Yahweh’s Wonders – “Thunder bolt and lightning very very frightening me”

Why did Yahweh work so hard to impress Pharaoh if He was just going to use magic to make sure Pharaoh wasn’t impressed? Because He’s an exhibitionist.

When Moses and Aaron went to visit Pharaoh the second time, Aaron turned his staff into a snake to impress Pharaoh. Of course Pharaoh wasn’t impressed and called in his personal magicians who also turned their rods into snakes. Because Aaron’s snake was a Yahweh snake it was tougher than the average snake and ate all the magician’s snakes. Unfortunately for the slaves, Yahweh “hardened Pharaoh’s heart” to make sure he didn’t get all worried and let the slaves go.

The next day Yahweh told Moses to tell Aaron to touch the river water with his magic snake rod. This turned the river to blood and all the fish died. This was pretty impressive, but again Pharaoh’s magicians duplicated the feat and Yahweh did his heart hardening bit so the slaves had to stay.

The next trick was frogs. Moses told Aaron to summon about a bazillion frogs. These frogs got everywhere. They covered the entire country. Then, the magicians duplicated the feat and made things even worse! Finally Pharaoh got fed up and asked Moses and Aaron to ask Yahweh to get rid of the frogs, promising that as soon as the frogs were gone the Hebrew slaves would all be released. Once the frogs were gone though, Yahweh hardened Pharaoh’s heart and the slaves had to stay.

They repeated this exact pattern for lice, and then for flies. After Pharaoh reversed his promise for the flies Moses and Aaron started to sing the part they knew of Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, because who doesn’t love that song, I mean really? Even more surprising was the fact that Pharaoh joined in.

Moses: But I'm just a poor boy and nobody loves me.
Aaron: He's just a poor boy from a poor family, spare him his life from this monstrosity.
Moses: Easy come easy go will you let me go?
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Aaron: Let him go.
Pharaoh: Bismillah no we will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.
Pharaoh: Will not let you go.

Moses: Let me go.

Pharaoh: Never! Never let you go.

Moses: Let me go, never let me go ooo. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go. Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me - for me - for me



Queen: Greatest Hits



While you would think performing Queen’s music a cappella would solve any property dispute, not even such joyful sounds could overcome Yahweh’s persistent hardening of Pharaoh’s heart. Even after Aaron and Moses killed all the Egyptian cattle, gave the Egyptians boils, made fire rain down from heaven, caused a plague of locusts, and made everything dark for three days, Pharaoh just couldn’t shake that heart hardening. Oh well.

Moral: no amount of singing or magic can overcome a hard heart once Yahweh gets involved.

Ref: Exodus 7 - 10

Moses Makes Things Worse – Moses Part V

‘Bush’ Yahweh is a jerk He deliberately made all those people suffer, just to make a good story.

After Moses got to Egypt he hooked up with his brother Aaron and the two of them went and talked to the elders of Israel. Aaron did the talking of course, and convinced the elders that they were sent by Yahweh to free the people. The elders got super excited and praised the lord and all that.

You may remember from the previous bible story that Yahweh told Moses the slaves would not be freed at first because Yahweh was going to harden Pharaoh’s heart until after all the plagues were finished and Yahweh got to kill Pharaoh’s son. Apparently Moses forgot, because when he went to visit Pharaoh the next day, he was really surprised when Pharaoh didn’t just let everyone go. Instead Pharaoh decided that if the people had time to pray to Yahweh, they weren’t working hard enough. We should probably forgive Moses for forgetting about the whole, “I won’t free the slaves until after I get to do all sorts of cool storybook stuff first.” After all, he was 80 years old at that point.

Pharaoh commanded that the supply of straw to the brick-making slaves stop. To take up some of that free time, the slaves would now be required to gather their own grass and stubble to make the bricks. Of course the number of bricks being produced couldn’t drop to make sure the new initiative would help reduce all that wasteful prayer time.

Moses got mad after the new straw program went into effect and demanded that Yahweh tell him why he was sent to free the slaves if asking just got them more work. “For since I came to Pharaoh to speak in thy name, he hath done evil to this people; neither hast thou delivered thy people at all.” Of course Yahweh had an answer. He went on and on and on about how he was remembering his people and would free them. Seriously, He wouldn’t shut up about it. After several hours of this incredibly repetitive rhetoric Yahweh finally got around to saying, “Just go back to Pharaoh again. This time I’ll help out and tell you what to say.”

Moral: to serve God properly, you must first confront Vader alone. Then, only then, a Jedi will you be.

