hours of this incredibly repetitive rhetoric Yahweh finally got around to saying, “Just go back to Pharaoh again. This time I’ll help out and tell you what to say.”

Moral: to serve God properly, you must first confront Vader alone. Then, only then, a Jedi will you be.

Ref: Exodus 4:27 – 6:30

God Convinces Moses to Help – Moses Part IV

Why is it that bible readers think “burning bush” means ‘flaming shrubbery’ instead of ‘giant mass of pubic hair, concealing an inflamed vagina, sore from the burning pain of syphilis or gonorrhea?’

After Moses made a baby with Zipporah, Egypt’s Pharaoh died and Yahweh FINALLY noticed the Hebrews were upset about the situation HE had landed them in by executing HIS seven-year drought plan; miraculously HE also remembered HIS promise to take care of Abraham’s descendants at the same time. Yahweh decided to use Moses as a tool to free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and transport them to Palestine where they could completely wipe out the Palestinian peoples.

To get Moses’ attention, Yahweh turned Himself into a bush and started to shoot out flame. This was an amazing sight to Moses who abandoned his flock of sheep to investigate. Moses needed to see how flame could be coming from the bush and the bush itself did not burn. Once Moses got close, Yahweh spoke out from the center of the bush. He said, “Hey, I noticed the Hebrews are upset about their current situation. I’m a magic bush and will use that magic to bring them to Palestine so they can wipe out the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Pertizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. It’s a great place and once all the current inhabitants are dead the descendants of Abraham will be a great people without peer.”

While Moses was clearly impressed by the bush trick, he didn’t think he was the man for the job. The burning bush taught Moses a cool trick he could use to turn his staff into a snake, but Moses still wasn’t convinced because he had a bad stutter. Then the burning bush got really mad and started to shout. It yelled, “Who made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?” While Moses was thinking this over, the bush said, “Look, you have a brother in Egypt. His name is Aaron. He’s good at public speaking so you can tell him what to say and he’ll do it; and don’t even bring up your problem with the law. Everybody that knew you were a murderer is dead now and they don’t keep good records over there. Seriously; don’t sweat it, you’ll be just fine.”

There was a catch however; that damn flaming bush told Moses it wouldn’t be easy to free the slaves. Moses was going to perform all sorts of wonders to convince the new Pharaoh to release the slaves, but the bush was going to make damn sure that Pharaoh would not release them until after the bush murdered Pharaoh’s son.

Moses got permission from his father-in-law to head down to Egypt and take his wife Zipporah and their son Gershom. Of course on the way to Egypt Yahweh tried to kill Moses in an inn and Zipporah used genital mutilation to scare Him off and everything turned out alright; but that’s another story.

Moral: if the bush is a burnin’ it must be a true bush. You should totally trust it. Also, Yahweh likes to kill people who stay at inns.

Ref: Exodus 3:1 – 4:26

Dragons and Isaiah – Awesome

Everything is better with dragons!





The Book

August 2, 1979 was a great day in American history. On that day a speculative natural history titled “The Flight of Dragons” was published. It was written by Peter Dickinson and fully illustrated by Wayne Anderson. It argued that flying dragons really existed and were responsible for the widespread tales of dragons throughout the cultures of the world. They were super modified dinosaurs that used hydrochloric acid to dissolve rapidly growing bone to produce hydrogen. They filled up like balloons and floated around. This ability to fly developed as a survival mechanism. They breathed fire by expelling the highly flammable hydrogen through their mouths as a necessity because they produced it quite rapidly. There are no remains of any dragon because the chemical reaction to produce the hydrogen had highly corrosive byproducts and a dragon’s body would simply dissolve after death.



The Film

 In 1982 the information from the book and the plot from the 1976 book “The Dragon and the George” were combined into an animated feature with the title “The Flight of Dragons.” The film focused strongly on the loss of magic from the world as it was replaced by logic and science. In the final showdown between the protagonist Peter Dickinson (played by John Ritter) and the evil wizard Ommadon (played by James Earl Jones), Peter used a discussion of logic and science to completely destroy Ommadon. As of 21 May 2013 you can watch this scene on youtube.

Now pay attention! This is the part where the bible starts to come in.


