Christmas - Celebrating unexplained pregnancy

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night

This is Mary. Mary is 14 years old and is very pretty. Mary goes to St. Joseph and St. Phillip’s Middle School in West Vermont.

Mary doesn’t like school though.

Mary likes to party with the High School kids.

Mary has conservative religious parents who worry about her grades and her choices in friends.

Mary’s parents decide the best thing to do is merry her off to a respectable older man named José.

One day José noticed that Mary was unmistakably pregnant. Mary said it was ok though because she was still a virgin.

José didn’t believe Mary and was upset. He went to talk with Mary’s parents.

Mary’s parents said that Mary would never tell a lie, and that she must have been magically made pregnant by God or something like that.

José and Mary got married in secret so people would think it was José that helped Mary get pregnant.

Eventually Mary gave birth. I wasn’t there, so I don’t know. But several decades later, someone wrote that the baby was magic. Perhaps Mary didn’t get pregnant at a drinking party. Perhaps Mary’s parents were right, and Mary was a virgin. Perhaps . . .

Of course Mary wasn’t really that into being a mom, so she hired a nanny and took a job as a “party planner.”

Merry Christmas!

Jesus + water = wine: keeping your priorities straight

This makes me wonder if Jesus + turd = gold nugget

Jesus’ mother Mary was on the Volunteer Special Event Planning Committee of her local congregation, so when one of the young women of the congregation got married Mary ended up doing a big chunk of the planning. Now, you need to understand that when God was rolling Mary’s character he rolled an eight in intelligence, a five in wisdom, and a charisma of 20. This meant Mary could make a really poor decisions like those that led to her getting knocked up by the toothless assistant swine-herd AFTER she was engaged to Joseph, but have the charisma to claim she was still a virgin and pull it off.

This also meant that she only ordered about 1/5^th of the wine a wedding party normally uses. Once the wine ran out she ran off to find Jesus and said, “Jesus, they ran out of wine at the party. Fix it; pretty please?” Jesus didn’t like being used like a convenience store so he said, “Listen Woman. I have nothing to do with you. Besides, I don’t want to start doing public magic yet!”

Mary had known Jesus for a long time so she was used to his disrespectful language and reluctance to help out, but she also knew he would always succumb to social pressure so she said, “Oh, ok. I guess I’ll just go tell everyone that Jesus decided they don’t need any more wine.” Then she whispered to the slaves helping with the party, “Ok, now just do whatever he tells you, even if it seems crazy.”

Jesus knew he was trapped now, so he said, “Fine!” folded his arms, stomped his left food on the ground, pouted just a little, and then called over the slaves. He told them to fill the waterpots with water and take them to the Wedding Planner (WP). Then the WP tasted the water, which was now wine, and called over the groom for a little chat. The WP slapped the groom on the back of the head and said, “Hey, what gives man? I told you yesterday you’re supposed to serve the good wine FIRST, then after everyone is drunk you serve the crappy stuff. You’ve done the exact opposite here, saving the best stuff ‘till now!”

Moral: when Jesus makes wine, He makes really good wine.

Ref: John 2:1-10

Jesus' family comes to visit - Mary gets the cold shoulder

Jesus is really good at sorting priorities

So one day Jesus was hanging out in some house with his "gentlemen friends" and some lawyers from Jerusalem showed up to tell everyone to stop making a big deal out of the whole Jesus Phenomenon since it was perfectly clear to them that Jesus was using the power of Satan to cast out devils. Jesus wasn't going to take that lying down so he politely informed them that was impossible because no devil would ever act to harm another devil because "A house divided against itself cannot stand." He also took advantage of this opportunity to teach. He said, "All sins will be forgiven, unless you disrespect the Holy Spirit. Then you're going  straight to hell. God is definitely not powerful enough to forgive that one."

Then his mom and brothers showed up outside the house. They couldn't get in though because the crowd was too big, so some of the people around him told him that his mommy was calling him.

By this point Jesus' head was so big he figured he didn't need to worry about being good to family anymore so he said, "What a load of crap. I don't need to worry about my actual mother, brothers, or sisters by blood because I have you people. You lot of suckers are way better than them. In fact, from now on anyone who does what I tell them to is the same, if not better, than my mother, sister, or brother. Besides, I'm still upset with my mother for that one time she whipped me when I refused to clean my room."

Ref: Matthew 12:22-48