Ref: Exodus 4:27 – 6:30

God Convinces Moses to Help – Moses Part IV

Why is it that bible readers think “burning bush” means ‘flaming shrubbery’ instead of ‘giant mass of pubic hair, concealing an inflamed vagina, sore from the burning pain of syphilis or gonorrhea?’

After Moses made a baby with Zipporah, Egypt’s Pharaoh died and Yahweh FINALLY noticed the Hebrews were upset about the situation HE had landed them in by executing HIS seven-year drought plan; miraculously HE also remembered HIS promise to take care of Abraham’s descendants at the same time. Yahweh decided to use Moses as a tool to free the Hebrews from the Egyptians and transport them to Palestine where they could completely wipe out the Palestinian peoples.

To get Moses’ attention, Yahweh turned Himself into a bush and started to shoot out flame. This was an amazing sight to Moses who abandoned his flock of sheep to investigate. Moses needed to see how flame could be coming from the bush and the bush itself did not burn. Once Moses got close, Yahweh spoke out from the center of the bush. He said, “Hey, I noticed the Hebrews are upset about their current situation. I’m a magic bush and will use that magic to bring them to Palestine so they can wipe out the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Pertizzites, Hivites, and Jebusites. It’s a great place and once all the current inhabitants are dead the descendants of Abraham will be a great people without peer.”

While Moses was clearly impressed by the bush trick, he didn’t think he was the man for the job. The burning bush taught Moses a cool trick he could use to turn his staff into a snake, but Moses still wasn’t convinced because he had a bad stutter. Then the burning bush got really mad and started to shout. It yelled, “Who made man’s mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the Lord?” While Moses was thinking this over, the bush said, “Look, you have a brother in Egypt. His name is Aaron. He’s good at public speaking so you can tell him what to say and he’ll do it; and don’t even bring up your problem with the law. Everybody that knew you were a murderer is dead now and they don’t keep good records over there. Seriously; don’t sweat it, you’ll be just fine.”

There was a catch however; that damn flaming bush told Moses it wouldn’t be easy to free the slaves. Moses was going to perform all sorts of wonders to convince the new Pharaoh to release the slaves, but the bush was going to make damn sure that Pharaoh would not release them until after the bush murdered Pharaoh’s son.

Moses got permission from his father-in-law to head down to Egypt and take his wife Zipporah and their son Gershom. Of course on the way to Egypt Yahweh tried to kill Moses in an inn and Zipporah used genital mutilation to scare Him off and everything turned out alright; but that’s another story.

Moral: if the bush is a burnin’ it must be a true bush. You should totally trust it. Also, Yahweh likes to kill people who stay at inns.

Ref: Exodus 3:1 – 4:26

Moses Gets Laid – Moses Part III

Midianite women are HOT!

After Moses safely escaped from the law and settled in Midian, we went to a well and sat down. Sound strange? Here it is in the language of the King James Version: “Moses fled from the face of Pharaoh, and dwelt in the land of Midian: and he sat down by a well” (Exodus 2:15). Yup, the high point of the verse describing Moses’ flight from the punishment for murder is that he sat down by a well in Midian.

While Moses was chilling by the well the seven daughters of Midian’s High Priest Jethro showed up to water their sheep. I’m sure that it never occurred to Moses to figure out what time the pretty little girls showed up at the well every day, and it never occurred to him that he could be there every time to get an eyeful. Moses just wasn’t the kind of guy that likes to perv over little girls; didn’t give murder a second thought, but conveniently run into Jethro’s daughters at the well? Never!

Pervy or not, on this particular day when the girls started to draw water from the well, a bunch of shepherds showed up and drove the little girls away from the well. Moses didn’t like people messing with his little girl/well fetish so once again he drew upon his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz and watered those little girls’ animals himself; and there was nothing a bunch of untrained shepherds could do about it.

When the little girls got home with their animals earlier then Jethro expected he said, “What’s going on? Why are you back so soon?” The little girls told their father about the nice Egyptian that helped them water their animals. Jethro liked the idea of bringing new genetic material into the family so he sent the girls to fetch Moses and invite him to dinner.

 

Moses was thrilled when he learned the High Priest wanted him to spend more time around the pretty girls. He was even more excited when Jethro offered him Zipporah (the post-pubescent one) as a wife, free of charge. This was the best possible outcome for Moses. He was getting a rich father-in-law, a hot young sex partner, and he could still spend his afternoons watching the little girls work.