Ommadon: “I can do anything. Test me. Do you want me to reach up and pluck down the Sun?”

Peter: “You can’t do that.”

Ommadon: “Why? Why, you insect? Why?”

Peter: “Seven heads and each one a simpleton. Don’t you know what you reach for isn’t in that position anymore?”

Ommadon: “The Sun is the Sun. I can see where it is.”

Peter: “Where it was pipsqueak. Any schoolboy knows that light travels at 186,300 miles per second. What you see is the Sun’s position eight and a half minutes ago.”

Ommadon: “No magic but mine can move the Sun. I command it.”

Peter: “Not magic gas-head, mathematics.”



The Inspiration for the Plot

The book of Isaiah tells us that once upon a time, King Hezekiah was really sick and was about to die. He was smart though, and prayed to Yahweh for a return to health. Yahweh sent Isaiah to tell Hezekiah that he wasn’t going to die from his sickness. Yahweh was going to add 15 years to his life and as an added bonus Yahweh would keep the Assyrians from conquering Jerusalem. To prove to Hezekiah that he was telling the truth, Yahweh made the Sun move back 10 degrees in the sky.

You see, no magic but Yahweh’s can move the Sun. Of course because we now know that the earth revolves around the sun, rather than the Sun revolving around the Earth, so Jahweh wasn’t really moving the Sun anyway. He quickly reversed the Earth’s rotation, and then let it return to normal.

This is how cool Yahweh is: The Earth turns at 1,070 miles per hour. Its velocity was reversed instantaneously for a total velocity change of 2,140 miles per hour and nobody on the planet felt it. Then it spun backward for 700 miles and reversed velocity again. Yahweh is so good at damping momentum that the only way anyone could tell Yahweh was jacking with the Earth was by watching a sundial. Awesome!

Moral: no magic but Yahweh’s can move the sun.

Ref: Isaiah 38: 1-8

Daughter Selling – There are rules for everything

If you have to raise a daughter, you can recoup some of the loss by selling her

Yahweh is super smart. He is so smart that he knew a lot of Hebrews were going to be selling their daughters and needed some rules for the buyers.

First Rule: Once a daughter is sold as a sex slave she doesn’t automatically go free after six years like the male Hebrew slaves.

Second Rule: If the sex slave isn’t good in bed and in the kitchen, the buyer has to sell her back to her father. He can’t sell her to foreigners because he broke the whole “I will buy you and make you my sex slave/house elf” contract.

Third Rule: If the new owner bought the girl so he could give her to his son for marriage, he has to give her all the rights and privileges he would give to his own daughter.

Fourth Rule: If the new owner buys another wife he can’t reduce the food, clothing, or sex he was giving the first wife/slave before the second purchase. If the owner fails to provide the sex, food, and clothes the sex slave goes free.

It’s a really good thing we have these rules, otherwise young girls, fathers, and prospective buyers would just be running around crazy all the time. That sort of chaos is clearly contrary to the statutes of a proper society. Hurray for Yahweh and his rules for the selling, buying, and disposal of those things men need for the sex and basket weaving.

Moral: before selling your daughter, check with your local religious leader to make sure you’re following the rules properly.

Ref: Exodus 21: 7-11

King Saul – King Today, Gone Tomorrow

Saul is really stupid, or is it Yahweh?

For a long time after Moses took the Israelites out of Egypt, they did not have a king. Eventually the little crybabies got tired of all the other nations having kings while they went without. “It’s just not fair” they complained. They organized protests and marches and stuff, all the while trying to bully Yahweh’s favorite prophet, Samuel, into letting them have a king. Samuel was not happy about this and kept trying to convince everyone that kings were bad. They took everyone’s money to make sure they were super rich and they made decisions that weren’t in the best interest of the population like, all the time. They masses didn’t care though. They had decided they wanted a king and nothing Samuel said could dissuade them.

Eventually Samuel prayed to Yahweh and said, “Your people won’t stop bugging me about this king thing. It really hurts my feelings because I am the prophet and want to make sure your prophets are always in charge.” Yahweh responded, “Stop being such a drama queen Samuel. The people aren’t rejecting you anyway. They’re rejecting me. Go ahead and find them a king.” This wasn’t hard for a seer of Samuel’s caliber. He quickly settled on Saul. Saul was not only the “goodliest” person in Israel, he was also the tallest.