Iron Maiden: Somewhere in Time



Moses immediately started spending all his free time trying to make a baby with Zipporah and when it eventually worked, he named the kid Gershom, which for some reason commemorates being a “stranger in a strange land.” This is indisputable proof that Iron Maiden is the heavy metal band most preferred by famous murdering prophets of Yahweh. Clearly Moses was inspired by the lyrics to ‘Stranger in a Strange Land.’



Ref: Exodus 2:15-22

Iron Maiden – Stranger in a Strange Land

Was many years ago that I left home and came this way
I was a young man, full of hopes and dreams
But now it seems to me that all is lost and
Nothing gained
Sometimes things ain't what they seem
No brave new world, no brave new world
No brave new world, no brave new world

Night and day I scan horizon, sea and sky
My spirit wanders endlessly
Until the day will dawn and friends from home
Discover why
Hear me calling, rescue me
Set me free, set me free
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

One hundred years have gone and men again
They came that way
To find the answer to the mystery
They found his body lying where it fell on that day
Preserved in time for all to see
No brave new world, no brave new world
Lost in this place, and leave no trace

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

What became of the man that started
All are gone and their souls departed
Left me here in this place
So all alone

Stranger in a strange land
Land of ice and snow
Trapped inside this prison
Lost and far from home

Lyrics taken from www.lyricsfreak.com

Meet Super-Ninja Moses – Moses Part II

Silent and deadly, he strikes when an opportunity presents itself.

Moses must have inherited some of his m4d n1nj4 sk1lz from his mother who not only managed keep his birth a secret, but also kept him hidden from the world for three months. Eventually Moses’ mom decided she couldn’t keep him anymore so she put him in a basket and left him floating in the reeds by the side of the river, with his sister Miriam keeping her eye on things.
 

Luckily, one of Pharaoh’s daughters found the basket when she walked down to the river with her personal slaves to wash up. When she saw the cute little boy she immediately recognized him as a Hebrew, but she felt bad for the little guy so she didn’t toss him into the river. She decided to keep him instead, you know, like a pet snake or a frog. Miriam rushed up to the daughter and said, “Hey, do you want me to go fetch a Hebrew wet nurse to feed your new pet?” The daughter agreed and Miriam went and told her mother she could hang around her new son, feed him, and get paid for doing it; sweet deal, right?

Once the boy started getting older and didn’t feel like nursing anymore he was formally adopted by Pharaoh’s daughter who named him Moses. Moses went on to grow up in a wealthy household. He had it so good he probably got his first iPhone when he was in kindergarten and a brand new Lamborghini when he turned sixteen.

 

Aventador LP 720-4 50° Anniversario: image taken from www.lamborghini.com

Once Moses was done growing up, he went out one day to check on some of the other Hebrews. He saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew slave, got upset, and went into full ninja mode. First he checked to make sure there were no witnesses. Then he slipped like a gentle breeze through the reeds and across the sand before launching a stealth attack. Because Moses was fully concealed he had a 3d6 sneak attack damage bonus and his opponent lost his dex bonus to AC. Moses rolled a 20, a crit threat with his improvised stone weapon and followed it up with a 14 which easily overcame his opponent’s AC (who wasn’t wearing heavy armor and was highly dependent on his dex bonus) and landed a CRITICAL hit for 2x damage. The poor little Egyptian crumpled like soggy paper and Moses hid the body in the sand.

Moses was really proud of himself until the next day when he decided to stop a fight between two Hebrew slaves. One of the slaves said, “Hey jackass! Since when are you in charge of us? Are you gonna kill me now, like you did the Egyptian yesterday?”

Moses was really concerned the belligerent slave knew about his murdering ways and decided the police would find out soon if they didn’t know already. Moses knew the Egyptian legal system really well and knew that Hebrews always received the death penalty for killing an Egyptian citizen. Moses didn’t like that idea very much so he booked it right out of town. He didn’t stop running until he made it all the way to Midian (modern day Saudi Arabia), probably at least 300 miles. I assume Moses didn’t run the entire stretch in one go. He probably stopped to rest every so often, maybe drink some water; but maybe not. After all, he was a super ninja with m4d sk1lz.

Moral: even super ninjas can get in trouble with the law.

Ref: Exodus 2:1-15

Note: m4d n1nj4 sk1lz = mad ninja skills

The Hebrews in Egypt – Moses Part I

Apparently Hebrews are a lot like rabbits.