After a ton of really boring drama crap that mostly involved threats to the general population, Saul became the undisputed King of Israel. Two years later the Israelites and Philistines were getting ready for a big battle. When Saul’s people noticed how many Philistines had shown up, they kinda freaked out a little and scattered, hiding in “caves, and in thickets, and in rocks, and in high places, and in pits.” Saul was concerned by this, but he waited patiently because Samuel had told him to wait for seven days. At which time, Samuel would offer a sacrifice to Yahweh and then the Israelites would stomp the piss out of the Philistines.

Seven days came and went. Saul was disappointed Samuel hadn’t shown up, but because he felt responsible for his people’s welfare he went ahead and made the burnt offering himself. As soon as the fire died down though, who should arrive but Samuel? Samuel marched right over to Saul, slapped him across the face, and said, “What the fuck man? Are you retarded?”

Saul said, “Well, there were all these Philistines, and you didn’t show up. I knew we needed Yahweh’s help so I made the sacrifice myself.” Samuel replied, “That was really fucking stupid. Yahweh was totally ready to make your kingdom last forever, but because you were so dumb and sacrificed when you weren’t supposed to, now you can’t be king anymore. Yahweh is going to find someone else who isn’t going to make terrible mistakes like this.”

Yes, that’s right. Because Saul asked for help from Yahweh, Yahweh abandoned him. Let this be a lesson to any of you who might be considering asking God for help. DON’T DO IT!

Ref: 1 Samuel 8-13

Samuel Meets Yahweh – How hearing voices can be a good thing

I’m sure that Samuel was NOT schizophrenic; absolutely certain

Samuel grew up in the temple because his mom turned him over to the Lord right after he stopped nursing. He was mostly raised by the old priest Eli. One night when Samuel was still a kid he heard a voice call him right after he went to bed. The voice said, “Samuel.” Because Samuel wasn’t used to hearing unexplained voices he got out of bed, walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli immediately recognized this as a tactic to delay bedtime so he said, “I didn’t call you Samuel. Go back to bed. This time stay there.”

Right after Samuel lay down in his bed again he heard the same voice call, “Samuel.” Once again Samuel walked to Eli’s room and said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” Eli was annoyed that Samuel had left his bed again, so this time he said, “Look Samuel, I didn’t call you. I’m sorry you can’t sleep but you just need to lay there in the dark. I heard somewhere that lying away in bed is almost as good as sleep anyway if you hold still and don’t make any noise.”

So Samuel went back to bed again. Just as you might expect he heard the same voice again a third time. Because Samuel didn’t want to get into any more trouble with Eli, he walked to Eli’s room and third time and once again said, “I heard you call me. Here I am.” By now Eli was getting really upset and he said, “Look kid, I haven’t been calling you. If you hear this alleged voice again you need to just stay in bed. If you’re that worried about it, you could even try talking to the voice to see if it can hear you.”

The fourth time Samuel heard this voice he stayed in bed just like Eli told him and said, “Why are you calling my name? Please tell me.” Then the voice, which turned out to be Yahweh said, “I have some important stuff to tell you Samuel. Eli’s not a very good father to his biological children. They do all sorts of bad stuff like have sex with the young women who gather outside the tabernacle and Eli hasn’t done anything to stop them. Therefore I’m going to destroy him and his children. They will never be forgiven for their crimes, and when I say never I mean it.”

The next morning when Eli was well-rested it occurred to him that maybe the reason Samuel was acting so strangely the night before was because Yahweh was trying to talk with him. Eli immediately wanted to know why Yahweh was talking with Samuel instead of with him so he called Samuel and said, “Look, I know you were talking with Yahweh last night and you are going to tell me everything he said or I will beat you until your outsides and in and your inside are out. Capisce?”

So Samuel told Eli what Yahweh told him and Eli said, “Well, if that’s what Yahweh wants to do who’s going to stop him. After all, He is the Lord.”

Yep. Definitely not schizophrenic.

Ref: 1 Samuel 3

Yahweh Kills Korah and his Buddies – When in doubt, kill. It’s what God wants.

Letting the Lord be a part of your daily life seems like a good way to get killed

And it came to pass that in the days of Moses wherein the children of Israel sojourned in the desert that Korah the Levite and 250 of the great princes of the assembly rose up to address Moses. That’s right, you heard me. Korah and his celebrity friends went to have a little chat with Moses one day. They said, “Moses and Aaron, you two have way too much power to decide what happens to us. You need to share some of that responsibility and authority. Everyone in the congregation is a holy person and Yahweh is with all of us. Why then do the two of you use your ‘holiness’ as an excuse to boss everyone around?”

Moses was not pleased these individuals were challenging his authority. Fortunately he was quick on his feet and instantly formulated a plan. He said, “Alright then. All of you all who are here challenging us bring some incense tomorrow and you will burn it to honor Yahweh. Aaron and his priests will do the same. Then Yahweh will show us who is holy.” Moses then had a talk with God and told Him to not accept the offering of Korah and his buddies.

At the time set aside for burning the incense the next day Moses said, “Everyone pay attention. Yahweh put me in charge of you all. If these men who are assembled against me die, it means I’m in charge. If the Lord visits them peacefully it means that I’m not supposed to be in charge.” Right after Moses stopped talking a huge pit appeared in the ground. Korah, all his relatives, their houses, and all their property fell into the pit. Then Yahweh shot out streams of flame that consumed the 250 celebrity princes with the incense.

The next day the surviving children of Israel started to complain because Moses had killed so many of the Lord’s people; as you might expect. Because Yahweh can’t stand whining he said to Moses, “Get away from all these people so I can destroy them too.” Moses didn’t want EVERYONE to die so he made Aaron grab some incense and run like crazy among the people so the Lord would not destroy them. This sort of worked. Only 14,700 people were killed for complaining instead of everyone.

Moral: Don’t complain, seriously. If you do Yahweh will get you!

Ref: Numbers 16

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 6 – Rachel is a very naughty girl

Always make sure your favorite wife isn’t a criminal before describing the terms of punishment

After Jacob decided to leave Laban to head home with his wives, livestock, slaves, and other riches his favorite wife Rachel snuck into her father’s tent and stole his collection of images. These images were the little pagan gods Laban worshiped and Rachel was nervous about leaving home without them.

As soon as Laban figured out that Jacob had taken off with his daughters and grandchildren he gathered up his “brethren” (whatever that means) and chased down Jacob. The night before he caught Jacob Yahweh showed up and told Laban to “Take heed that speak not to Jacob either good or bad.” Laban didn’t have his pagan gods with him (because that bitch Rachel stole them) so he decided to keep Yahweh’s instruction in mind when he caught up with Jacob.

“You jerk,” Laban blurted out as soon as he got close to Jacob. “How dare you take away my daughters like a bandit that comes in the night? You were very foolish to take away my opportunity to throw a going away party and to kiss my grandchildren farewell. Now, I would be kicking your ass right now if Yahweh hadn’t told me to behave myself. As it is, I understand you want to go home after all these years working for me. I just need to know: Why the hell did you steal my gods?”

Jacob responded, “I snuck away because I was afraid you would take your daughters from me by force. As for the gods, I didn’t take them, but I will help you look for them and we will kill whoever has them.” They searched through the camp, but Rachel was very clever and hid the gods under her camel’s saddle and sat upon it. Then when her dad came into the tent she said, “I’m sorry I don’t stand up to greet you, but I’m on the rag right now, so what can you do, right?”

Due to that lying bitch Rachel’s cleverness Laban didn’t find his gods and Jacob got upset and yelled at Laban for harassing them after he’d worked for him the past 20 years to earn the daughters and the cattle. Laban felt a little badly about the situation then so he said, “You know, all these people; they come from me. They are either my daughters or grandchildren. The animals also come from me. How then could I ever do anything to harm any of them? Let us make a promise now to never try to kill each other.

So they held this big ceremonial promise thing involving a big pile of rocks and Laban went home. Rachel kept those gods though, the crafty bitch.