After Joseph of the Technicolor Dream Coat relocated his extended family to Egypt they were super rich and multiplied like crazy. However, as the centuries came and went they lost their ties to the royal family and their protected status. Then they were just numerous, prosperous, and not Egyptian. After the Hebrews started to outnumber the Egyptians, Pharaoh decided he was concerned the Hebrews would side with an invading enemy and things would go poorly for Egypt. To solve this, all the Hebrews were pressed into government service and assigned taskmasters. Now, I’m obviously missing something here because I’m not sure how forced labor was going to keep the Hebrews from fighting against the government. Apparently nobody in Egypt watched the 1960 film Spartacus. If they had, I’m sure they would have realized that maintaining a slave class to perform all the manual labor leads accomplished gladiators named Kirk Douglas to lead slave uprisings.



Kirk Douglas as Spartacus

Pressing the Hebrews into slavery didn’t help Pharaoh feel any better. He noticed that the worse the Hebrews were treated, the more babies they had. I don’t know why he was surprised. If you take all electronic devices and reading material away and force people to stay indoors after dark; suddenly there is nothing to do in the evenings but have sex.

To solve the population growth problem, Pharaoh told all the Hebrew midwives to kill the baby boys right as they were being born. This was a really, really stupid idea for a couple of reasons. First: in a society that practices polygamy the men aren’t the limiting factor for population growth, the women are. I’m sure there were plenty of Hebrew men who were really excited by the prospect of surplus young women. Second: the Hebrew midwives didn’t want to kill the Hebrew babies. It didn’t take long for Pharaoh to notice the number of baby boys didn’t decrease, so he called in the Hebrew midwives and demanded to know why the babies weren’t being killed. The midwives were clever and came up with a clever lie. They said, “Well, the Hebrew women deliver really fast. By the time someone manages to summon a midwife, the baby has already been born.”

Finally Pharaoh came up with a sound plan to kill the babies. He charged all the citizens of Egypt with the responsibility of throwing baby Hebrew boys into the river. That worked a little better than birth canal abortions and represented significant progress toward achieving Pharaoh’s dream of seeing fewer Hebrew boys.

Moral: Pharaoh didn’t understand how babies are made.

Ref: Exodus 1

Note: wouldn’t it be nifty if there was any physical evidence that Egypt ever had a huge workforce made up of slaves?

Casting Out Demons – Easier than it seems

Turns out the only real requirement to cast out devils is a reluctance to say bad stuff about Jesus

One day while Jesus was walking from Galilee to Capernaum his apostles spent hours arguing about something. When they got indoors Jesus asked his bros what they had been discussing. Nobody answered because they were embarrassed. You see, they were arguing about which apostle held the highest rank.

Because Jesus was super magic (or because he overheard) he knew what was up and in true cryptic fashion said, “If any man desire to be first, the same shall be last of all, and servant of all.” Then because Jesus had ADD he jumped topics. He grabbed a little kid and said, “Whosoever shall receive one of such children in my name, receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me, receiveth not me, but him that sent me.”

I figure this all means that a king serves his people and Jesus’ boss is a little kid. I know most people think Jesus was trying to say that if you are nice to little kids you are really being nice to God. Let me clarify the quote a little: receive children and you receive me, but not really me, really you have just received my boss. If you take out the nonsense about “you receive me, just kidding,” you are left with “be nice to kids because they sent me to Earth.”

All this nonsense about serving and being nice to kids was driving the Apostle John crazy because he had something huge to get into the open. He said, “Jesus. We saw some guy the other day that was using your name to cast out devils, but he wasn’t one of your followers. We’d never even seen him before. This was obviously total bullcrap so he told him to knock it off.”

Ok, start paying attention now. This is the big teaching moment for today.

Jesus said, “Forbid him not: for there is no man which shall do a miracle in my name, that can lightly speak evil of me.” That’s right, Jesus told his religious leaders to not harass people who use the word “Jesus” and do good stuff, even if they aren’t actually Christians. The reason behind Jesus’ thinking is great too. Nobody could ever use the word “Jesus” when they perform an exorcism AND say mean things about Christ.

Moral: anyone can perform miracles if they use the name of Christ, even if they aren’t a Christian. Good thing too. If exorcism wasn’t so easy we would probably need mental institutions (insane asylums) or some other way to lock up people who don’t exhibit “normal” behavior.

Ref: Mark 9:33-40

Adam and Steve – Not the work of God

Am I the only one that thinks this way?

I have it on very good authority, including Rev. Jason McGuire and Rev. Thomas Johnson, that God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. They’re probably right. I mean, I’ve read Genesis many times, and it’s always Adam and Eve.

This presents a few problems for me. Most everyone agrees that we all come from God. We are His creations; not Steve though. Modern religious leaders and teachers are always going on about how God DID NOT create Steve. My first impulse is to feel bad for Steve, you know, for not being created and stuff. Once I start to think about things though, I realize there are a lot of Steves; they must have come from somewhere. Who made Steve, if not God?