Ref: Genesis 31:19-55

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 5 – Jacob works for his uncle/cousin/father-in-law a bunch more

Yahweh takes a hand at genetic engineering

Now Rachel was pretty mad that Leah kept having kids and she didn’t. Of course she didn’t realize that the arrival of pubic hair and breasts are usually seen as a prerequisite. To deal with the situation Rachel gave one of her slaves to Jacob to make babies. This slave had two sons, Dan and Naphtali, which Rachel claimed as her own. Not to be outdone Leah gave her slave to Jacob and she had two sons, Gad and Asher. Then one day Rachel noticed Leah’s son Reuben had found a bunch of mandrakes. Rachel told Leah to give her the mandrakes. Leah didn’t want to and said, “What the hell? It’s bad enough that you stole my husband, but now you want my son’s mandrakes? No way bitch!” Rachel was a clever girl and usually knew how to get her way. She said, “Look, if you give me the mandrakes I’ll make sure Jacob has sex with you tonight.” Leah was really hard up so she agreed and Jacob started having sex with her again. She had two more sons, Issachar and Zebulun, and a daughter, Dinah.

FINALLY enough time passed that Rachel hit puberty. She was then able to get pregnant and had a son which she named Joseph of the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat.

After Joseph was born Jacob went and asked Laban, his cousin/uncle/father-in-law, permission to take his wives and children and go back home. Laban didn’t like that idea very much. He said that Yahweh was clearly helping him out because Jacob was there and invited Jacob to stay and work longer. He just had to name his price. Jacob agreed to stay in exchange for all the speckled and spotted cows and goats and the brown sheep. This sounded ok to Laban, but he didn’t count on Jacob and Yahweh being such sneaky bastards. You see, every time the strong non-speckled/brown animals would get together to make babies Jacob set some striped sticks in the ground in front of them. All the animals that conceived while looking at the sticks had brown or speckled babies which then belonged to Jacob. He let the weak animals conceived naturally so Laban only got the inferior offspring.

After a while Laban figured out something was fishy about the arrangement with Jacob and he stopped being such a fan of having Jacob work for him. Yahweh noticed and told Jacob it was time to take all his stuff and move back home. Jacob had a family meeting and asked his wives what they thought. Leah said, “Screw that old bastard. He sold me to some jerk that doesn’t even like me.” And Rachel said, “Yeah. He sold me too; way before I was old enough to make babies. That was really bad for my self-esteem. Screw that bastard. We’re both going with you and our kids.”

Ref: Genesis 30:1 - 31:18

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 3 – Jacob steals the birthright

It’s the way Yahweh wanted it: honest

When Isaac got old enough that he couldn’t see very well anymore he decided it was just about time to die so he called in his favorite son, Chewbacca, and said, “I’m going to die soon, so please go kill a deer and make me some of that savory meat I love so much. Then I’m going to bless you.” Well, Isaac’s wife Rebekah heard this and because she liked Chewy’s twin brother Jacob best she hatched a plan to get him Isaac’s end-of-life blessing.

Rebekah told Jacob to go kill two baby goats and make savory meat the way Isaac liked it so he could get the super awesome magical blessing. Jacob immediately saw a flaw in this plan and said, “I’m all for tricking Dad to get this blessing thing, but I’m pretty sure he’ll notice I’m not Chewy. I mean look at him. He could easily pass for a bantha and I’m smoother than Mark Hamill.” This was no obstacle for Rebekah who replied, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it covered. I’m just going to dress you in Chewy’s clothes and cover your exposed skin in goat pelts.”

After the whole façade had been put together Jacob walked into his dad’s tent and said, “It’s your favorite son, Chewy. I got you the meat just like you wanted so now bless me.” Isaac wasn’t retarded so he immediately suspected something was up and asked, “How did you get this meat so quickly, and why do you sound like Jacob?”

Isaac may not have been retarded but he was definitely gullible. So when Jacob said, “I got the meat so fast because Yahweh helped me get it and you can totally tell I’m Chewy because I feel all hairy. Seriously, check it out,” Isaac believed him. Just to be sure though, Isaac felt Jacob’s arms and hands and smelled his clothes. The hands and arms were hairy and the clothes sure smelled like Chewy’s clothes: good to go.

Isaac ate the meat, washed it down with some wine, and blessed Jacob to always have dew from heaven, the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine. Isaac also blessed Jacob to be master of other nations and the master of his siblings forever.

As soon as the blessing was finished Jacob booked it out of there. Just in time too, because right after Jacob left Isaac’s tent Chewy showed up with his meat and asked for the blessing. Isaac said, “Oh no! I can’t. I already gave it to your brother who tricked me. I blessed him to be your master and have endless wine. There’s nothing left for you.” Then Chewy said, “Augh, I hate that little rat-bastard. First he tricked me out of getting to be in charge of the family after you die, and now he gets to be the boss of me. He even gets all the wine.” Then Isaac felt bad so he gave Chewy a mini blessing to have dew from heaven and to someday not have Jacob be in charge of him anymore.

This wasn’t nearly enough to calm Chewy’s rage. He swore that as soon as their dad died he was going to kill Jacob to get even. When Rebekah heard about this plan she sent Jacob to live with her brother Laban in Haran and told him to not come back until she sent for him. You know, so Chewy could have a few years to cool off.

Ref: Genesis 27

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 2 – Jacob and Esau

Sibling rivalry on a biblical scale

In proper keeping with family tradition, just like Abraham’s cousin/wife, Isaac’s cousin/wife Rebekah was barren (note: if fertility is a problem in your family, stop marrying your cousins). But it was ok because Isaac was a good little boy who prayed to Yahweh. Yahweh then helped Rebekah get pregnant. In fact, Yahweh is so good at the whole pregnancy thing that Rebekah ended up carrying twins. The first one came out as a hairy carpet and looked very much like Chewbacca so for this story we’ll just call him Chewy. The second one was Jacob who came out nice and smooth.

Chewy was a hard worker and spent most of his time hunting. Jacob spent all his time in the tents, having his nails done, his hair styled, and trying on clothes. Their father, Isaac, liked Chewy best because he was a man’s man, provided delicious animals to eat, and was the starting left tackle for four years at Notre Dame. Rebekah liked Jacob best because he looked really sharp and was always game for a late brunch, an afternoon of shopping, or an evening of cupcakes and cocktails.

One evening Jacob was sitting outside with some lentil soup and bread he’d nicked from the kitchen when Chewy came home from a long day of work outside. Chewy hadn’t eaten all day and was super hungry. He said, “Hey girly man, give me that food or I’ll pummel you.” Jacob wasn’t about to be pushed around by a thug like Chewbacca so he said, “You wouldn’t dare. Mom would never feed you again if you laid a finger on me. In fact, if you want this food you’re going to have to promise me that I get to be head of the family after Dad dies.” Chewy knew he’d been outmaneuvered so he said, “Fine. It won’t do me much good if I starve to death. Just give me the food and you can be in charge after dad dies.”

So Chewy ate his newly acquired food and went back to work, having been cleverly outmaneuvered by his sissy little brother.

Ref: Genesis 25: 20-34

The expansive epic of Jacob, son of Isaac: Part 1 – Isaac and Rebekah get hitched

Yahweh is really good at finding hot virgins

When Abraham got really old he decided that it was time for his son Isaac to get married. However, he didn’t want to see his son with one of those nasty local girls so he called in his senior slave and said, “I need you to put your hand UNDER MY THIGH and promise you won’t find Isaac a wife among the locals. You have to go to my hometown and fetch one of his cousins.” The slave then asked, “What if the woman doesn‘t want to travel all the way back here? Should I go find a girl, then come back here, then take Isaac out to meet her?” Abraham replied, “No! Not just no, but hell no! Yahweh told me this land here is for my descendants. My son stays here!”

So the slave took a bunch of loot and walked from Canaan back to the city of Nahor in Mesopotamia (about 100 miles). When he got there he prayed to Yahweh saying, “God of Abraham. Make it so the woman you want for Isaac offers to get water for my camels so I can tell who it is.” Isaac’s cousin Rebekah immediately showed up and gave water to the slave and the camels. Fortunately Isaac’s cousin was a virgin and pretty.