Let's look at this logically:

1. According to The Silmarillion, Morgoth (Sauron’s master) made the orcs, but he didn't really make them. He just took a bunch of elves and broke them. I bet Lucifer works the same way. Perhaps God did make the ancestors of Steve, just not Steve in his present form. For this to work, Lucifer must have kidnapped a bunch of Alans and Jacobs and corrupted them until their tortured and broken descendants eventually became Steves.

2. The first woman, Lilith (according to Midrashic literature), left Adam and the Garden due to what she perceived as unfair treatment. She thought that since she was born from the same dirt as Adam (rather than a rib like Eve) she should have equal rights. The Kabbalah text Sefer ha-Zohar confirms this:

At the same time Jehovah created Adam, he created a woman, Lilith, who like Adam was taken from the earth. She was given to Adam as his wife. But there was a dispute between them about a matter that when it came before the judges had to be discussed behind closed doors. She spoke the unspeakable name of Jehovah and vanished.

3. The Alpha Betha of Ben Sira explains that the conflict between Adam and Lilith was sexual in Nature. Adam insisted that because he was superior to Lilith she had to lie beneath him during sex. Lilith refused.

4. After leaving the garden, Lilith developed a sexual relationship with the Archangel Samael (also known as Malkira, and much later as Satan/Lucifer). The entire experience inspired Lilith to become a flying demon that causes Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Here is pretty clear evidence that sex with Satan changes a feminist into a baby-killing demon. You might even say that Satan created the demon Lilith by using sex to torture and corrupt the human Lilith.

Conclusion:

If you think about it, everything should make sense now. People say “God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve” as a way to say homosexuality (including butt sex) goes against the will of God. God didn’t make the Steves, but they exist. Satan sex ‘creates’ something new. Therefore, Satan and some humans must have engaged in nasty butt sex that was both torturous and corrupting to make all the Steves.   

Note: Don’t worry too much about Adam. After his sex buddy Lilith took off, God made him a new one out of a rib to make sure she was properly subservient and was always ready to assume the missionary position.

Saul Doesn’t Kill All The Animals – It’s the same as witchcraft

You know, because what God says really isn’t all that important anyway

In the first book of Samuel chapter 15, Jehovah told King Saul that he needed to take his army down to Amalek and kill all the men, women, children, babies, oxen, sheep, camels, and asses (1 Samuel 15:3). Saul was very happy to help Jehovah lay down a little more genocide so he gathered together 210,000 fighting men and headed to Amalek. The Hebrew army handily dispatched the Amalekian army and killed all the women, children, and babies before moving on to the livestock.

Here’s the thing though: Saul’s army didn’t kill ALL the animals. The very most healthy and beautiful ones were kept alive so they could be sacrificed to Jehovah. The silly Hebrews figured that since Jehovah was always telling people to kill super attractive animals on stone altars and burn their blood He would like some Amalekian animal blood too. They also took the King of Amalek captive instead of killing him. Jehovah immediately noticed that Saul didn’t do what he was told so He sent his prophet Samuel to have a chat with Saul.

Samuel showed up at the Hebrew army camp and Saul rushed over to tell him how wonderfully the genocide went, praise the lord, and all that. Samuel looked around and said, “Um, so what’s with all the sheep and oxen then?” Saul very patiently explained how after the army finished killing the babies, they were super happy and wanted to kill some of the pretty animals and feed Jehovah the blood. You know, to repay Jehovah’s kindness in letting them kill all those babies.

Samuel was clearly annoyed that Saul didn’t even seem to understand how he failed to do what Jehovah wanted. Samuel carefully controlled himself and said, “Saul, do you really think Jehovah would rather have burnt animal blood than have people do what He says? Listen stupid, Jehovah ALWAYS wants obedience first. If you don’t do exactly what Jehovah says you are guilty of rebellion against God, which is exactly the same bad as being a witch!”

Saul didn’t like the sound of that and said, “Oh no! I have sinned! Please forgive me so I can return to the worship of my god.” Of course that was too little too late and Samuel simple said, “Because you rejected your God’s will, you have now been rejected from being king!” Then Samuel demanded to see the king of Amalek and cut him up into little pieces.

Saul and Samuel never saw each other after that, and Jehovah said He was sorry He ever made Saul king.

Moral: if you don’t kill ALL the animals, you’ll make God regret giving you the responsibility to commit genocide.

Ref: 1 Samuel 15