The slave then went to talk with Rebekah’s parents and told them about his deal with Yahweh regarding the camels. They were very impressed by the story and immediately sold Rebekah to Abraham’s slave. Then Rebekah gathered up her stuff and she and her personal slaves walked back to Canaan to meet Isaac. They got married the day she arrived and moved into Isaac’s mother’s basement. Wait, I mean tent. They moved into Isaac’s mom’s tent.

Ref: Genesis 24

Yahweh burns Aaron’s sons – In which we learn Yahweh is a dick

Why is Jesus always going on about wine, if Yahweh thinks it’s bad?

Once upon a time the Hebrew people were wandering through the wilderness of Southwest Asia after leaving Egypt. While they were out there Yahweh told Aaron (Moses’ brother) to kill a calf and a ram and offer them to the Lord. Yahweh also told Aaron to command the people of Israel to kill a baby goat, a calf, a lamb, a bullock, and a ram and offer them to the Lord.

So everyone gathered together in a huge mob with the animals. Aaron killed the animals, collected their blood in big bowls, took out their innards and washed them, and collected the fat. Then Aaron took the hides, bones, and meat and took them outside the camp and burned them. Once that was finished, Aaron sprinkled the blood on an altar and burned it. Then he put all the guts on the altar and burned them. Finally he put the fat on the altar and burned it.

Yahweh was so happy about all the burning stuff he appeared to the people of Israel like a great big ball of glorious light. Then, according to the Bible, fire shot out of him and consumed the offerings on the altar.  While it seems really reasonable that a big ball of fire would appear floating in the air and shoot down a finger of flame to burn stuff I find this passage confusing. The bible says Aaron burned all the stuff, then after Aaron was done burning stuff, Yahweh showed up to burn the stuff. Did Aaron just not do a good job or what?

Now we get to the point of this story: two of Aaron’s sons (Nadab and Abihu) decided to pray to Yahweh later. They remembered from the whole ball of fire trick that Yahweh liked burning stuff, so they took their incense burners, put incense in them, lit it and offered the burning incense to the Lord. Of course Yahweh was furious because these dumb sons of Aaron made a burnt offering without being told. To punish them Yahweh shot out fire from himself to completely destroy Nadab and Abihu. Turns out they were right about Yahweh liking to burn stuff. They were just confused about what He likes to burn.

Then Yahweh told Aaron and his other sons they were not allowed to mourn the deaths of Nadab and Abihu and he told them to not drink wine. You see, people that do magic in the name of Yahweh can’t drink wine so they will always be able to tell the difference between clean and unclean (here’s lookin’ at you Jesus, ya damn drunk).

Ref: Leviticus 9-10

Jezebel is Eaten by Dogs – Yahweh especially didn’t like Jezebel

If the God can kill people he doesn’t like and feed them to dogs, why do his supposed followers object to such behavior?

You may remember that Queen Jezebel tricked the people of Israel into killing an innocent man so her husband, King Ahab, could take the guy’s land. Then Ahab felt bad and talked nice to Yahweh so Yahweh decided to kill Ahab’s kids instead of Ahab. That stuff is important for this story: honest.

After Ahab died in battle, Yahweh’s prophet Elisha gave one of the sons of the prophets (think of an altar boy) a special mission. This boy went to visit Jehu, poured a box of oil out over his head and said, “Yahweh says you are the king now and He wants you to kill all of Ahab’s kids and his wife Jezebel. Then dogs are going to eat Jezebel.” Then this terrified kid that had just poured oil all over the new king, turned and ran back home.

Jehu was a good man who always did what Yahweh wanted so he headed right out and killed Ahab’s sons. Then he went to visit Jezebel. When he got to the city where she was staying he saw her looking out through a window in the city wall so he called up, “Who here is on my side? Who will help me do the will of Yahweh?” A couple of eunuchs heard him and pitched Jezebel out the window. When she hit the rocky ground blood splattered all over the city wall and Jehu’s riding party (no, I’m not making this up). Then Jehu’s party rode their horses over Jezebel’s body, trampling her, to get into the city.



Jezebel gets pushed out the window

Now, Jehu’s mama done learned him right, so he knew his manners real good. After he finished eating dinner that night he sent some people outside to bury Jezebel. After all, as Jehu pointed out, she was the daughter of a King. However, when the servants got out there to bury Jezebel all they found was her skull, her feet, and the palms of her hands. You know; the parts that dogs don’t like to eat.

When the servants reported back to Jehu he said, “Oh yeah. That’s right. I’d almost forgotten. Yahweh did have a prophet tell me that Jezebel was going to be eaten by dogs. Praise be to Yahweh!”

Note: I always thought it was weird that the dogs would eat the fingers and the other bones, but not the palm. Isn’t the palm of a woman’s hand easier to eat or drag away than her femur?

Ref: 2 Kings 9

The Númenóreans and the Tower of Babel – Proof that Tolkien is better than the nameless hack that wrote the bible

Not all fiction is equal

For those who are weak in Tolkien lore I have prepared this brief summary of the history of Númenor.

Once there was this half-elven guy named Eärendil who was a great hero of Middle Earth. He was so awesome that Manwë, king of the Valar (demi-gods of Middle Earth) said he and his part elven children could decide if they wanted to be elvish or manish. One of his sons, Elrond (you you may remember from The Lord of the Rings), decided to be elvish and his other son, Elros, decided to be manish. Because of his elvish heritage and his awesome dad, he became a special kind of man that lives 300 years. He became the first king of Númenor and his descendents were the Númenóreans, who all live to be 300 years old.

Númenor was this huge island to the West of Middle Earth and after many hundreds of years they became a super powerful kingdom. They also became a super bad kingdom. They decided that not living forever like the elves sucked so they decided to invade the Undying Lands and seize them from the Valar (demi-gods). Then they would be able to live forever. As soon as they landed on the Undying Lands there was this huge cataclysm that completely obliterated the invading fleet and the Undying Lands were removed from the world.

Not all the Númenóreans were bad though. Most of the good ones escaped before this failed invasion and ended up in Middle Earth. Aragorn, who I hope you remember from the films, is one of their descendents. I always thought it was funny he ended up married to Elrond’s daughter Arwen, because she is his first cousin like 30 times removed.

Summary of summary: Númenóreans were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” The gods didn’t like that so they killed the invaders. Also: Aragorn’s relationship with Arwen is naughty.

Now let’s look at the biblical account:

Genesis 11:4 (KJV) And they said, Go to, let us build us a city and a tower, whose top may reach unto heaven; and let us make us a name, lest we be scattered abroad upon the face of the whole earth.

Many contemporary writers claim this passage means the people were making the city and the tall tower to keep all the people in one place, rather than scattering across the earth according to Yahweh’s plan.


This explanation doesn’t work for me because I’m convinced a good portion of the Old Testament was ripped off from Tolkien’s writings, as is the bulk of contemporary fantasy (to be fair, Tolkien ripped off a lot of his stuff from other sources too, like Beowulf). I think the humans were tired of God having all the fun so they decided to invade heaven where they could be like gods and live forever. My reading of the Old Testament reinforces this idea. There is never any indication that people go to heaven after they die. There is no eternal reward or punishment mentioned in Genesis. All punishments and rewards from Yahweh are immediate and temporal in nature.

The people in Babel had no idea they had “eternal spirits.” That concept didn’t show up for another few thousand years. It makes sense therefore that they thought the only way to live forever was to actually build a tower to get to heaven.



Tower to Heaven



One day Yahweh wandered down from heaven to visit the people of Earth and while he was there he noticed the city and tower. This kinda freaked him out and he said, “Holy crap! It looks like if all the people live in the same place and speak the same language they can accomplish anything they put their minds to! They might even find a way to take heaven away from me, or live forever, or make an iPad!”

This simply wouldn’t do, so Yahweh confounded their language so they couldn’t talk to each other and scattered them across the planet. Then just to dick with us, he took all the color from the skin and hair of the people he stuck in Europe and gave it to these in Africa. Then he gave the Asians thick eyelids so the white people would make fun of them for having “squinty eyes.”

Biblical summary: Babelians were cooler than normal people. They got tired of dying so they decided to invade “heaven.” Yahweh didn’t like that so he/she/it scattered the invaders and messed with their language. Also: Yahweh gave Asians thick eyelids.

Ref: Genesis 11:1-9